Stalker - Writers Forum

Storm Eagle · 07-17-2007, 03:16 PM

This is not the stalker story I am writing, but a whole different thing. It's incredibly interesting to me how I did this story. It is written in first-person, but it isn't me. Just some random guy.

DISCLAIMER: SEXUAL THINGS THAT MAY OFFEND

The day started like every other. I woke when my brother threw his pillow in my face and turned the light on. I crawled out of the bed. Thank god it's friday, I thought. I got out of my bed, with nothing but my boxers on, and walked slowly into the bathroom to take a shower. Normally, I would have just let the water run while I would masturbate, but instead took a shower to get myself clean. The warm water felt good on my body that hadn't been under it in a good three months. I took my shower, got fully dressed, and walked back into my bedroom to put away my boxers. My dirty-blonde hair waved in my face, as it had begin to grow very long in the last few weeks.

I walked out of the house without any jacket on that very cold day. My cul-de-sac had recieved rain in the night, and made the morning have a larger bite to it when you walked out of a nice warm house. All I wore was my sweatshirt I wore everyday, with no jacket. It doesn't matter, I thought, I will be at school in a few minutes. I walked down the hill leading into the cul-de-sac, and then turned right onto the street where my friend lived. We both walked laps around the school's inside hallway before school began. I went to my first period just as the bell rang, and I sat at the nearest desk. I took out my book during our reading period, though I didn't do much reading. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind plenty of times, but I kept thinking about her. She had sleek, black hair that touched her back, and her smooth skin just invited my touch.

I was shook out of my fantasy by the bell rigning for 2nd period. I had done completely nothing for the entire 1st period. Nothing much happened until 5ht period that day.

During 5th period, SHE was in my class. I looked forward to it the entire day., for I could just stare at her for a full 50 minutes. I could stare at her perfect features on her face, her cut button nose, her legs that were as smooth as her arms. Though this day was different. A substitute teacher sat at the teachers' desk, reading. So, instead of the teacher nagging me, I could stare at her as long as I could. I staerd at her a fullfive minutes before it happened. She kept looking at me, moving, and I moved with her. After many times of moving, she gave in and began to cry. The substitute moved as the teacher came back from whatever she was doing, and looked at her. She noticed my one and only true love crying her eyes out. I was immediately shaken out of my fantasy world of me and her skipping through the daisies, and was scared that I did that to her. I felt nearly ashamed at the fact that I could do something so mean at someone I truly loved. The teacher told her to go down to the office, and she was led there by her friends, the bitches. Every signle one of them hated me so much they could tear me limb from limb that very second. I just shot them a sexually satisfied look, and they immediately began walking faster. The bell for 6th period rang, and I walked there. I told my best friend what I did, and my teeth kept chattering I was so scared. I had no idea how the prinicpal would react to a crying girl being sexually harassed by a boy in her office. My only wish was that she didn't hate me forever because of this.

Two years later, I still remember that day as clear as if it were yesterday. On the last day before I would leave to go to northern Idaho, I gave her my yearbook. I was taken aback by the sheer joy that overflowed me as I read what she wrote. I memorized it to the point I could tell you on the spot what it said.

Kevin-
Interesting years here at Kamiakin. I hope we can start fresh at High School.

My heart did flips of love and happiness for the rest of that day. My mind kept thinking this one thing: I HAVE A CHANCE! SHE HAS FINALLY FORGIVEN ME!!![-o<

So what do you all think?

Storm Eagle · 07-18-2007, 07:11 PM

huh. no reviews.... maybe I'm that good or people just hate me! Who knows!!jk. It would be nice for some reviews though. ^-^

huitzil · 07-18-2007, 07:32 PM

Hey this was just posted, chill and wait for a few people to read it.

"The day started like every other. "
This is a really common way of starting, maybe consider something else.

"I woke when my brother threw his pillow in my face and turned the light on. I crawled out of the bed. Thank god it's friday, I thought."
The "i thought" is implied.
"I took my shower, got fully dressed, and walked back into my bedroom to put away my boxers."
The fully isn't really necessary.

"I was shook out of my fantasy by the bell rigning for 2nd period."
Try to avoid passive voice, maybe try something like: The 2nd period bell shook me from my fantasy.

"I had done completely nothing for the entire 1st period. Nothing much happened until 5ht period that day."
These sentences kind of make the story drag.

"My only wish was that she didn't hate me forever because of this."
I'm a little unclear about what happened, why did she start crying? Because of the staring? Also consider, not ending with an emoticon.

Overall, not really bad writing. There is a lot that can be cleaned up and streamlined. In terms of the story I kind of lost interest. It's nice to see a short story that doesn't try to give some dramatic twist at the end, but it just felt like a diary entree, which could work if that's what you were going for. The plot itself didn't really move, and the kid wasn't so much a stalker as a bit creepy. Good luck, I hope me criticism was reasonable.

Colwyn Quaffer · 07-20-2007, 07:20 AM

Maybe it lies with my lack of experience, maybe it's because I'm just not subtle enough to appreciate a good story with out a real conclusion. I don't know. However, I do like stories that have an ending that closes. I don't think it really finished off so well.

On the whole I liked it. There were some stumbling blocks but my writing is just the same so I can't really say anything.

Be like me and keep practising. (Saying that, I've yet to post a story here... Doh!)