Nine Minutes and Eleven Seconds (750 words) - Writers Forum

JP Wagner · 09-11-2007, 07:00 PM

Nine Minutes And Eleven Seconds

By
© James P. Wagner

Mary Burke was fixing a sandwich in her kitchen. After feeding both of her babies and her dog she felt it was time for her to eat as well. Pouring herself a glass of Pepsi, she brought her plate into the living room and sat down on the couch. Flipping on the television, she scanned the channels. She skipped the news channels, not wanting to see more clips about the war, and stopped on a game show. She lifted her sandwich from her plate and savored the first bite. Before she finished chewing the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hello, honey. It’s me.”
“Brian? Oh my God, how are you calling now?”
“I stole a satellite phone.”
Mary smiled as she looked at the largest picture on the refrigerator. It was her next to her husband Brian in his uniform. He looks so handsome in uniform. “How did you get one of those? I thought the communications officer had them.”
“He did. I took it from his backpack.”
“How did you manage that?”
“He’s lying dead three feet away from me.”
“What the hell is going on, Brian?”
“Listen honey, I’ve only got a few minutes.”
“Before what?”
“Before the phone runs out of juice. I know it’s hard, but try not to panic.”
Mary took a deep breath. “What’s going on?”
“I wanted to tell you I love you is all. I…I don’t know that I’ll get that chance again.”
“Honey, what are you telling me?” Mary asked with tears in her eyes.
Brian moaned. “We went into the mountains today, in search of Charlie.”
“In search of what?”
“Enemy soldiers. We found them.”
Mary almost dropped the phone as her knees buckled. With her free arm she managed to hold herself up.
“You understand what I’m telling you, don’t you?” Brian asked in a soft voice.
She nodded slowly. “Yes, I do.”
“Good, because I didn’t want to have to say it.”
“You’re hurt, aren’t you?”
“Not much,” Brian said.
“What does that mean?”
“Let’s not waste our time talking about that. How have you been since I talked to you last?”
Mary sat down; cross legged on the floor and hoped to God she didn’t faint. “I’ve…I’ve been alright.”
“How are the twins doing?”
“They’re good. Markey spoke for the first time yesterday.”
“Oh yeah? What did he say? Ma-ma?”
“No, it was…Da-da.”
He sighed. “I wish I could have been there.”
“Me too,” she said softly.
“Hold on a second!”
“Brian!?” Mary heard gunfire in the background. “Brian!”
“I’m here! I’m here! that’s going to call over the rest of them. The phone is almost out of juice anyway.”
“Wait, wait, don’t go!
“I’m still here,” he reassured her. “But I’ve only got a couple more minutes before the phone dies.”
“Ok, ok…Everything is in order, right?”
“Yes, don’t worry. Life insurance, all the policies are in my drawer, you know where all the valuables are, and my will.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Tell my mother that I love her, and that I was thinking about her, would you hun?”
“Yes, I will.”
“And you know I love you, right?”
“Of course I know honey, of course,…but…”
“But what?”
“What…what should I tell the children?”
“Tell them I love them very much, and I’m sorry I won’t be able to see them grow up. And do me a favor,”
“Anything.”
“Don’t tell them I died honorably for my country. Don’t glorify it. Don’t justify it. Don’t make it out to be anything more than what it is.”
“And what is it then?”
“I don’t know, honey. But it wasn’t anything good.”
Her hands were shaking. “If that’s what you want, darling.”
“It’s what’s best.” He sighed. “I killed people today.”
“You had no choice,” she said.
“Of course I did, I could have stayed out of this thing altogether. But it’s too late now, and…”
“What is it?”
“I’m just wondering,… How many of those people I killed, how many of those men had children too…” Once again there was gunfire in the background. This time, more of it.
“Brian?!”
“The phone’s dying!” he yelled through the shots. “I love you! I love you more than you’ll ever know!”
“I love you too!” she cried as the call ended. She looked at the phone’s view screen and saw the length of the call. It read 9:11.

fjf1329 · 09-11-2007, 09:31 PM

I thought is was good. I liked the ending and the 9:11.

Garrettpwnsall · 09-11-2007, 11:44 PM

Being in the military, this hits home.

Fossy · 09-12-2007, 12:06 AM

Very strong well written dialogue. Poignant for todays anniversary.

jtassinaro · 09-12-2007, 02:05 AM

Wow, I really liked that a lot!! I like the whole 9:11 thing at the end too!!

JP Wagner · 09-12-2007, 02:13 AM

lol thank you for all the positive comments everyone!

(anyone kno a magazine that might be interested in this? i've submitted it several times and it has yet to find a home.)

Fossy · 09-12-2007, 02:44 AM

Well it's a beautiful story, yet I think the first paragraph does spoil it - not the dialogue in the rest of the story, just the verbs in the first paragraph - there are way too many.

I started to get a little dizzy with all the,

Fixing.
Feeding.
Pouring.
Flipping.
Scanning.
Skipping.
Savouring.
Chewing.

I just feel you're too busy being a verb hog, which makes the sentence too busy and the woman too busy. Perhaps that's why you can't find a home for it. Lose most of the verbs and you'll have a winner imho.

JP Wagner · 09-12-2007, 09:05 AM

noted! thanks for the comment! ^.^

Wiggin · 09-12-2007, 08:34 PM

Quote:

“I’m just wondering,… How many of those people I killed, how many of those men had children too…”

I don't find it believable that a soldier would be talking like this just before he is about to die. But hey, I might be mistaken, I've never been under fire myself.

On the other hand, I would have the girl asking "Do you need me to pray with you?" That's a line which has emotional impact for me.

SevenWritez · 09-13-2007, 05:37 PM

No way in hell that conversation lasted nine minutes. The dialogue felt forced in my opinion, but overall I continued to read and really, really enjoyed it. Good job, good ending reference, but I'd suggest writing another version (not saying to trash this one, it is good) that shows more connection between the two characters. Other than that, it was a fun read.

Fossy · 09-13-2007, 08:03 PM

Yeah, I squeezed 5 minutes out of it, even taking into consideration the twice mentioned sound of gun fire - when she sat down cross legged - sighs - trailing off sentences - etc. but maybe you could make 9:11 the time on the digital clock on the bench, or on her phone. You wouldn't want to make the conversation longer.

JP Wagner · 09-13-2007, 08:07 PM

well, i actually ahd my doubts about the length of the call when i first wrote it too. but i actually timed it out with my girlfriend of the time. (shes an actress) and puttging in the pauses and the times when he's off firing, it could roughly reach that. especially if they're talking slow, and with the ...'s and all.

i dont really think more connection is nessicary if you ask me. you kno the number one rule of short stories is being concise. and considering they are married and have two kids, theres enough to imply a connection there if you ask me. heh.