Grim

(First short story, playing with dialogue among other things. Hope it's not complete crap. Thanks for reading.)


“It’s important to stay positive.”

“I know.”

“Have you been taking your medication?”

“Yeah.” Usually. Did I take it today?

“So what’s on your mind? What can I do to help?”

“I’m worried about Marcy. She seems distracted lately – she’s been hanging around with this guy I don’t know. His name is Robert.”

“Well, have you asked about him? Maybe they’re work friends.”

I shake my head. That’s bullshit, and she knows it, “All she ever does is talk about work and he's never been brought up before. They’re always meeting on the weekend. Going to some movie, or a poetry reading, or some shit. She’s got no right to do this time me.”

“John, have you talked to her about this? Maybe there’s something you don’t know about.”

“No. Her life is her life. If she wants to go parading the town her with little man-meat, then let her. We’ll see who’s having such a good goddamn time when hubby walks in on them one day.”

“John… You have to take control of this fear. What do you think your wife’s doing right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just take a guess. Any old thing she might be doing. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. Just try to think reasonably.”

“……”

“John.”

Maybe I should call her. If I call, then I’ll know for sure. None of this guessing shit.

“Can I use your phone?”

Malinda looks startled for a second, and then recedes back into shrink mode, looking like she was expecting this question ever since she got her diploma two weeks ago.

“You don’t need the phone John.” She laces her fingers together, her wedding ring sparkling a million kinds of brilliant, “I’m trying to help you. If you have to call, it’s defeating the purpose. The only way we’re going to get through this is to stick together, and you have to be honest with me.”

“Why don’t you have your own office yet, Linda? You seem smart enough. Why is the agency holding out?”

She smiles very faintly. She thinks it’s amusing that I’m asking questions. I’ve never done this before. I’m really opening up. Really breaking through.

“We all have to pay our dues John. We all have to work hard to better ourselves. Where is your medication right now?”

I poured them down the drain. When did I stand back up? Malinda is looking at me like I’m crazy.

“John. Your pills, John. You said you were still taking them. Is Marcy keeping them for you, back at home?”

“Do you think Marcy cares enough about me to keep track of that shit?”

She flinches when I say shit. Pretentious. Big Bad John, the whiney little, “Shit!”

Maria winces again. She’s trying so hard -- trying not to look scared.

“John… John, how did you find my house?”

What a stupid question, “Jesus Marcy. Maybe you’re the one that should be on the pills. We live together, for Christ’s sake! Have you forgotten that? Forgotten me?!”

“John, I’m not Marcy, I’m Linda! I’m here to help you. Please, let me just get the phone for you!” She tries to get up, to reach for the phone, but her ankle is cuffed to the sofa. I heft my Louisville slugger.

“Where is he? Still in my bed?”

“John! Ther'e no one else here!”

I throw all my weight into it.

Don’t ever lie to me.

_____

Across town, Robert rolls off of Marcy, sweat falling from his brow, his muscles still twitching from the effort. He flicks a glance at his watch, and Marcy pats his belly, “Just chill. He’ll be gone for at least another hour.”

“The guy freaks me out, okay? Why can’t you just get your own place?”

“He's my brother Rob. He just needs help." She chews her lip, idly watching the ceiling fan, pulling the sheets up above her breasts, “I think he’s getting better anyway. He says he’s been taking his pills. And he told me that he was going to see his therapist. You just have to be patient. Once he figures his life out, I’ll tell him that we want to move in together. It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

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Jiri

Hi Grim,
I like your short story. You stated the problem right at the beginning, just like it should be in a short story, kept it tight, and dealt with that issue the rest of the way.
Quite dramatic too.

Jiri-


www.mycooltopics.com

FictionFan

Hi there. I like that the story starts out with dialogue; that helped draw me in to the story. The dialogue is definitely the strongest part of the story.

I'm confused about what's going on in this story! Could you explain it to me?

This guy's attacking his shrink? Is he supposed to have schizophrenia or some ambiguous mental illness? If I understood the story correctly I have to say it's pretty offensive to people with mental illness.

The premise is a guy off his medication attacking his shrink, am I right? Your story does a good job of highlighting all the stereotypes and misconceptions about mental illness.

As if wasn't enough the main character attacked his shrink you have the Robert character saying to Marcy “The guy freaks me out, okay? Why can’t you just get your own place?” Clearly John is someone to be feared. Robert doesn't even give a reason why he fears John. He simply seems to know intuitively there is something "off" about John.

But not everyone is afraid of John. The poor unsuspecting shrink doesn't appear to fear him and look what happens to her - she gets bludgeoned in the end! She should have just tried to stay away from him the way way Robert seems to want to. Oh and poor Marcy at the end talking about her crazy brother ... "He says he’s been taking his pills. And he told me that he was going to see his therapist. You just have to be patient. Once he figures his life out, I’ll tell him that we want to move in together. It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

Poor Marcy doesn't know John hasn't been taking his meds and he's beating up the shrink. If only he had taken his meds that poor shrink might've been saved (good patients take their meds and look what happens if they don't. remember to take your meds good patients.).

