Randatos

“Are you working tonight?” I asked her.

“Yeah,” was her reply. “Until ten.” At that a weight fell in my stomach like a bad lunch. The day had already soured enough, and to add to it the only conversation I would have with her that night would be a hasty good night at best. This gave no consolation to the budding headache forming in my skull, only intensifying it. Nor did the brooding thought of the impeding homework I would have that night – an essay and a novel to punch through – do any more for the day's case. It was turning out to be a typical first day of school, bad.

Not to say that my luck that day had been the equivalent of a spongy tomato – rotten. There were a few key high points. Lunch particularly stuck out in my mind. I was able to talk to her for a few minutes before being shepherded away to my next class. But the news she gave me that she had work was hardly good. Still, it was a moment with her.

Richie.S

I like it! A good short story (and it is a story) that ended. In my mind it is very difficult to complete a story in so few words, and , until the last sentence I thought you weren't going to make it, but you did.
Good work, Sir.
Readable and image creating, well done.

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Randatos

Thanks for the reply. The story was actually spring boarded off of just the first three lines. I was bored, and she was actually working until 10 last night. Of course I had seen her all day and not just for a moment. And the day was only mildly spongy. Darn headache.

atrophybrain

I really liked that. Very good, how you could so succinctly give a view of the speaker's life with just a snapshot of a moment.

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obriens6

I really liked this, well written. Only 181 words but everyone in the right place, i wouldn't change anything.

Randatos

Not a single negative critique? Maybe I'm not so bad at writing.

Frabes

“Are you working tonight?” I asked her.

“Yeah,” was her reply. “Until ten.” At that a weight fell in my stomach like a bad lunch. The day had already soured enough, and to add to it the only conversation I would have with her that night would be a hasty good night at best. This gave no consolation to the budding headache forming in my skull, only intensifying it. Nor did the brooding thought of the impeding homework I would have that night – an essay and a novel to punch through – do any more for the day's case. It was turning out to be a typical first day of school, bad.

I stumbled over this. I'd consider rewording the first part, in particular. ("and to add to it" doesn't fit)
This is redundant. Lose it.
Again, redundant.

Not to say that my luck that day had been the equivalent of a spongy tomato – rotten. There were a few key high points. Lunch particularly stuck out in my mind. I was able to talk to her for a few minutes before being shepherded away to my next class. But the news she gave me that she had work was hardly good. Still, it was a moment with her.

The fact that you had to add this means that your metaphor doesn't work. It's a cop-out. Either lose it and re-work the previous sentence, or just flat-out say the luck was rotten. Obviously the first would be better.
Lose this.
"particularly" doesn't work here. Should be: "Lunch in particular stuck out in my mind."
These two sentences jar when disconnected like this. I'd say, "The news she gave me (don't need the work part, it's already established) was hardly good--but still, it was a moment with her."

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