Charlie_Eleanor

I don't know if this is any good, but it was fun to write. Please let me know what you think. Thanks for your time.


Sleeping Beauty
By: Charlie R. Eleanor

Somewhere under the crows feet and tired eyes was the remnant of a beautiful woman. She had been sexual, sensual, and startlingly energetic. The poison had coursed through her veins long ago. The breasts had begun to sag and the once black hair was breaking from the years of bleach. She had fooled everyone for so long that I don’t even think she knew who she was.

That day in the grocery store changed me. I watched as her once soft hands reach out, gave a light squeeze to the roma tomato, and then place it in the plastic bag. Someone pushed by her, bumping a basket into the back of her ankles. I braced myself to see anger on her face. Instead tears welled up in her eyes as she bent down to massage the tender skin. I realized in an instant that I wanted to be the one to rub that dry skin on the back of her ankle. I wanted to tell her I would never let anyone push a shopping cart into her again.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yes,” She smiled up at me. “I always seem to be in the way.”

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“Would you like to see a picture of my kids?” She pulled a small photo album from the excessively large black purse.

“You have kids?”

“Oh yes. I have three, two boys and a girl.” She pushed a picture of three children across the table. They were posing on the beach. Each held a red Popsicle in their hand. I could imagine the sweet sweaty smell of children intermingling with the salty breeze.

“They are very beautiful.” I lied.

“Thank you,” she looked at the picture gingerly. A spilt second of regret flashed across her face before shoving it into her purse. “Thank you for the coffee. It wasn’t your fault that woman pushed her cart into me.”

I smiled at her as she sipped her latte. “So you are married?”

“I, well, yes. I’m married.”

I laughed. “You don’t sound too sure.”

“Well, there have been some hard times between Bryan and I as of late. I’m sure we will get through them though.” She began to play with a napkin on the table. I couldn’t resist and placed my hand over hers. Somewhere beneath the leathery membrane I thought I felt soft skin.

“Would you like to come with me to my apartment?”

I could hear her heart beat from across the table. Her eyes were serious when she looked up at me. “Yes.”

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“What are you scared of?” I asked her.

“I….I don’t know.” She crossed her arms over her bare chest.

“You are very beautiful.”

A tear crested her cheek, and she shook her head.

“How long has it been since Bryan told you how beautiful you were?”

She pushed her face into the hair on my chest and began to sob. I held her tight, imagining what it would have been like to be the first, the only, man to hold her. She cried until she fell asleep.

We never made love that day. I went to the bathroom as she slept and took care of it myself. I thought of a girl I had dated in college. I didn’t want to think of the woman lying in my bed. That was too real for the simple lust pulsing through my body at that moment.

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“Can I see you?” The cell phone was making my ear sweat. I had listened to her talk of her eldest son getting his tonsils removed for the last hour.

“I don’t know.”

“Please? I miss you.”

“I thought, after last time, you wouldn’t want to see me again.” I could hear the dread in her voice.

“I want to see you again.”

“Okay.”

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I learned something about Bryan that night. He was not well endowed. I also learned something about her. She had never been with anyone other than him.

I had never been with a virgin, and I wagered this was the closest I would ever get. I felt awful that I hurt her, but it was also exciting. I imagined she had never been with another man, and thanked God she had c-sections for all those rug rats.

Afterwards she cooked me macaroni and cheese.

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“I can’t do this.”

“Why? I love you.” I couldn’t believe it was ending so fast.

“I have three kids. It isn’t fair to them.”

“Can’t Bryan take care of them?”

The silence that followed was filled with anger.

“They are my children Sean.”

“I just meant…”

“I know. I’m sorry. I snapped.”

“I have to see you again.”

She paused. I imagined her checking her calendar. “It will be the last time.”

“Okay.” I agreed, but in my mind I knew I would be able to convince her.

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She always fell asleep so quickly. She was always so tired. The poison did this to her, wearing out her body prematurely. I longed to heal her, to show her that she had not lost herself yet. I kissed her. She did not wake up. I whispered, “I love you” against the hairs of her neck. She groaned and pushed her face into the pillow.

“Claire.”

“Yes Sean?” She turned over. Clumps of mascara clung to her eyelashes.

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Do you think I could make you happy?” It was my turn to cry.

“Sean, I…In another place, another time, yes.” I stroked the roots of her hair. Why did she dye it? The roots were such a beautiful dark color.

“We don’t have another place or time. All we have is now.” I could see the pain; the years and years of compromise begin to crawl through the wrinkles on her face. “I have money. I will take care of you. I will make life easier.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not? Are you happy? Does this life you are living make you happy?”

“No Sean, but I chose this nightmare.”

There it was. She admitted it. It was a nightmare. I kissed her eye, feeling the lash flicker against my lips. “I can wake you from this nightmare if you will let me.”

She sighed. Her warm breath smelled like fish sticks. “I’m not ready.”

“When will you be?”

“When they are grown. When they are gone.”

“They are killing you.”

“They are my children, Sean! I love them.”

“They are poisoning you. I can see it.”

Her face turned red, and her chin started to quiver. “You are the poison, Sean. I never had these thoughts before you.”

“Yes you did.”

“No.”

