Firebird

Rob

You can substitute unable for not able. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you're working to a limited word count, an extra word can make a difference.

A drop is solitary, singular, so you don't need it.

You can get away without saying 'towards earth' when it falls, as the reader's mind will probably fill that in, and the context will aid that.

You don't need 'that lay' in front of below.

Glass-like, consider glassy.

You can drop 'a few' from moments.

All tiny tweaks in their own right, but quite a saving.

Cheers,
Rob

Firebird

Thank you Rob. I agree with all your points. It reads much more fluidly now, plus it brings it down to 48 words.

Thanks, your edit was very helpful.

Firebird

Sigg

I get the picture of the calm lake before a rain, it's nice, but I also think it's a little trite. Not to say that it's bad, but it feels like you're trying to show an insight that has already been described millions of times. That is, unless I missed the point of this entirely, which is likely.

Was the point to make it as short as possible? Is that why you made edits to make it shorter?

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Firebird

Sigg, maybe you are right it is a little trite. However, this piece wasn't about the calm before the downpour. It was meant to be an image for how the person who is brave enough to break the mould or do something a little different from the rest can sometimes have a great impact by what they do. However, those who follow a moment later never quite have that same impact.

I think shorter the better in these types of pieces.

Thanks for you coment and reading.

Firebird

The Hack

After having that explained, I actually feel a little dim for not picking up on it when I read the piece. I liked the writing. Is this an exercise in concise writing, or do you just enjoy the micro-micro-story?

Firebird

Hack, to be honest, I am not sure how well it actually works, if readers are not picking up on the idea behind it. In answer to your question, yes it is an execise in concise writing, but I also love writing micro fiction. If it works, this one probably doesn't, it can say so much.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

I shall look out for your work.

Firebird

Fossy

Well I think it's beautiful. You painted a picture which I can clearly see. Well done.

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Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

Sigg

"person who is brave enough to break the mould "
i hadn't really thought of that while I was reading it. i now see the significance of describing the first drop as "daring". maybe i just didn't give it enough thought because upon reading it again it seems a lot better, like all the words really are significant in their own way.

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John2

Great image about how the followers ripples are never as perfect as those of the first drop, and never make quite the same impact.

Cheers,

John

Firebird

Thanks all for reading and commenting.

Firebird

snorrie

You said that the drop was unable to hold back any long so the bursting free gives the impression that it's trying to escape and not hold back.

Quote:

On hitting the lake’s glassy surface, its perfect ripples carried far beyond its point of impact.

If I'm not mistaken you have a dangling participle here. Anyone? On hitting implies that the the ripples and not the drop hit the glassy surface. Buller?

Firebird

Firebird

Snorrie, thanks for your input. I've made some corrections. Now it has become even shorter.

Thanks for your help!

Firebird

Joelle

I don't know why no one else did, but I immediately got the whole individual-breaking-the-mold symbolism in it. Especially from the last sentence ("A moment later, thousands followed.") (Change what you will, but don't change that! It's my favorite part of the piece) Well done.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

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