Joelle

^ as far as the dialogue goes, I figured it out. It just confused me for a moment. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

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joelle-writing

Voodoo

ok.
dungeon daddio.

when I wrote this, I wanted it to feel like that story, Ever Feel Like Dying, Love?

Joelle

I definitely got that vibe.

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When he was with her, the music never stopped.

* * * * *

joelle-writing

Voodoo

Good, I succeeded then.
Ah. I love that story.

queen trinity

Eh, that's ok. I restarted like you said and I'm in the fiction forum now with a proper title and signiciantly shorter posts. Well, I just have one post for right now.

I feel proud.

To each his own, they say. Can't argue if you don't like fantasy.

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Cop: "You ran out of Borders screaming at the top of your lungs. What happened?"

Me: (Sheepish smile) "They released Kushiel's Justice a week early. I got the first copy."

Cop. "o_O"

Voodoo

Plenty of people here do, though.
It's a big genre.
You'll get reviews, love.

Chris Miller

I found it descript but not hardcore. The ending for me was pretty predictable. A misanthropic scene without character development. She’s cold. He’s weak. So I felt no sympathy for her and her vaguely hinted back story and none for him either. The violence is therefore gratuitous. It serves no purpose I could find. Her repeat business (the mainstay of such professionals) must be non existent. It must be hard for her to find new clients. I mean, word of mouth must kill her. So the plot’s pretty thin. I mean, if this were the scene in which she finally snapped, then it could work. You’d have to first raise her to a protagonist I care about, and maybe her client/victim to an antagonist I’d enjoy seeing suffer. Maybe once you find your characters’ motivations and stories, you’ll find your ending.

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the fairwriting blogs


"Almost brilliant."
My most recent peer review!

Truth-Teller

Is this what you consider horror?

Cause if it is, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

Try again; game over. You are horrible. Stick with eroticism. Wait--no. You give them a bad name. Stick with Eli Roth and the likes: torture-porn.

Truth-Teller

You cannot tell a coherent story.

I have yet to see a coherent story from you.

Voodoo

I have yet to see a truth from you.

Chris, thanks. Good not to see another review in situ, yours was most helpful.

Shinn

Hey GV.

It was good, and something I wouldn't normally read, but I did, because it was so interesting. I think you've done well with it.

Besh

Going to have to agree with Chris. You give us snippets of her past and her dreams, and a sentence on her abuse. As it is now, all it really seems to be is, like Chris mentioned, gratuitous. I'd like to see more of the woman 'behind the mask'. Mostly, she's presented as a cold figure. She likes doing what she's doing, which makes me see her as a bad person. For the reader to feel anything for her, maybe to even think 'yes!' (which is what I would want to be going for) when she lets him have it, you need to build up some sort of character. Spend some time with her first. Until that happens, there's really no weight to the story.

The sentence fragments seemed alright at some points, but I do find them slightly jarring.

If you work on building the characters, this could be far better.

Edit: throughout writing the above, I couldn't help but think of Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Burgess is able to build up a relationship between Alex and the reader, so we feel sympathy for him during the novel, even though he does some terrible things.

Voodoo

Thank you, ben, for responding.
Characters and plot are troublesome for me, as i tend to stick with poetry.
amateurish poetry, at that.
I'll refine for the future.

Edgewise

I honestly hate to fluff, but this was golden. You are some sort of prodigy renaissance writer Voodoo.

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How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"

Voodoo

Wow.
I have never, ever been called that.
Even if it's not merited, thank you, Edge.