dantescritic

The hill was high and couldn't be heard from the bridge below, Jose couldn't help but feel a touch of fear when his M-1 was peeking out, ready to kill anyone unlucky enough to stumble across the tiny bridge below. The cobblestone bridge ran over the tiny "Ribeira de Badajoz". The moist terrain around it extending to the treeline was muddy and what, probably due to the heavy rains the night before.

Jose tugged his tattered blue beret a little more onto his sweaty bronze forehead and inched closer to the side of the lonely hill. "El Bastardo should be here soon" he though, chuckling to himself and nervously grinding his teeth underneath his small black moustache.

Jose twitched uncomfortably, cursing himself inside of his head for not having a cigarette, at this point he thought.. it would give away his position, and he rather enjoyed life..especially one without the Spanish Fascists. "I will have to be brave" he muttered under his breath. Off in the distance the rumbling of an automobile could be heard over the rivers rushing waters. The Grey Vehicle pulled up onto the tiny bridge, staining it with mud. The two flags decorating the vehicles headlights had swastikas, and Jose grunted angrily.

Soon the rebel lay flat on his chest among the moist, dead leaves. "A terrible place to die" he thought. The staff cars side door opened and a single shiny black boot accompanied by a fat, blue pair of perfect dress pants clapped onto the cobblestones. Jose cocked his rifle "click" a single bullet popped out of rusty rifle. Jose carefully took aim.

Holden Blake

You're opening two sentences are very long but they are fairly intriguing. Im wondering if this is set during the 1936 Civil War? Perhaps you should give a little more away in terms of exposition, other than that it's a fine piece and I'd be tempted to read on.

dantescritic

Thanks for the feedback Holden. Would love to get more from others.

-Dante Aligheris Critic

snorrie

The hill couldn't be heard from the bridge below? I didn't know hills could make nosie. Did you mean that Jose couldn't be heard? And his M-1 was ready to kill? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. And why would Jose be afraid? He's in a superior position. Anyone below would be afraid, maybe, but then people didn't know he was up there on the bridge. And you've already esablished that there was a bridge below and that Jose was looking down. Maybe you should have just said anyone in his sights. The other way is just a waste words. keep it simple.
You've alread mentioned bridge three times. Too many. Use a pronoun or something else.
I would break this sentence in two and rid the sentence of the extra pronoun his.

Quote:

Jose twitched uncomfortably, cursing himself inside of his head for not having a cigarette, at this point he thought..

cursing himself inside his head is not needed. Just say cursing himself. And I'd also get rid of at this point he thought.

Quote:

Off in the distance the rumbling of an automobile could be heard over the rivers rushing waters.

This sentence is passive. Engage the reader.

These are just a few things. You need to clean up the prose. The scene needs to be developed better. It seemed rushed and you didn't give the reader the items need to paint a picture in his mind. A lot of telling and not showing. But don't give up. It takes time to develope your skills. I'm still working on my own.

Lost in Some Story

Very descriptive introduction. I could say that I want to know the character more, but it's only four paragraphs, so who knows where you're going next?

A couple of awkward spots I noticed:
chuckling to himself and nervously
Jose twitched uncomfortably
Jose grunted angrily.
Jose carefully took aim
I think this might be one of those times when adverbns only adds to the weight of your sentences and make them wordy. Some people use them, but I try as hard as I can to use as few adverbs that end in "-ly" as I can, and find a stronger verb or adjective instead.

It's not always the case, but I think that in this case, stronger verbs would tighten your story.

Also, is this a short story? A novel? Are you writing it in pieces? Is it already finished?

Sorry to ask so many questions all at once, I'm just curious as to why such a short bit of the story is posted here.

I'd love to find out what happens next.

Lost

__________________
"The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior."
Henry David Thoreau

dantescritic

Thanks