SammyMJ

Addiction


She looked out the window at the cold concrete floor below. He used to stand there and call her name with a smile. Not anymore. A tear slithered down her cheek, and she shut the window harder than was necessary. Get a grip Carrie, she thought.
It had been a two months since Carrie had last seen him. It seemed like an entire year to her. Grabbing a tissue from her bedside table, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen and picked up her mobile phone from the counter. Her hands started to shake as she dialled in the digits. Putting it to her ear, the wait began. Ring after ring, no one was answering.

‘Bastard,’ the phone now lay on the floor with its back cover lying a metre away from the handset. How could he be so inconsiderate, to her especially, someone he was suppose to care about. A pack of cigarettes appeared from her jeans pocket; she placed one in her mouth and lit it with the gas cooker. Cassie had quit for six months, until now. She inhaled the smoke with a look of ecstasy on her face. ‘Stop thinking of him,’ Carrie tapped her self on the head, ‘enough now.’

The door bell rang, and Carrie quickly jumped up and rushed to the door.

‘Oh I see you have started smoking again, no surprise there,’

‘Dylan! What...where the hell have you been?’

‘Are you going to invite me in or what Carrie?’

‘No! Give me a reason why I should? I can think of hundreds why I shouldn’t,’

‘I need to explain what’s happened.’ Carrie was silent.

‘Good enough reason I think, now let me in,’ she stood aside and Dylan pushed past her and he made himself comfy on the arm chair in the lounge. Carrie chucked the cigarette out the door then pushed it closed and wondered into the lounge.

‘I’ve had enough of your shit Dylan, you know that?’

‘Just sit down,’ Carrie slid in to the couch and glared at him.

‘Go on then, explain why you have been such an idiotic arse then please?’

‘It’s Jason, he, well he needs my help,’

‘Jason! This is all to do with Jason. I can’t believe you sometimes, really bloody can’t,’ she stood up and walked into the kitchen. Don’t you dare cry, she told her self. If Jason was at the bottom of all this, then she knew what was about to come.

‘Will you just listen please Carrie?’

‘How did I know you would take Jason’s side on all this? You’re supposed to be my fucking brother Dylan!’ She said then sat on a stool, and burst in to hysterical tears.

‘Carrie please don’t do this, Jason is different and he wants and needs my help now with, well, you know,’

‘I need your help Dylan, remember me your sister!’ She was screaming at him now. Dylan hated her being like this but he knew it was the right thing to do. Jason was his friend; he couldn’t just leave him in this state.

‘You’ve tried to ring him haven’t you?’ He picked up the pieces of the phone that lay on the floor.

‘No, I didn’t’

‘Carrie don’t lie to me, are you using again?’

‘Of course not, I’m not like your friend Jason,’

‘He did love you Carrie, ’

‘He loved me so much he got me on to heroin. He was no good for me Dylan, and he is no good for you,’

‘Well to be quite honest, he didn’t force the heroin in to your veins did he? You had a choice Carrie.’

‘I’m clean, that’s all that matters to me now,’

‘I’m glad you’re clean but who helped you? Me, or have you forgotten all of a sudden?’

‘No,’ they both went quite and stared at each other.

‘Does Jason ever ask about me?’

‘All the time, but he needed your help,’

‘I miss him,’ She said and hugged her knees close to her chest.

‘I know you do, but its time to forget and move on,’

‘It’s hard,’

‘Its not going to be easy,’ Dylan said and walked over and hugged his younger sister. She was so venerable at the moment and yet tried to be so strong. Carrie and Jason made the perfect couple until the heroin became the other woman. Then the other man when Carrie started using. Carrie was on it for a year, then checked her self in to rehab when she left Jason and hasn’t looked back since. She left him because he overdosed and the police got involved. It was cowardly, but she wasn’t herself back then.

‘I’m sorry Dylan,’ Carrie whispered.

‘It’s OK, but I have to help him, he is in a bad way. Don’t try and phone him again, not till he is clean,’

‘I won’t.’

They both sat there for what seemed like hours. Dylan eventually kissed her on the head and said goodbye. She knew it was time to move on with her life.

