Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-31-2007, 08:10 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1
Sickle is on a distinguished road
Inspired by Ico - Fulfillment.

You know, the video game?


She had floated at sea for quite some time, after the castle had been destroyed, and after she had been on the brink of being destroyed, herself. Somehow, she had found her body again, and had found her being. The blackness that was her form, and her conscience, slowly began to fade away. The queen of the castle was no more, just as the castle was no more. From here on out, there was no one to endanger her, Yorda. The question was, however, where would she go from the sea?

He, Ico, as well, had been at sea for quite some time. He, however, had the moderate safety of a boat. His horns were cut in half; his humanity was returning, somewhat. At least now he could pass as something of a normal person. Life in the village wouldn't be so hard for him. He did, after all, have Yorda to thank for that. She was the one who had saved him. She risked her own, darkness-laced life to save his. He closed his eyes once more, and soon felt the boat bump against shore.

He walked onto dry land for the first time in what seemed to be weeks, his legs shaking slightly. He was more used to the boat and the sea, now. He smoothed out his wet, matted hair, felt the stubs of what once were his horns, and smiled. Finally. He had found his home land again; he was safe. Looking back, his smile fading, he gazed to the castle he and Yorda were once so close with each other in. He was glad that the queen was gone, but even more was he sad that Yorda was missing. Perhaps forever.

He began to walk along the shore, regaining his land legs, mulling over the events that had barely just occured in his mind. Yorda... she kept coming up. That beautiful specter of a girl; how he missed her! The sea was oddly cheerful, and Ico could just barely see the waves crashing against the broken castle's foundation. The water was all too happy to see it gone, he assumed.

His walk stopped short suddenly, when he caught sight of a figure laying in the sand. The tide was pushing and pulling the figure gently to and fro, though they stayed put for the most part. Ico hurried his pace as best he could, wanting to assess their condition. He stopped a few feet in front of them suddenly, letting out a faint gasp. Could it be...?

She was lying on the ground, her eyes closed as though she were asleep, her angelically pale face honouring the sand with her touch. Her fingers were faintly pink at the tips; she was still alive! She seemed to have a white, pure sort of glow; something no other human girl could have. Her clothing was untarnished and in perfect condition, and her midlength, straight hair clung wetly to her soft cheeks. She was alive. Yorda.

Last edited by Sickle : 07-31-2007 at 08:26 PM.
Sickle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2007, 09:19 PM   #2
Profound Writer
 
mandax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,296
mandax is on a distinguished road
Send a message via AIM to mandax
Quote:
and her conscience, slowly began to fade away.
There shouldn't be a comma there.

Quote:
From here on out, there was no one to endanger her, Yorda.
I'd suggest taking out the "her" and just making it "Yorda". Same goes for "Ico" in the next paragraph.

Quote:
He was more used to the boat and the sea, now.
That's kind of awkward ... maybe, "We had gotten used to the boat and the sea," or something like that.

Quote:
, but even more was he sad that Yorda was missing.
That's kind of awkward, too. Maybe make it, "but was sad that Yorda was missing."

I don't exactly know where you're going with this. This is only an excerpt, right? Because it's incomplete, but this is probably just the beginning. I liked the descriptions, especially in the last paragraph. You word some of it strangely, though, most of which I pointed out. Try not to make so many choppy phrases. It'll help the flow. Otherwise, good job.
mandax is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:44 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers