jtassinaro

OK, so I'm usually good for writing too fast paced. This is my attempt at slowing things down and trying to create suspense. It still reads kind of fast to me, but I think it's pretty decent for my first time really trying to concentrate on it. Let me know what you think. Thanks in advance!

This is a little excerpt from a chapter in my novel. The little before story to this is that Elizabeth is a vampire and she has just escaped a rival coven's interogation/torture room, she's still in the mansion, she's pretty beat up and she's trying to get away. Enjoy ...

Elizabeth entered the room and gently shut the door behind her. She leaned her back against the wall and slid down to the floor. Her entire body throbbed and palpitated in pain. Elizabeth’s heart jumped in her throat as another door in the room opened and another woman stepped into the room. The woman saw Elizabeth and hissed.

Elizabeth got to her feet and turned toward the door, but it was too late the woman was already standing in front of her. Elizabeth saw a flash of silver and then a burning pain exploded in her shoulder. With a groan Elizabeth fell to her knees, doubled over in pain. She heard the woman walk to the door and open it. “Here, she’s in here.”

With all the strength she could muster Elizabeth stood up and pulled the dagger out of her shoulder. A gasp escaped Elizabeth’s lips and the other woman turned back to face her. The woman walked back to Elizabeth, but Elizabeth quickly raised the dagger and sunk it deep into her chest. The woman’s look of surprise turned to anguish as she slumped to the ground and began shrieking.

Elizabeth could here her pursuers getting closer, she went to the door and quickly shut and locked it. She looked back over at the woman who was now rapidly decomposing. Parts of her skin were literally dripping and melting off of her, reminding Elizabeth of hot wax dripping from a candle. Other parts rotted away and looked to Elizabeth like the dead skin of a bloated dead body that had been left to fester in the desert sun for weeks. The sight of it made Elizabeth’s stomach turn. A fresh explosion of pain came over Elizabeth and she had to lean on the wall to support herself.

“Down this way.” The sound of the approaching men made Elizabeth focus and fight through her pain. She glanced down at her watch, 5:52. Twilight was about a half hour away and sunrise was only an hour away. She looked around the room and saw a large curtain the same as the one that covered the window in her room. She walked over to it and pulled it back revealing a large floor to ceiling window. The sky was an ashy grey showing that the dawn was on its way.

“The door’s locked,” one of the men shouted. The men were now outside the door pounding on it now. Elizabeth unlocked the window tried to open it, but it was stuck.

“Watch out,” came a voice from the other side of the door and then the door shook like it had been hit with a battering ram.

Elizabeth could feel her body becoming hot as panic started to set in. The door shook again and she heard wood splinter. She threw all her weight into opening the window but it wouldn’t budge.

The door took another hit. Elizabeth knew they’d be in the room in a matter of moments. She looked out the window and guessed she was on about the third floor. If she could just get the window open there was a tree close enough to it that she could climb down it safely. Again she took all the strength she could muster and tried to open the window. Pain flooded through her body as she strained against the window, but she wouldn’t give up.

The door took another hit and was ripped from its hinges slamming onto the floor. “We got you now.”

Elizabeth stood up, took a few steps back and with her last bit of strength, ran full speed at the window crashing through it. She landed hard on the ground, twisting her ankle. Shards of glass showered down on her slicing her skin.

“She can’t get very far.” She heard from the room she had just fallen from.
Elizabeth got up slowly and hobbled across the lawn to the nearby woods. her lack of sustenance was starting to catch up to her and she was beginning to feel weak. She had no idea where she was except that she was somewhere in the mountains. There had to be some kind of cave she could find refuge away from the sun for the day. She had to act fast though, even though she knew she still had a good half hour until twilight she could feel the lethargy setting in already. Her body knew it needed to heal itself and it was trying to do so by rendering her unconscious. Her legs were becoming heavy and numb. She stopped and leaned her back against a tree. Gritting her teeth she dug a finger into one of the wounds in her leg. Pain like hot nails being driven into her bones shot down her leg, bringing her back to her senses.

“She’s in the woods.” The men were closing in again.

Elizabeth tried to pick up the pace, but the lethargy kept threatening. She stopped again this time digging her finger into one of the wounds on her chest. It worked, but not as well as it had the first time. She continued on and felt a rush of air as a dagger narrowly missed her head and sunk into the tree next to her. She hobbled in a zigzag pattern hoping it would be harder for them to hit her. Another rush of air past her leg as a dagger sunk into the ground a foot in front of her. She tried to go faster but she kept losing her footing in the slushy snow that covered the ground.

“I want her, she killed Tessa.” Elizabeth kept staggering deeper into the woods. Another rush of air passed her arm and then pain erupted like molten lead in between her shoulder blades, knocking her to the ground.

“Got her!” she heard one yell triumphantly. Elizabeth heard footsteps approaching from behind and then she felt a hard kick in the ribs knocking the wind from her.