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snorrie

bravo! This is some pretty clean writing. If you were to look at some of my other comments, you would see that I'm not easy to impress. And I must say that you've developed this piece quite well. And it was an easy read. Good stuff. again, bravo....

FictionFan

Hi Sammy,

I noticed a few little mistakes. Like you've got "passed her" when it should be "past her". You've also got the character going by Cassie in the beginning and Carrie later on. And you've got venerable when I think you want "vulnerable".

Also this is a problem --> ‘Its not going to be easy,’ Dylan hugged his younger sister.

You've got that type of error in a few places. You need something in there like--> "It's not going to be easy," Dylan said and hugged his sister. But it's grammatically incorrect the way you have it now.

I think when the brother comes over you should introduce him as the brother right away. Because the conversation goes on for some while and we don't know who he is. It is tiresome guessing at their relationship. And you need to explain who Jason is early on.

I personally think you should explain the conflict early in the story. I felt like you were dancing around it and didn't really get to it until the end which I think is backwards. Basically take your story and turn it on its head and I think it will be much improved.

I think you've got to get right to the topic of addiction early on. Your story is entitled "addiction" but other than cigarette addiction there isn't much about addiction until almost near the end.

~fictionfan

SammyMJ

Thank you Snorrie, thank you for taking the time to read it.

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SammyMJ

Thank you fictionfan for pointing out the mistakes. I had Cassie as the name originally but changed it to Carrie so I must of left a few Cassie's in there. I do think I'll bring the addiction up earlier on in the story, and Dylan being her brother. I'm not sure about mentioning Jason earlier on though. I'll play around with it anyway. Thanks again.

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SammyMJ

Addiction


She looked out the window at the cold concrete floor below. He used to stand there and call her name with a smile. Not any more. A tear slithered down her cheek, and she shut the window harder than was necessary. Get a grip Carrie, she thought.
It had been a two months since Carrie had last seen him. It seemed like an entire year to her. Grabbing a tissue from her bedside table, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen and picked up her mobile phone from the counter. Her hands started to shake as she dialled in the digits. Putting it to her ear, the wait began. Ring after ring, no one was answering.

‘Bastard,’ the phone now lay on the floor with its back cover lying a metre away from the handset. How could he be so inconsiderate, to her especially, someone he was suppose to care about. A pack of cigarettes appeared from her jeans pocket; she placed one in her mouth and lit it with the gas cooker. Cassie had quit for six months, until now. She inhaled the smoke with a look of ecstasy on her face. ‘Stop thinking of him,’ Carrie tapped her self on the head, ‘enough now.’

The door bell rang, and Carrie quickly jumped up and rushed to the door.

‘Oh I see you have started smoking again, no surprise there,’

‘Dylan! What...where the hell have you been?’

‘Are you going to invite me in or what Carrie?’

‘No! Give me a reason why I should? I can think of hundreds why I shouldn’t,’

‘I need to explain what’s happened and I’m your older brother. There’s two.’ Carrie was silent.

‘Good enough reason I think, now let me in,’ she stood aside and Dylan pushed past her and he made himself comfy on the arm chair in the lounge. Carrie chucked the cigarette out the door then pushed it closed and wondered into the lounge.

‘I’ve had enough of your shit Dylan, you know that?’

‘Just sit down,’ Carrie slid in to the couch and glared at him.

‘Go on then, explain why you have been such an idiotic arse then please?’

‘It’s Jason, he, well he needs my help,’

‘Jason! This is all to do with Jason. I can’t believe you sometimes, really bloody can’t,’ she stood up and walked into the kitchen. Don’t you dare cry, she told her self. If Jason was at the bottom of all this, then she knew what was about to come.

‘Will you just listen please Carrie?’

‘How did I know you would take Jason’s side on all this? You’re supposed to be my fucking brother Dylan!’ She said then sat on a stool, and burst in to hysterical tears.

‘Carrie please don’t do this, Jason is different and he wants help now getting off the heroin,’

‘I need your help Dylan, remember me your sister!’ She was screaming at him now. Dylan hated her being like this but he knew it was the right thing to do. Jason was his friend; he couldn’t just leave him in this state.

