Click - 527 Words - Short Read. - Writers Forum

Blood_Writer · 09-03-2007, 02:55 PM

Its been a good couple of months since I've written anything. Its just been reading and planning with my writing companion, not much actual stories being written down.

That's no excuse though, please critique harshly.

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The Scope of the Sniper just fitted Gary’s eye, and with it being so flexible he could see the whole street 14 floors below. A group of school children ran through the rain, their shiny black shoes kicking the puddles as their uniform grew soggier by the minute. Behind them, their mothers walked, umbrellas in one hand, Pram in the other, they chatted loudly about last nights television or the latest celebrity rumours. Gary thought they were rather sad and repetitive.

His favourites were the workers. Usually late for work, he’d watch men in suits to small for them half-run and half-walk down the wet street, slipping and sliding, dropping briefcases and shouting bad language for the children to hear. They were much more amusing, worth more of his time than those stupid middle-aged mothers with no job.

This Friday morning, there was one in particular he was sighting. She looked in her late thirties, short brown hair and most likely a cigarette in her mouth. Her lips curled around the end of it, as if it were sucking all the life out of it. She enjoyed it, and ended up starting up another fag before she had finished the last. She was a disgrace to society, she just had to go.

Gary tilted the sniper rifle forwards and took aim without any hesitation. His scope was in line, all he needed to do now was press down. He laid his finger upon the cold dark trigger and took a deep breath.

Click.

He smiled as she hit the ground, blood gushing from her skull, her eyes flickering back to her brain and the pram she was holding colliding with the ground. Nobody seemed to notice though; the mothers she was walking with moved forward at the same pace and the workers across the street took no time in seeing what all the commotion was. It was the same every-day he shot those who disgusted him down. Nobody cared; they ignored his action for perfection. He was always alone.

The truth was though, that Gary in-fact never shot anyone, his sniper rifle was never loaded and the so called ‘death’ he had caused was nothing but a fragment of his imagination. All day and all night, the only sound to be heard from his room was click. He never slept, hardly ate or drank, and only ever left the window to go to the toilet. This was his job you see. He was a senior sniper man for his countries armed forces, taking out the people in society one at a time. Some days it would be one, others ten. On the odd occasion, those from the dead appeared again. He’d sent messages through his radio (A unconnected phone line and some cereal boxes) back to base to alarm them of an un-dead invasion of the such. It’s sad really once you think about it, being only in his late forties, mental illness should not really be affecting him. Maybe it was his childhood or mid-life crisis that changed him. It didn’t matter now. The only think that satisfied his taste now, was a single sound.

Click.

- - -

BW.

snorrie · 09-03-2007, 09:29 PM

I can appreciate your attempt at writing this story and its got potential if you could cleanup the prose. Don’t give up. I saw your age on your profile and I wish I would have started when I was your age. My teachers just never paid any attention to my creative side I guess. Too bad. Anyway, I’ll give you a few pointers to get you going

Quote:

The Scope of the Sniper just fitted Gary’s eye, and with it being so flexible he could see the whole street 14 floors below.

Keep it simple. It sounds to clunky and what is flexible. Keep your thoughts clear. How about: Gary had the sniper rifle positioned so he could see the whole street 14 floors below through the scope. I still don’t like it but you get my drift. Keep the imagery clear. Maybe break it into two sentences.

Quote:

A group of school children ran through the rain, their shiny black shoes kicking the puddles as their uniform grew soggier by the minute.

I don’t know about the shoes kicking the puddles but the kids might be kicking the puddles with their shoes.

Quote:

Behind them, their mothers walked, umbrellas in one hand, Pram in the other, they chatted loudly about last nights television or the latest celebrity rumours.

How do you know the ladies are their mothers? Maybe have ladies walking behind the children and presume them to be the mothers.

Quote:

His favourites were the workers.

Try to keep your writing active. This is passive voice. Active voice: He favored the workers. Active but it could use some dressing up. Always try to keep your writing as active voice as possible.

This is all I have time for because I’m wanted down stairs. I’ll try to get back to this later. Don’t give up. At your age, by the time you become an adult, your writing will be superb. Good luck. Keep writing.

Smiling Hobo · 09-03-2007, 10:21 PM

You need to do more showing and less telling...that's all I have to say.

Richie.S · 09-04-2007, 04:29 PM

A very dark written work - I liked it immensely. If I was to pick a hole it would be the punctuation in places; unfortunately in the places that really count.
You have painted an excellent picture, in my mind, through your use of words and the only parts that make it less than it should be are the parts where the punctuation goes a little awry.
Personally I have a problem with my own punctuation, but that's been partially rectified through reading Graham King's "Good Punctuation" published by Collins - just the first few pages of this book has helped me hugely in my writing.
Damned good work, Sir; but if you'd like a few examples of what I'm hinting at then let me know.
Keep it up, you have done a fine job.

Blood_Writer · 09-05-2007, 01:48 PM

Thanks alot Snorrie, SH and Richie. Your words have been helpful.

I know I must work on my punctuation greatly, and if you wouldn't mind Richie, I would love for some useful help on the subject.

Also, Snorrie, your examples of help have been great. I'll be re-doing it some other time, but right now, with School-work already piling up, time is getting shorter and shorter.

Yours Thankfully,

BW.