“Just finish her Soren.”

“I will, I just want to play with her a little. Pick her up.” Elizabeth felt herself being lifted up roughly by the armpits. This is it she thought, they were going to kill her. They put her in a standing position and in front of her was the vampire who had inflicted all those Erodejen dagger wounds. He grabbed the hair at the base of her neck and yanked her head back. Elizabeth closed her eyes and braced herself for whatever was to come next.

“Let her go Soren.”

“If it isn’t my old pal Tanis.” Soren said.

“I said let her go.”

“Look at you coming to play the hero and rescue her. Well forget it, she’s mine. Turn her around,” Soren ordered the two men holding Elizabeth. They turned Elizabeth to face Tanis, and Soren ripped the dagger out of her back, sending a fresh surge of pain through her body. He then stood in front of Elizabeth and held the dagger against the skin over her heart, making the skin tingle. Tanis took a step towards them, as he did Soren pushed the dagger into Elizabeth’s skin. Elizabeth felt the worst amount of pain she had felt all day. Even though the wound was a pin prick it was right above her heart and felt like it had already been driven through ribs into the fragile organ. It was almost as if her body knew that the dagger would destroy her. A small fresh stream of blood ran down Elizabeth’s shirt. Tanis took another step towards them and Soren pushed the dagger in deeper and a jagged shredding sensation in her chest took Elizabeth’s breath away.

“Tanis you can’t …” Soren was cut off and Elizabeth felt the dagger plunge into her chest deeper and then the men let go of her and she collapsed to the ground, unable to breath. She laid there on the ground, tensely opening and closing her hands, her fingernails becoming pact with the sandy dirt of the earth with every spasm. Her breathe came in harsh, jagged gulps.

There was a massive brawl going on around her but Elizabeth knew nothing of it, she was too overwhelmed with pain. Finally after what felt like hours she felt a soft touch on her arm. Someone was speaking to her, but the words were hollow and echoed in her head.

Elizabeth felt her body being turned and Tanis’s face came into focus at the end of a long black tunnel. “Eliza-liza-liza-beth-beth-beth.” (I don't know if these parts really work and or are neccesary with the echo. Let me know if you think it sounds stupid) She heard him say from far away. Another voice spoke but Elizabeth couldn’t make out who it was or what they were saying. She tried to turn her head, but her neck wouldn’t support the weight and her head fell back.

“No, no, no, the dagger didn’t pierce-ierce-ierce it, it, it.,” Tanis said as his strong hand lifted her head back up and cradled it.

Elizabeth tried to speak but she was still coughing and sputtering and couldn’t catch her breath enough to speak. Elizabeth continued to stare at Tanis’s face, but it started to move farther and farther away until she was engulfed in the merciful blackness.

My thinking with the whole having them talk like echos is like in the movies when everything is all chaotic and they're showing a camera angle from a critically hurt character's POV and everything is kind of blury and slow motion and a lot of times you hear the voices like that. I dunno.

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Truth-Teller

I'm sorry, but this is not suspenseful at all. It drags.

You can condense this to even shorter lengths, and it will still bore the readers. What you need to do is this: look through the eyes of Elizabeth, and calmly tell your tale. Instead of being the victim, be the perpetrator. Make us relate to the characters first, before you finish them off. For instance, in the opening paragraphs, I would write something like this:

At twilight, Elizabeth decided to kill her best friend. It wasn't all that bad, really; she had already chosen her instrument.

jtassinaro

Of course I would go from one extreme to the other Thanks for the crit!

Looks like it's back to the drawing board.

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Truth-Teller

Horror (or thriller, for that matter) works best when it is subtle--and then, you go for the guts and gore.

Also, there must be a reason why Elizabeth is the way she is--why she wants to kill her best friend in the first place.

jtassinaro

Thanks for the crit again!! But ... where does it seem like Elizabeth killed her best friend? Maybe I didn't explain enough in the little intro. Maybe this excerpt is too out of context, to convey what I need it to convey. This well in the middle of the novel, and before this part you do get a sense of Elizabeth.

She's in her rival's place and the vamp she kills is one of that group. She tries to hide in that room away from her pursuers and then it turns that the room is not empty.

If you still feel like it's her BF please let me know, that would be a major flaw that I need to address.

Thanks Again!!

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Wiggin

I think this is best left for the movies. And I don't even think it works too good there. I think it's just something moviemakers do because it's an easy sound effect to do.

I mean, I've tried being badly knocked up from a high fall and close to losing consciousness, but there was no echoing of voices.

All movies can do to suggest the internal state is visual and sound effects. As a writer you can do so much more. Why don't you talk about dull throbbing pain, confused internal dialogue about who is where and saying what, numbness, a metallic taste in the mouth, dizziness, drifting off into memories, and such?