‘You’ve tried to ring him haven’t you?’ He picked up the pieces of the phone that lay on the floor.

‘No, I didn’t’

‘Carrie don’t lie to me, are you using again?’

‘Of course not, I’m not like your friend Jason,’

‘He did love you Carrie, ’

‘He loved me so much he got me on to heroin. He was no good for me Dylan, and he is no good for you,’

‘Well to be quite honest, he didn’t force the heroin in to your veins did he? You had a choice Carrie.’

‘I’m clean, that’s all that matters to me now,’

‘I’m glad you’re clean but who helped you? Me, or have you forgotten all of a sudden?’

‘No,’ they both went quite and stared at each other.

‘Does Jason ever ask about me?’

‘All the time, but he needed your help,’

‘I miss him,’ She said and hugged her knees close to her chest.

‘I know you do, but its time to forget and move on,’

‘It’s hard,’

‘Its not going to be easy,’ Dylan softly said, and walked over and hugged his younger sister. She was so venerable at the moment and yet tried to be so strong. Carrie and Jason made the perfect couple until the heroin became the other woman. Then the other man when Carrie started using. Carrie was on it for a year, then checked her self in to rehab when she left Jason and hasn’t looked back since. She left him because he overdosed and the police got involved. It was cowardly, but she wasn’t herself back then.

‘I’m sorry Dylan,’ Carrie whispered.

‘It’s OK, but I have to help him, he is in a bad way. Don’t try and phone him again, not till he is clean,’

‘I won’t.’

They both sat there for what seemed like hours. Dylan eventually kissed her on the head and said goodbye. She knew it was time to move on with her life.

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smilinghelps

Hi SammyMJ,

Good story here. You know how much I love your poetry, so I had to read your short story as well.

Most of my comments are grammatical. Your quotes should be traditional " " quotes, not ' '. Also, when you finish a sentence put your period in the quotes if its the end of what that character is saying.

Example:

‘I’m sorry Dylan,’ Carrie whispered.

"I'm sorry Dylan.", Carrie whispered.


This is what I picked out of first run-through. I'm not picking on you--I just know how helpful it was to me to see where my problems are so I could focus on the meat of the story and rely on the knowledge that my form was correct. (usually anyway)


Addiction


She looked out the window at the cold concrete floor below. He used to stand there and call her name with a smile. Not any more (anymore). A tear slithered (I'd try a different verb here) down her cheek, and she shut the window harder than was (don't need was) necessary. Get a grip Carrie, she thought.
It had been a two months since Carrie had last seen him. It seemed like an entire year to her. Grabbing a tissue from her bedside table, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen and picked up her mobile phone from the counter. (Too many things happening here, make two sentences) Her hands started to shake as she dialled (dialed) in the digits. Putting it to her ear, the wait began. Ring after ring, no one was answering.

‘Bastard,’ (quotes) the phone now lay on the floor with its back cover lying (I believe it should be laying) a metre away from the handset. How could he be so inconsiderate, to her especially, someone he was suppose to care about. A pack of cigarettes appeared from her jeans pocket (I know what you're trying to say, but the cigarettes shouldn't 'appear'); she placed one in her mouth and lit it with the gas cooker. Cassie had quit for six months, until now. She inhaled the smoke with a look of ecstasy (we can't see her face, perhaps you can say: A feeling of ecstasy washed over Carrie when she inhaled" on her face. ‘Stop thinking of him,’ Carrie tapped her self (herself) on the head, ‘enough now.’

The door bell (doorbell) rang, and Carrie quickly jumped up and rushed to the door.

‘Oh I see you have started smoking again, no surprise there,’

‘Dylan! What...where the hell have you been?’

‘Are you going to invite me in or what Carrie?’

‘No! Give me a reason why I should? I can think of hundreds why I shouldn’t,’

‘I need to explain what’s happened and I’m your older brother. There’s two.’ Carrie was silent.

‘Good enough reason I think, now let me in,’ she stood aside and Dylan pushed past her and he made himself comfy on the arm chair in the lounge. Carrie chucked the cigarette out the door then pushed it closed and wondered (wandered--and again, a lot happens in this sentence.)into the lounge.

