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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 08-27-2007, 01:33 PM   #1
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Untitled 834 words

This started as a piece for the LM forum writing contest "fly on the wall" perspective of a conversation, but as I went on it became not so objective, and quite a bit too long, so I figured I'd put it here. This is my first attempt at something a little bit twisted, with some shock value. I wrote it pretty quickly so it's probably riddled with grammatical errors, but please let me know what you think of it.

(It is a little bit sexual, but nothing graphic)


here it is....



“Good luck Lizzy.” Her mother smiled reassuringly.

“Eliza, don’t forget to mention all of you’re community service work, they like to see that their applicants have heart; it’ll put you above the rest.”

“Got it Daddy”

He nodded and gave a faint smile, “Good luck.” He bent slightly to kiss her on the forehead.

“The Director will be in shortly to conduct your interview. Follow me please.” The Director’s secretary walked out of the lobby down a narrow hallway. Eliza followed timidly, keeping her distance from the middle aged lady leading the way.

“This’ll be the room.” The secretary showed Eliza into a small room in the back corner of the building. “It’ll be nice and quite in here for you. The Director will be here in a minute.”

Eliza nodded and thanked her as she left the room.

Before Eliza could sit down the Director of Admissions entered the room. He was a sixty something man with soft blue eyes, bearing his warmest paternal smile. “Eliza Barrett,” he said, looking into the file he’d brought with him.

“Yes sir.” She smiled, not meeting his gaze, and shook his hand softly.

“Please, have a seat.” He said, gesturing to a couch across the room.

Eliza walked towards the small couch and sat down with her purse on her lap, facing the Director who had sat down in a desk chair which he had pulled quite close to the couch.

She stroked her hair several times, pulling it behind her ear, away from her face, staring at her shoes, and holding her purse tightly in the now sweaty palm of her free hand. It was a nervous habit.

“So Eliza,”

“Call me Lizzy,” she interrupted.

“Lizzy,” the Director continued in a warm voice, his broad smile stretching his wrinkled face, “tell me about yourself.”

As he spoke she removed her overcoat, revealing a low cut shirt which caught the Director’s eye as she continued to lean forward, staring at her shoes. Without looking up she knew he was staring, she could hear it in his voice.

Lizzy drew a deep breath and looked straight into the director’s eyes, quickly snapping his gaze from her chest.

“No.” She smiled calmly; there was fire in her stare. “Why don’t we talk about you?”

The Director’s smile was suddenly replaced with a confused grimace, but she continued before he could interject. “As the Director of Admissions, you get a handful of picks for acceptance, no questions asked.” His face showed he had no idea where she was going with this. She smiled and re-crossed her legs, hiking up her skirt as she did so, giving the Director more than a glimpse of her soft toned tan thigh.

“What are you saying?” He said coyly, catching the hint. The Director’s face was now relaxed; he had no apprehension in his voice.

“What I’m saying, George, is that if you make me one of those picks,” she said in the most seductive voice she could muster, “I will make it very worth your while…” She smiled again, uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, affording him all the best views, perched her elbow on her thigh and slowly slid her index finder between her lips. She slid her other hand into her purse, “Just tell me what you want.”

The director smiled and licked his lower lip, eyes seething “If you sleep with me, I’ll let you in…no questions asked.”

She grinned wildly and removed her hand from her purse. “Perfect.” She threw on her overcoat and stood.

“I meant right now.” He laughed, as if she hadn’t understood.

“Oh, I know you did. I heard you loud and clear” She chuckled and reached into her purse, withdrawing the tape recorder she’d concealed within. “Would you like to hear it again?” she mused.

The Director was stricken, fear frozen in his eyes. “I looked you up,” she went on, “your wife almost divorced you recently, she found out just how many students you’d been sleeping with.” She laughed again coldly. “I knew you’d bite.” Her tone was now sharp, “it must have been hard for you to find a job at another school after a scandal like that. I’d hate to see what this tape could do to you.” He knew where she was headed. “So, you’re going to let me in, no questions asked, and this tape will stay our little secret.”

He nodded gravely.

“Perfect” she smiled cheerily, and walked towards the door. He rose to follow her out, still shell shocked.

The secretary was in the hall as she exited the room, Eliza spun on her toes, turning to face the Director, and clasped his hand. “Thank you so much for your time.”

Before he could respond she had left, smiling at the secretary as she passed, she emerged from the hallway into the lobby where her parents were waiting.

“How’d it go Lizzy?” her mother asked anxiously.

“It went perfectly,” she responded, in a sweet soft voice.








(I actually based this on a rumor at my high school that one of the seniors got into an Ivy League school by sleeping with the director of admissions. I figured I'd play with the idea)
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Old 08-28-2007, 01:10 AM   #2
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Heh, I liked that...the twist at the end was interesting...however, two sentences that really iffed me off...

Quote:
Eliza walked towards the small couch and sat down with her purse on her lap, facing the Director who had sat down in a desk chair which he had pulled quite close to the couch.

She stroked her hair several times, pulling it behind her ear, away from her face, staring at her shoes, and holding her purse tightly in the now sweaty palm of her free hand.
These sentences are run ons...I'm guessing that as you wrote it, the words just sort of flowed out, but it sounds bad on paper. Seperate these two sentences into several sentences and clean it up a bit so I don't get confused while reading them.

I also noticed this piece was rather heavy on the dialogue...I think that's OK, but a little bit more time could have been spent fleshing out descriptions of the setting and the characters. But overall, nice piece. Your dialogue is good and character's distinct...and the twist at the end is pretty good.
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Old 08-28-2007, 03:59 AM   #3
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Argh...

In your second sentence you used "you're" instead of "your".

The story is not bad, but this is an instant distraction from the story. Misspelled words and poor syntax will do nothing more than pull the reader's focus off what you're trying to say, and refocus it on the problems with the writing. An instant short story killer. Especially in the second line.
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Old 08-28-2007, 12:50 PM   #4
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Thanks for the input. This was a wrough draft, so I'm working on the spelling and grammar.
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