short story - Writers Forum

Butch · 08-21-2007, 05:48 PM

Here is just a short piece of writting from a book i am writting at the moment.
If you could please read it and comment on how you think it is.

Time passed, quickly and they covered a vast amount of ground, so far they had seen nothing out of the ordinary, which was until they came across a body.

“What’s that, over there?” Penny Green asked her voice soft and soothing.

“It looks like a body” replied Jack, walking closer to it.

As he plodded closer, he realised it was indeed a body, a human body, or, what was left of it. The head had been bashed in, by what Jack thought, could have been some kind of metal pole or staff, one arm was missing, with veins and tissue plunging out of the torn wound, blood stains covered, what would appear to be an army uniform, however it was torn badly and the blood stains covering it, made it look nothing like what it once was. One leg had been snapped, the knee bone, had been bent inwards, the leg at a sickly angle. Whatever had done this to this person was sick and deranged and was definitely not human.

Jack got a closer look at the mangled and lifeless body, thankfully the body still had its dog tag hung loosely around its stiff neck, and Jack read it. The dog tag said this body belonged to a Tony Greaves. In places the blood was still wet, signifying that he had died recently.

“Be alert, whatever killed this man, could still be around” said Jack, suddenly extremely alarmed, his heart was racing, but when he looked at his 9mm, grasped firmly in his hand, he knew nothing could touch him.

Fossy · 08-21-2007, 07:16 PM

Okay, I'll go easy on you in view of your age, but let me give you a little advice; if your going to be a writer, it's always a good idea to be able to spell it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

Here is just a short piece of (writting) from a book i am (writting) at the moment.
If you could please read it and comment on how you think it is.

Time passed, quickly and they covered a vast amount of ground, so far they had seen nothing out of the ordinary, which was until they came across a body.

“What’s that, over there?” Penny Green asked her voice soft and soothing.

“It looks like a body” replied Jack, walking closer to it.

As he plodded closer, he realised it was indeed a body, a human body, or, what was left of it. The head had been bashed in, by what Jack thought, could have been some kind of metal pole or staff, one arm was missing, with veins and tissue plunging out of the torn wound, blood stains covered, what would appear to be an army uniform, however it was torn badly and the blood stains covering it, made it look nothing like what it once was. One leg had been snapped, the knee bone, had been bent inwards, the leg at a sickly angle. Whatever had done this to this person was sick and deranged and was definitely not human.

Jack got a closer look at the mangled and lifeless body, thankfully the body still had its dog tag hung loosely around its stiff neck, and Jack read it. The dog tag said this body belonged to a Tony Greaves. In places the blood was still wet, signifying that he had died recently.

“Be alert, whatever killed this man, could still be around” said Jack, suddenly extremely alarmed, his heart was racing, but when he looked at his 9mm, grasped firmly in his hand, he knew nothing could touch him.

This has a lot of grammatical mistakes on closer inspection, plus a few too many adverbs. If you rewrite those sentences, you will have a tighter story. When I edited my book of 100,000 words, I lost 6 pages just by deleting adverbs!

Butch · 08-22-2007, 06:01 AM

Ok, thanks for the advice Fossy.

Fossy · 08-22-2007, 08:47 AM

No probs. I should have added that it sounds like a good idea, what little you posted. I'd like to know what it's about.

Anyway you'll learn heaps on here as I'm doing, so don't lose heart.

RedWine · 08-22-2007, 10:27 AM

I liked it

id be interested in reading more.

One thing that caught my eye was this: “What’s that, over there?” Penny Green asked her voice soft and soothing.

I would have written: Penny turned and spotted a shape out of the corner of her eye. “What’s that, over there?” She asked in her soft yet soothing voice.

I dunno, it's up to you, just an idea to play with

Regards
Doug

Butch · 08-22-2007, 11:03 AM

Thanks. thats a good idea. I like it.

And its actually about aliens. I still have a lot more to do until i finish it.

Anyway thanks again.

snorrie · 08-22-2007, 06:54 PM

A book? You sure have a lot of ambition for a person your age. That's not to say you shouldn't. But from what I've read, you need to focus on the basics. Stick to short stories and then once you've mastered them, tackle something more substantial. Short pieces are a great learning tool. Good luck.