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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
07-18-2007, 04:55 PM
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#16
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Always from the white men, grabbing their desire by its head and shoving it on the ground. Still, she enjoyed the carnality of the act, the violent atrition of being the mistress by the minute.
She'd always allowed the man to come, though, disobeying the adage 'Money doesn't grow on trees, it spouts from sweaty people and desperation,' gave her a pleasure unlike any raging gasm.
A singularity, this action, this ending.
The curtains closed because she drew them together. She was the woman, after all.
Power was a better lover than any restrained man. 'It isn't even vengeance.'
"It's affection, a gift. Sugar daddy."
Drama loves a denouement.
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please tell me this is one of your sick jokes... please... lose it. kill it. toss it in the trash can!!!!!!!! never ever sum up!!!! NEVER. NEVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!
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don't count me a blank page
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07-18-2007, 05:00 PM
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#17
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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ah, az.
by that, shall I lose the final sentence, or sentences from -
Power was a better-
or from - Always from the white men
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07-18-2007, 05:01 PM
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#18
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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remove everything i have posted above
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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07-18-2007, 05:02 PM
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#19
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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I could only do that if I kept
The curtains closed because she drew them together. She was the woman, after all.
___
Still, I'm hesitant.
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07-18-2007, 05:03 PM
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#20
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 673
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It could be improved I agree, it sort of reminds me of the typical ending;
" And I woke up. "
But it's a tweaked version.
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07-18-2007, 05:04 PM
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#21
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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'a performance wasted' two meanings 
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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07-18-2007, 05:06 PM
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#22
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Okay, Az, "slightly revised."
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07-18-2007, 05:15 PM
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#23
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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you have the curtains closing (as on stage) end of performance. perfect. then when she says 'performance wasted' it has two meanings. 1: there was no audience and she would have liked for others to see him suffer. 2: he was killed (wasted) leave it there. lose the rest. perfect! just tweak the the rest and be proud of an excellent piece of writing. what's the next story?
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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07-18-2007, 05:17 PM
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#24
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Hell if I know, Az.
'fraid I put everything into this, now I'm dry.
Hmm. The future's kind to me.
I'll revise it, then.
Smile.
- do you think the picture influenced anyone's opinion of the ending?
Last edited by Voodoo : 07-18-2007 at 05:19 PM.
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07-18-2007, 05:20 PM
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#25
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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wear this story with pride. move on to the next. take a look at this story in 2 weeks time... don't look at it again til then
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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07-18-2007, 05:24 PM
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#26
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
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I was going to say that...
Don't feel this thing is complete.
idk. in two weeks, hopefully, I'll have improved.
thanks again, az. you're great.
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07-18-2007, 05:27 PM
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#27
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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don't add to this snapshot, just sharpen the image here and there. a snapshot is a sequence of moments, and moments overlap. the reader should feel his/her way in and think hi/her way out.
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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07-18-2007, 06:25 PM
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#28
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Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Atlanta
Gender: Female
Posts: 44
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Quote:
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[I need some help with the ending, I'm out of it... Though, I am feeling like a writer again.
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The ending is PERFECT! Don't change it! It's not often that I read the end of something and develop a mild case of turrets syndrom with my brain stuck on "Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn." -calls to her boyfriend- "BABY COME READ THIS!" Nothing phases him. He walked out of the room with his eyes bulging. I clap for you!
"Now. Raise that leg."
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Bare assed and random, a man lay prone in chains, the scarlet sheets hugging his skin but not covering it. A whip cracked.
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I'm with the other reader. What's so random?
Tassles hung from a black rod, shining and focused. She could imagine and savor timeless the impression such a toy could leave on chalk skin.
Quote:
"Dungeon music for the sugar daddy."
"Sounds like a cheap porno."
"You are a cheap porno, you fuck."
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I did get confused here. Who's talking where?
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"Daddio." She smacked the club into his face with brutal force, knocking his head sideways and staining the pillows a twin shade of red. His teeth were hanging on his lip.
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He deserved it.
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The curtains closed because she drew them together. She was the woman, after all.
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Could you not just say she drew the curtains?
Yay! That was harsh. I like! Maybe I am sadistic. Lol.
__________________
Cop: "You ran out of Borders screaming at the top of your lungs. What happened?"
Me: (Sheepish smile) "They released Kushiel's Justice a week early. I got the first copy."
Cop. "o_O"
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07-18-2007, 06:29 PM
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#29
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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random- he was no one special, just some customer, love.
"she was the woman, after all." I feel it singes the seal on the ending, though taking it out wouldn't be a hurdle..
"Dungeon music for the sugar daddy." she
"Sounds like a cheap porno." he
"You are a cheap porno, you fuck." she
I'm worried that is getting people...
[I am truly sorry I didn't look at your work, but it's not my place, I don't have the attention span and I don't read much long prose......]
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07-18-2007, 06:38 PM
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#30
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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i had no problem understanding that at all! leave it. now go away and start another story!
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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