snorrie

I'm rollin. Another quick write. Comments welcome.
The apartment was a disaster, with dirty socks and underwear strewn about on chairs, the floor, even in the sink where dishes were piled up, ready to tumble over onto the tiled floor. A couple had already, but Mary didn’t have the motivation to clean.

She lost her job a month ago and had done nothing since. Her boss let her go because times were slow in the clothing industry. And the recession wasn't helping matters. People just didn’t have the money for expensive designer jeans or leather apparel.

“Have you checked the mail,” Steve asked. In other words, he was waiting for her unemployment check to come. It should have arrived yesterday, the first of the month when their rent was due.

Laundry and pizza boxes covered a chair next to the couch she was lying on. Steve pushed them off onto the floor with the rest of the chaos and sat down . He kicked the heap in front of him away in disgust. “No I haven’t seen the check, yet,” Mary replied. “Why don’t you look again? Maybe the mailman doubled back to deliver it.”

“Very funny, Mary. Maybe you won the lottery. But you’re so lazy, you can’t even pull yourself off that damned couch to go down and get the paper to see if you did. I don’t know why I’m still with you.” Steve shook his head and closed his eyes. He’d been doing that quite a lot lately and she hated it, hated herself for letting their relationship get to this point. Her boyfriend wasn’t happy with her. But she couldn't blame him because he was right. She was worthless.

Mary attemted to get up as he stormed for the door. “Wait,” pleaded Mary. The worn cushions sank under her weight as she struggled from beneath a blanket. She managed to sit up, then fell back when the door slammed. A picture dropped off the wall, the glass frame shattering on the floor. Now all was quiet except the distant drone of traffic outside the living room window. He was gone, left without telling her where he was going.

When she got back under the covers, she felt a piece of paper, probably the lottery ticket Steve had taunted her about. That’s what it was. She just stared at it, dreamed she was holding the winning lottery ticket and needed to get off her duff and check on the computer for the winning numbers.

Then she remembered Steve had tossed the morning paper on the window sill that morning when he came in from a night on the town. They had gotten into a terrible fight over finances and he decided to punish her by going out to the titty bar. She was losing him.

As Mary picked up the paper at the windowsill, she glanced down at two people talking, their voices low and secretive. Steve was flirting with a pretty blond below on the sidewalk. They looked more than friendly and suddenly she hated herself again. She was losing him.

Wait a minute! She checked her numbers against the ones in the paper again. The first time she had been distracted by the site of Steve with another woman. Suddenly her mouth dropped open. Mary couldn’t believe her numbers matched. She was rich. Fifty million dollars! Her worries were over.

When Steve came in later, Mary was busy packing suitcases in their bedroom. She looked up at him and smiled from ear to ear and continued packing. “You’ll never guess what happened,” Mary blurted out.

“What?” He hadn’t seen her like this in a month and he was starting to get excited. “What are you doing?”

“I have the winning lottery ticket...fifty million!!!”

“Oh my god, are you serious?” It took him a second, then he got excited with her. He grabbed her from behind and they started jumping up and down. Things couldn’t be any better. Their troubles were over and they wouldn’t be fighting anymore.

Steve turned her around and gave her a kiss. She kissed him right back as if she forgot about their quarrels for the last thirty days. This was a fairytale come true, a happy ending.

In all the excitement between Mary furiously packing and Steve groping, he said, “Where are we goin?”

Then she stopped and turned around, looking him straight in the eyes. “I’m not going anywhere but you're leaving....”

quiet lady 53

Enjoyed the story!

__________________
Quiet Lady 53

snorrie

Thanx, quiet lady. Glad you enjoyed.

Orient

I really liked that

snorrie

Thankx orient. Another satisfied customer. Looking for dissatisifed ones, though.

Richie.S

The arc of the story is there; but the flow of it is extremely disjointed, in my mind.
The first paragraph doesn't seem to scan well at all;

Personally I would write something like this (but it is my opinion);
The apartment was a disaster, with dirty socks and underwear strewn about on chairs and the floor. Even in the sink the dishes were piled up ready to fall over onto the tiled floor - a couple had already; but Mary didn’t have the motivation to clean.

Should be something like this, I believe, with comments in braces;
Mary attempted to get up as he {sounds like it should be Mary but is referencing her partner} stormed for the door. “Wait.” {not sure who is speaking here} The worn cushions sank under her weight as she struggled from under a blanket. She only managed to make it to a sitting position, then fell back when the door slammed. A picture fell off the wall, the glass frame shattering on the floor like their relationship at the present. {not a good analogy; shattering on the floor conveys something that has finished; but the use of "at the present" conveys the idea that all is not over} Now all was quiet except the distant drone of traffic outside the living room window. He was gone, left without telling her where he was going.

As I said at the beginning of this critique; a good story but, in my mind, it does require a substantial amount of reworking.
It's almost as if you had the story come to you in a flash and wrote it ad verbatim; without review.

I look forward to the update if you feel it's necessary - I am only one person and only have one person's opinion.

__________________
criticism is the engine beneath the hood of perfection
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stuff I've posted in the past is still worthy of being critiqued. Please check it out and have your say. I will return the favour.

snorrie

Thanks Richie. I always consider peoples' suggestions.

FictionFan

This is the only line I really dislike. It's not subtle at all. That is the kind of stuff you need to cut out when you're editing I think.

There are a few spelling mistakes like "your" when you mean "you're"

My main criticism of the story is it's very predictable.

~fictionfan

snorrie

Well, I can't argue with you on this point. Acutally it was an exercise for myself. I'm still tweaking my prose. It was a joke I heard when I was a little kid and I thougt it would be a good short story. Real short. Thanks, man.

atrophybrain

I liked it, but I had to reread the last line a couple times to get what she was meaning.

__________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, then remember that half the people in the world are dumber than that.

snorrie

There you go, atrophy. Maybe now it makes more sense.

obriens6

Nicely written, reads well but and was enjoyable but I feel that there was nothing new here, it's been done before. Still a nice little story.

snorrie

I heard it as a joke a few years back. Thought I would turn it into a short story for an exercise. Thanks for the input

sam_kempton

its good.
i expected the ending, but having it cut off like that was a stroke of genius,
i really enjoyed the read.

__________________
CTRL ALT DELETE.
CTRL ALT DELETE.
Damn it, I need to reboot my grill.

snorrie

Thanks, Kempton. I appreciate the comments. I like the ending too, then again it ruins it if you have to explain everything. Short and sweet.