The Walk (899 words) - Writers Forum

TheTrooper · 07-29-2007, 10:14 AM

My first attempt to a short story. This is based on a true story. It explains the events of the other night when I was walking the Dog.

Quote:

It was 15 past midnight; I had just left the house. Walking the dog, in the complete dark. As I got on the red-way, I realised that tonight could be a different night from any other. I looked ahead to see a few street lights. Flickering away, struggling to hold their colour. I was curious. I tried to listen around for noises, but all I could hear was my iPod. I had made a playlist earlier, contained mainly rock music. Also had some trance.
I passed the park, and the dog stopped. She looked around as if she had heard something, I told her to carry on as she wasn't the only suspicious one out tonight. Infact, we weren't the only ones out tonight. As soon as I could turn around, Killers by Iron Maiden came on. This was a live recording and the first thing I heard was Bruce Dickinson saying that this song is about a gentleman that walks the street at night looking for people to kill with an axe.

I was thinking that it was probably just a coincidence, then I heard something. I heard a crunching noise. At first I thought that it was me, just another snail or slug. Stuck, Stuck under my foot. It was too dark to see what was under my foot, so I had no choice but to make a dash for it. I ran and ran until I finally saw the comforting sight of a bunch of 'hoodrats' standing on the street corner. I checked my Rolex. I'd only been out for 15 minutes.

I decided if it would be best to go home, or to continue on my normal route. I decided that I should carry on with the normal route as by going home I'd feel like I was quitting. Roughly 5 minutes later, I had stopped again, I'd stopped for the reason that the dog needed to have a piss. I wanted to keep going, but I couldn't just drag her away.

I tried to think of things to take my mind off of the noises, but all I could think was that this could be the last walk. Come to think of it, I remember saying to myself what have I accomplished in these 17 years I've been around? I thought about all the personal achievements, but nothing of any importance sprung to mind. I was thinking of what my departure would result in. It made me think.

Before leaving the house, I had had a couple of cans of Carling. I was starting to think that this made have been a bad idea. I tried to keep focused on the walk in which I had embarked on. This walk was to be the decider as to whether I have let my mind take advantage of me, or whether I've heard something, and that I won't be returning to the house.

I decided to get somewhere where the light was adequate, and any attacks would be seen by someone. I looked around, saw no one so I thought that walking along the dual-carriage way would be better. I was close to the road, and the pavement that surrounded. I was in the final 100 meters, when suddenly out of nowhere a cyclist sped past me. I was going to shout something to him, but I just couldn't think of anything to say.

Calling the cyclist a cunt would probably not have been the best idea. He could have easily turned around and finished me there and then. I would however, had bouted’ with him until the game is over. Unfortunately, in my games I usually have a wall hack of some sort in use. What did I have? What did I have to take him down with? I had my keys, my camera, my wrist-watch and a dog that isn't even taller than my knee. I didn't favour my chances.

I turned the final corner, to see a clear path and the odd car passing down the road every now and again. I was relieved, but I was still anxious. Just because I'm in the light, doesn't mean to say that I'm safe. Just think the victims of Nine Eleven and the Virginia Tech massacre. Broad daylight. I thought about running home as fast as I can. I just couldn't do it. I felt like I had enough, wanted to die. I was getting annoyed, annoyed at the fact that I could have turned around a while back and gone home.

I was relieved; the street lights stared back at me as I stare aimlessly into them. My dog moves on, and I wasn’t far behind. I see the street signs and reflections of the dim lights from a distant car. I turned to look at the car, and the next thing I know it just sped past me at a daring speed. I continue walking for a bit longer.

I saw more lights coming behind me and at one point I realised that this wasn’t a car. I thought that it was probably just a Royal Mail lorry returning to the local depot which wasn’t too far from where I was. I didn’t turn around, and carried on walking. However, I was soon to discover that this wasn’t the case. But what came was a shock to me.

To be continued.

All feedback is good feedback.

The Hack · 07-29-2007, 10:52 AM

There are several sentence fragments in this piece. It made it a little difficult to read:

It was 15 past midnight; I had just left the house [this sentence is fine - just a matter of style, I like "quarter past" better than "15 past". And if you use 15 past, I would type out fifteen.

Walking the dog, in the complete dark [fragment].

She looked around as if she had heard something, I told her to carry on as she wasn't the only suspicious one out tonight [this is really two sentences. you should either use a semicolon or a period instead of a comma].

I'll provide more feedback later, but this is the first thing I noticed.

Sigg · 07-30-2007, 04:56 AM

"As I got on the red-way"

What is a red-way?

"I had made a playlist earlier, contained mainly rock music. Also had some trance."
This is a tangent that just distracts from the story and disrupts the flow.

"only suspicious one out tonight. Infact, we weren't the only ones out tonight."
This feels redundant and takes away from the effect

"Killers by Iron Maiden came on"
haha, I like that part

"then I heard something. I heard a crunching noise."
This feels a little awkward, try consolidating this into something like, "then I heard a crunching noise." or "then I heard something; some kind of a crunching noise"

"I checked my Rolex"
Rolex huh? fancy guy

"I decided if it would be best to go home, or to continue on my normal route."
'decided' implies that a decision has already been made, try something like "I had to decide if..."

"I had stopped again, I'd stopped for the reason that the dog needed to have a piss."
again this feels awkward, try putting that together with something like, "I had to stop again, this time because the dog needed to piss"

"that this made have been a bad "
made = may

"walk in which I had embarked on"
end the sentence at 'walk' and take the rest out

Maybe it's just style, but I feel like you over-used the word "decide" or some variation of it

"along the dual-carriage way "
what is a dual-carriage way?

"in my games I usually have a wall hack of some sort in use."
that's funny because i know what you're talking about, although i don't know if a lot of the other readers would

" I felt like I had enough, wanted to die."
this seems like a pretty big leap, i know this is supposed to be a true story, but as a reader i don't see how the main character jumped to this feeling from what he's been feeling.

"stared back at me as I stare aimlessly into them"
overuse of the word stare

"a Royal Mail lorry "
is that a mail truck or something?

one last edit, please proof read it with tense in mind, your tenses are all over the place.

I liked the story though, it needs to be finished and cleaned up, but you did a good job of creating that tension of being scared out at night by yourself, i think we've all been there.

TheTrooper · 07-30-2007, 09:14 AM

Damn, I kinda forgot that most of you guys are American. A redway is like a path which funnily enough is Red.

Also, Royal Mail is the leading mail distribution service in England.