The only possible conclusion the reader can take away from this story is that people with mental illness are to be feared because they are violent and unpredictable. I'm sure that there are people with mental illness who do attack other people but they are the exception rather than the rule and there are plenty of statistics to back that up. A good book about this subject is "Media Madness: Public Images of Mental Illness by Otto F. Wahl" It's all about how the media exploits those with mental illness for the sake of "dramatic" stories and high TV ratings and box office sales. It's a really good book.

Okay anyway! Apart from the subject matter I have another complaint about this piece. I found it confusing. Specifically this part here.....

She flinches when I say shit. Pretentious. Big Bad John, the whiney little, “Shit!”

Maria winces again. She’s trying so hard -- trying not to look scared.

“John… John, how did you find my house?”

Who is Maria? I don't get it. I think it may just be me though because the previous reviewer didn't wonder about this section.

I think you should either do a realistic, non-sensationalized portrayal of mental illness or leave the subject alone entirely. That is my advice.

~fictionfan

FictionFan

I apologize. That was a total rant and a criticism of the content not the actual writing. You have absolutely no moral obligation to portray mentally ill characters in a favorable light. I mean you can portray mentally ill characters however you want but your duty as a writer is to make it believable and my criticism of the piece is that it doesn't strike me as believable.

It starts out okay you know the guy is meeting with his psychiatrist and boom out of no where he is attacking her. I really didn't feel there was enough lead up to the attack to make it believable. Why is she so calm at the beginning if her leg is chained to the sofa? That doesn't seem believable. It starts out with the patient and doctor having a calm rational conversation (so her leg is chained to the sofa during this part? Why is she so calm?) She says "“So what’s on your mind? What can I do to help?” I'm confused is her leg chained to the sofa at this point? If it happens later you need to point that out. It comes out of no where that her leg is chained. Why is this fact being kept secret? What purpose does that serve? I am unclear about this.

Basically if you want to make John into a believable baseball bat wielding "maniac" you have to have some more lead up/background history. There is practially no background information given other than he's not taking his medication and he seems suspicious "his wife" is having an affair. There seems to be no motivation for attacking the shrink. Perhaps that is your point though that John is unpredictable and doesn't need a reason to attack anyone. But if that is your point you have to express that somehow. Otherwise it just reads like there are background/plot holes. The characters are operating with pretty much no motivation. Maybe you left out the characters' backgrounds/motivations expecting that the reader will simply fill in the missing information but that is not their job it's your job as the writer.

So I apologize for my "rant" about mental illness. I should have discussed the actual writing.

I hope my criticism made sense. Let me know if it didn't.

Peace!

~fictionfan

Grim

Wow. That's a lot of questions.

Thanks.

Sure.

The story isn't making fun of people with mental illness. It's attempting to give an accurate portrayal of the progression of fear and delusion. John is an out-source for this.

No, the premise is of a man who succumbs to his own fear and lets it overtake him. I never actually said he had a mental illness. I said he was on medication, and that he had quit taking it. His behavior could just as easily be explained BY the medication. Some meds have been proven to drive people to do extreme things.

Yes, John is an insecure person, affected by strong medications and withdrawls, motivated by fear. These people exist. I used to be one of them.

Obviously John has not had a history of violence or he wouldn't have the freedom to do what he does. As was indicated in the story, Linda is new to her job, and traditionally therapists don't hide from patients.

Maybe he did this because he took the meds in the first place.

Does your brain have a special cognitive ability to pool itself with the rest of the world? Because you're speaking for a lot of people.

Thanks, I'll look into it.

Why are you being so critical of the content if you don't understand the content?

Maria is a blend of Linda and Marcy, a transformation within the mind of John. It's a maneuver I intend to change as soon as I get the time.

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Grim

If you can't go back and see all of the key progression points that leads John to do what he does, I can't help you.

John has invaded her home, chained her to a sofa, and is talking about his problems while clutching a baseball bat. Being a woman with considerably less muscle mass and a degree in psyche, would you be trying to drag the sofa to the phone, or would you try to use your mind as your method of escape?

Again, to save her own ass.

Yes.

It's a plot twist. The cuff around her ankle is symbolic and changes the entire message of the story. It morphs the therapist from a willing volunteer, doing her job, into a hostage (which goes on to make a statement about John's state of mind).

He's not a maniac. He's a human being plagued by fear and misconception.

I can't spend this much time explaining away the story.

The story doesn't have a human motivator. The things that progress the story are ideas such as fear and frustration. This isn't television. I'm not going to sit my characters down and explain what is happening to you. If you want to understand the story, you have to think about the nature of abstract concepts. It's your job as a reader to think. If that's not something you want to do, I'd suggest Dragonlance.

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EcstasyOfGold

Typo.


I don't get this. If the therapist was being held against her will, wouldn't she want to call someone for help?


Because of the context of the story, I thought maybe "patient" was a play on words, but I can't see that it is.


Incestuous love or lust triggers depression and violence. That's what I get from this.

Anyway, I think the story is complete enough as it stands.

Good job.

Grim

Ecstacy - I'm glad you were able to take something from it. It's as good a message as any. I tried to leave John's past vague, so you could draw your own theories about him. You have an interesting take on it.

Thanks for reminding me. I fixed it in Critique, but forgot it here. I appreciate it.

I was working off of the idea that Linda could tell how unstable John was. Calling for help would've been a lost cause at that point, but I couldn't really relay that, being that the story was from John's perspective. Might try to tweak something though, make it fit better. Thanks.

Unintentional, but thanks. I'll take whatever credit I can scrounge.

You have a very chronological mind. I respect that. Thanks for the kind review, I'll try to take your points to heart. If you need a review of something, please feel free to link it, or perhaps I'll find it on my own.

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SammyMJ

I really liked this, the twist at the end was good and unexpected. I hate it when you can pretty much guess the outcome and with this you don't.

I agree with Ecstasyofgold - Anyway, I think the story is complete enough as it stands.

Great story!

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FictionFan

Yes his behaviour could just as easily be explained BY the medication but there isn't any explanation. Yes and I agree some medications can have serious adverse effects on the brain. One example being antidepressant induced homicides/suicides. But that is a whole other topic.

You may have intended to convey that he is insecure and affected by medication withdrawals and motivated by fear but this does not come across. I can say this because I read it more than once and I am clear on the content.

What you've got is a guy in a psychiatrist's office. He's taking medication. The psychiatrist is hinting that there is some reason he might not be thinking clearly for she emphasizes to him to try to "think reasonably" The next main thing that happens is he asks for the phone ....

“You don’t need the phone John.” She laces her fingers together, her wedding ring sparkling a million kinds of brilliant, “I’m trying to help you. If you have to call, it’s defeating the purpose. The only way we’re going to get through this is to stick together, and you have to be honest with me.”

At this point it still by all appearances seems like a regular session. Other than the brief second where she seems startle when he asks for the phone nothing is amiss. He swears, she flinches. He calls her by the wrong name. He attacks her with a baseball bat.

Here are the facts of the story as we know them: there's a guy talking to his shrink; he's worried about his wife cheating on him; he is supposed to be on medication.

It is not unreasonable to think that the man is at the shrink's office because he is mentally unstable (the fact that he is on medication, seems paranoid and the shrink is emphasizing that he try to "think reasonably") If he is NOT mentally ill you have to explain that because otherwise it is very easy for the reader to come away from it with the impression John is mentally ill - quite likely schizophrenic.

It could well be the reason he attacked her in the first place but it is a mystery to me (the reader).



I was wrong I do understand the content quite clearly.



Cool yeah that would clarify things.

~fictionfan

FictionFan

Okay there is no hint that they are at her home. Indeed there is no hint of where the story is set. We only know it is a shrink talking to her patient.

We don't know she is chained to the sofa until right before he beats her with the baseball bat. And there is no indication of the baseball bat until the moment he lifts it to beat her. So where in there am I - the reader - supposed to deduce that she is trying to use her cognitive abilities to try to get out of a dangerous situation? There is essentially no real hint of danger right up until the moment he attacks her.


If I want to understand the story I have to fill in the blanks. I have deduced that John has schizophrenia. You're telling me that is not so. And I see nothing in the story to indicate otherwise. You can't work on abstract concepts without getting the basics out of the way. And I am not trying to be patronizing. It is fine to write for yourself and no one else but if you post something on a board and imply that the reader is at fault for not understanding the story then that is a problem. Maybe I am dumb or maybe something in the story is unclear. The previous poster also didn't understand why the therapist (chained to the sofa) didn't call for help. So that is two readers who don't get it.

It IS my job as the reader to think. But I shouldn't be left with major questions such as - does this character have schizophrenia? Why is he suddenly beating the therapist? Etc. That's not the kind of thinking you want your reader to be doing I'm assuming. It's not that I don't want to think about "abstract concepts" it's just I am still missing major parts of characterization/plot.

I don't know what Dragonlance means but I sense that this is a dig at me. I know writing is very personal and it is easy to get personally offended by criticism ( I have a lot of trouble with that too) but I am not attacking you in any way. I am just saying there are things you could work on in this story.

~fictionfan

Grim

Sammy - Thanks so much for stopping in and reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your kind comments. I'll be on the lookout for your work -- hope to return the favor.

Fiction - You seem like a nice enough guy, but I can't do another explanatory post. I'm sorry that there are holes in this for you, but I've got almost fifteen other people on here (and the Crit and advice board) that didn't get lost by this. I appreciate your attempt to point out the flaws, but I'm hearing a lot more, "Keep it as it stands" than anything else.

I do intend to go back and change some small things -- and hell, if more people come up and support your questions, I'll look into it. But for now, most of the forum seems happy with this, so I am too. If that changes, I'll change the story. Thanks for coming by, and good luck with your writing.

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snorrie

I liked the dialog. It's somethng I have to work on myself. I would like to see the scene painted, though. May he's smoking a cigarette, figgeting, or maybe the shrink is. I don't know. I'm not going to say the end was obvious but it was sitting in the back of my mind that the woman he is talking about isn 't his girlfriend. More developement on the scenery, please.