snorrie

Just a quick write to a story I'm contemplating, something that that will be a large project if I can summon the motivation to keep going. Any comments would be great. Thankx

The night air is cold when I gain consciousness. People are huddled around me, and a woman dressed in a black wool petticoat is on a cell phone. They’re looking down at me, their expressions not encouraging, a couple with their lips pressed together, most of them wide-eyed.

I must be in bad shape. My head hurts and I feel dampness on my scalp. Please don’t let it be blood, just water pooled in the gutter beneath me. I can’t move.

A neon sign blinks above, The Blue Flamingo. I’d been inside that bar for most of the night, drinking away the tips I made earlier on the blackjack tables. I’d made quite a bit of money, enough to pay my next month’s mortgage, possibly the car payment as well. I've had a good night until this point.

Sirens in the distance. Consciousness is fading. Someone is trying to keep me awake, telling me to focus on his finger. It’s blurry. Maybe he’s holding a cell phone. Voices are starting to echo and that’s my last memory until I wake up in the emergency room.

Holden Blake

Well it's an interesting scene you've laid out and I'm left wanting to know what has happened to him (if he is a he). I'm guessing the title refers to the fact that he's a blackjack dealer but I wonder wether there's a possible double meaning? Good job, I'd like to read more

snorrie

Thanks, Blake. I don't think this piece fits here, but I'm so use to posting here this is where it landed. Actually its going to be my expericences as a blackjack dealer, but I've had so many false starts. I guess I'm just trying to myself pschyed up for the long write. Thanks again.

Shadow Reeves

i like the scene, i have started many stories like that, and then they die out, mabye acuse im lazy....good luck

Frabes

At the risk of being overly negative, the only thing that kept me reading this was the knowledge that it was only 200 words. When I did get through it, the only thing I could think was "eh...".

I know this is just supposed to a quick write or hook or whatever, but it was just too much telling to interest me.

I'm not sure what else to comment, since there's not much there to begin with. How about a rough draft, next time?

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A Kind of Truth

snorrie

Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you. This is not telling, it is showing. Although, I must say that I should have posted more.

Frabes

Yes, I phrased that wrong.

What I was trying to point out was that the entirety of this piece is your MC's internal monologue. It's all stream-of-consciousness, and I miss some dialogue to break it up a bit, even though it is such a short work, and even though your speaker is incapacitated.

I guess it's partly just a matter of preference, since I absolutely hate stream-of-conciousness writing. But that doesn't really change the fact that you've got only a fraction of a story, as you've pointed out.

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A Kind of Truth

KaiBailey

Well, I think what makes this succesful so far is that it catches the reader's attention easily (well, at least it caught mine). If there were more, I'd keep reading.

snorrie

I'm quite skeptical of peoples advice until I've read their own material. I'm quite impressed with your writing and now I can see where you're coming from. Actually, I've been looking for people on this site to push me to the next level. I think I've found that in your work. I'll be keeping my on on your stuff. From what I've read, I've already learned quite a bit about developing pieces thoroughly. Thanks for the advice. Hope to see more of your stuff posted on here.

Amers

I think it's a good start, although some more information is welcome, but you said it already, it was just showing. So yeah, good start, makes me wondering what will happen and how etc.