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I saw her once after that day. I was in the ER with my friend who had an accident while skiing. She was there with one of her kids, the girl. I don’t know what was wrong with her. She had stopped dying her hair, but it was already dead. For a moment she looked up at me. I held my breath, waiting for the recognition in her eyes. All I saw was the reflection of some nightmare. One that she would never wake up from; my sleeping beauty.

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Italianmadonna

I like this story. I feel like the characters have very strong personalities and solid motivations for what they are doing. The writing is also very clear and clean. Well done. I wish I could offer some constructive criticism but all I can come up with is that I didn't like the ending. I understand what you were trying to do but I didn't feel that it was very realistic that she wouldn't have recognized the man she had an affair with and possibly had a rare moment of contentment with. But that is my only complaint. Otherwise, it is a very strong story.

Charlie_Eleanor

Thanks Italianmadonna. I am glad you enjoyed it. I don't like the ending either, but knew I needed to end it for risk of rambling. I am going to try and think of something better.

Thanks again for your time!

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Johnna

There's not much I read on this site that makes me say "wow", but this did. I'm not sure why, but I just felt the emotion and Claire's helplessness at being trapped by her family. I love the ending. I've been in that situation, seeing someone I used to know and then not speaking to them. I think it was plausible and sad and just right. Masterful work. I applaud you, Charlie.

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Charlie_Eleanor

Wow Johnna. You do me to much kindness. Thank you.

I am so glad the emotions of the characters are real to other people. While they are very understandable to me, I am always afraid others might not understand. Thanks again.

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Fossy

Wow! is all I can say. Couldn't see anything wrong with this at all, and I loved the ending - not mushy - not overly dramatic - just sad and perfect. Beautiful writing. Made me cry. I could call you a prick for doing that, but your a woman, and I won't call someone who writes like that a bitch (No way)

Bloody brilliant!

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Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

Charlie_Eleanor

Thank you fossy, lol. You can call me a prick if you want because nothing could offend me after that wonderful compliment. Thank you so much. I am so glad you ejoyed it!

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Fossy

Yeah I could call you that for making me cry - heehee. But yeah it really was brilliant.

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Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

Azmakna

i like the idea that her Saviour is the very thing that is killing her because he's forcing her to rethink her situation instead of accepting it. you should work more of this in here in scenes without actually saying it. if you lose the lines, perhaps you will automatically find places to layer it in. it's not my type of story, but overall it's pretty well written. more of everything really, is the best advice i could give you on this. if you are going to write a story that relies so heavily on emotion, then you must give the reader time to feel and relate to the characters.

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waiting to be written on,
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waiting to be photocopied.

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Charlie_Eleanor

Thanks so much Az!!!

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smilinghelps

Hey Charlie,

They end up being very intimate very quickly, which is something a woman in her position probably wouldn't allow herself to do. I'd like to see that part developed. Have them continually bumping into one another, falling in love without touching, meeting with their eyes. Make him want to save her without even knowing her and longing to touch her. It will make it more believable.

The verb tense here was off: That day in the grocery store changed me. I watched as her once soft hands reach out, gave a light squeeze to the roma tomato, and then place it in the plastic bag.

And I agree that nightmare is harsh. But she certainly made a choice and has kids to care for. Make it nearly impossible to leave-her husband is powerful and has money, would take the kids away, is from a different country--something that would make her fear getting caught or leaving.

I would also consider making Sean someone her husband knows, someone that her daughter would recognize in the ER, thus lending to the stress of running into him, pretending to be merely acquaintences.

I bet this was fun to write, the possibilties are endless. I love the characters, it reminds me of the movie "Unfaithful" in some ways. Make Claire more sympathetic than Diane Lane's character, why would anyone cheat on Richard Gere?

Looking forward to reading more,
smilinghelps

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"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
E. B. White

BlackWolf

I always love your short stories, Charlie, and this was no exception. The short segments here were a little risky, but you pulled it off.

smilinghelps, at the end of the day, the lady in Unfaithful loved her husband. That's why she chose him over the pretty dead git. I don't think this is at all the same scenario.

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Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases. ~ Richard Brinsley-Sheridan

Buggrit, mellenium hand and shrimp. ~ Foul Ol' Ron

http://www.writersbeat.com

Lost in Some Story

I agree with BlackWolf about the small sections. I've tried it out before unsuccessfully. You, however, managed to pull it off very nicely. I think the trick is showing exactly what needs to be shown and nothing else. Sort of like a short film. I love the way your plot moved forward. It's hard to do, move a short story through an extended period of time, but once again, you pulled it off.

The only thing I would change is the ending. I love that he saw her again in an ER. It sort of represented to me the theme of relational sickness that you kept throughout the story (the brittle and fragile hair, the poison, etc.) I think at the end, there is room for more tension. I felt that the MC got off a little too easy. But that's just my opinion.

I thought it was a very well written piece other than that.

Lost

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"The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior."
Henry David Thoreau

Elysia19

Wow Charlie,

What a great idea...like smilinghelps i'd really like to see their relationship develop more...i think that this could easily be turned into a novel, and i'd almost suggest it, we want more! Good work!

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Charlie_Eleanor

Thanks so much to all!

I am going to go back and see about expanding it a bit, but I don't know that I could turn it into a novel. I have been trying very hard lately to figure out how to write short stories, and I think I really like it.

Thanks again!

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