‘I’ve had enough of your shit Dylan, you know that?’

‘Just sit down,’ Carrie slid in to the couch and glared at him.

‘Go on then, explain why you have been such an idiotic arse (I'm not picking on you--I know this is an English phrase, but will only work if your story takes place ther--just for future reference)-- then please?’

‘It’s Jason, he, well he needs my help,’

‘Jason! This is all to do with Jason. I can’t believe you sometimes, really bloody can’t,’ she stood up and walked into the kitchen. Don’t you dare cry, she told her self. If Jason was at the bottom of all this, then she knew what was about to come.

‘Will you just listen please Carrie?’

‘How did I know you would take Jason’s side on all this? You’re supposed to be my fucking brother Dylan!’ She said then sat on a stool, and burst in to hysterical tears.

‘Carrie please don’t do this, Jason is different and he wants help now getting off the heroin,’

‘I need your help Dylan, remember me your sister!’ She was screaming at him now. Dylan hated her being like this but he knew it was the right thing to do. Jason was his friend; he couldn’t just leave him in this state.

‘You’ve tried to ring him haven’t you?’ He picked up the pieces of the phone that lay on the floor.

‘No, I didn’t’

‘Carrie don’t lie to me, are you using again?’

‘Of course not, I’m not like your friend Jason,’

‘He did love you Carrie, ’

‘He loved me so much he got me on to heroin. He was no good for me Dylan, and he is no good for you,’

‘Well to be quite honest, he didn’t force the heroin in to your veins did he? You had a choice Carrie.’

‘I’m clean, that’s all that matters to me now,’

‘I’m glad you’re clean but who helped you? Me, or have you forgotten all of a sudden?’

‘No,’ they both went quite and stared at each other.

‘Does Jason ever ask about me?’

‘All the time, but he needed your help,’

‘I miss him,’ She said and hugged her knees close to her chest.

‘I know you do, but its time to forget and move on,’

‘It’s hard,’

‘Its not going to be easy,’ Dylan softly said, and walked over and hugged his younger sister. She was so venerable at the moment and yet tried to be so strong. Carrie and Jason made the perfect couple until the heroin became the other woman. Then the other man when Carrie started using. Carrie was on it for a year, then checked her self in to rehab when she left Jason and hasn’t looked back since. She left him because he overdosed and the police got involved. It was cowardly, but she wasn’t herself back then.

‘I’m sorry Dylan,’ Carrie whispered.

‘It’s OK, but I have to help him, he is in a bad way. Don’t try and phone him again, not till (either 'til or until) he is clean,’

‘I won’t.’

They both sat there for what seemed like hours. Dylan eventually kissed her on the head and said goodbye. She knew it was time to move on with her life.


I only highlighted the first quotes, you'll have to check the others yourself. The storyline is great, it just needs some fattening up which I see you plan to do from your earlier posts. Its a good read and interesting subject. I hope you realize I'm only trying to help, I think you're a great writer. The rules are sometimes burdensome but there are some great websites with grammar rules if you need help (or you could post your questions here).

Can't wait to read the repost.

-smiling

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"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
E. B. White

Non Serviam

I'm afraid this is one of the several American rules that Brits use as toilet paper. At least half the fiction published in the UK uses single quotes for dialogue.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle The ways of the world are twisty and unknowable, the only way to be sure you are not caught out in something you regret is not to do things you may regret.

Non Serviam

Dialogue attribution 101: watch where the commas and inverted commas go.

"------- -----," said John.
"------- -----," said John, "------."

"------- -----?" asked John.
"------- -----?" asked John. "-------?"
Rarely: "------- ------?" asked John, "and ---------?"

You can also substitute an exclamation mark for the question mark.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle The ways of the world are twisty and unknowable, the only way to be sure you are not caught out in something you regret is not to do things you may regret.

SammyMJ

Thank you so much smilinghelps. My grammar does need a lot of work, but I can only get better I hope lol. The only thing is in the UK single quotation marks are generally used.Thanks for taking the time to read it and point out my mistakes.

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SammyMJ

Thanks for that Non Serviam, I'm relying far too much on my grammar check. Thank you again !

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