Children's book I wrote a few years back - Writers Forum

BWE · 07-17-2007, 10:13 AM

Thanks for all the reviews.

kaytea111 · 07-17-2007, 01:59 PM

wow, i really like that story. I think its really creative and amazing.

Kewlb · 07-17-2007, 04:13 PM

I think that story has a lot of potential; however I think it requires a little rewording and rephrasing to be a children's book. You do want the child to fully understand the story.

BWE · 07-17-2007, 04:26 PM

It's told by a storyteller sitting down and telling the story. The illustrations are mostly quite dark with bright, fiery colors for Mother Earth and the hamans and cold electric whites and pale yellows for Father Sky and the oomans ending with an eden-like scene at the mouth of the cave. The illustrations are acrylic on paper with visible brush strokes to lend a sence of roughness. The idea is to make a setting where the audience might feel like they are at a campfire in the wilderness.

The idea is for it to be a read aloud on big pages so the storyteller (or parent or teacher) has a voice. Hense the passive voice.

My intention is to introduce kids, in myth form a la' Joseph Cambell, to a vision of beauty applicable to the world they actually discover rather than the all too safe and plastic world of the 10:00 news where where fear outweighs passion and t-shirts proudly pass judgements on others for the sin of being human.

I believe our myths have largely lost meaning for our world. Rationalism and authoritarianism are fighting a battle to decide whether we exert control of thought or emotion, and passion and love, the poetic sources of valor, mercy, honesty, justice and the counterweight for the beam on which we assess risk has been lost in the disnified world of the little mermaid rather than the world where she lays on the rock weeping for ever as she gave all for a kind of love that directs our actions from a source higher or perhaps more basic than either reason or logic.

Myth conveys the human condition in the most direct and powerful way. It gives us strength to find courage and courage to live in hope. Aargh. Sorry for the forty extra spoonfuls of sugar.

Anyway, does it look like I accomplished my goal? Is it publishable? How much work does it need?

Thank you.

BWE · 07-17-2007, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Kewlb wrote:
I think that story has a lot of potential; however I think it requires a little rewording and rephrasing to be a children's book. You do want the child to fully understand the story.

Hi Kewlb,
Thanks. I appreciate the compliment and the comment. I missed your post as I was posting my last one.

If you have a chance,
What kind of wording or phrasing changes do you think would be helpful?

and

What parts struck you as hard for children to understand?

Once again, Thanks.

BWE

BWE · 07-18-2007, 09:31 PM

I don't want to bump this thread again if it needs to die a natural death but I'm curious, is there any potential?

Does it strike any chords at all or is it just boring?

Also, is this post considered sort of rude at this forum?

JoannaMac · 07-19-2007, 03:19 AM

I don't know what constitutes a good children's book. Sometimes I think anyone can produce one because the writing doesn't have to be particularly sophisticated or original. I don't know what publishers are looking for, but FWIW, I think your story idea is a good one. What's the harm in cleaning it up and shopping it around? What have you got to lose?

The simplistic nature of the story, where Good and evil are highly polarized would indicate that it is aimed at quite young children. The language you've used is a little too complicated I think. Kids won't understand words like ritual, diversion, and intrigue.

I love that the Hamans got turned into dolphins, otherwise the story's a bit grim.

I would write a bit more about the two who the survive the in the end. Letting the audience connect with them more personally will make them also care more about the outcome of the story.

BTW, I thinks it's fine to bump the thread if you want to. I don't think people mind as long as you're not aggressive.

BWE · 07-19-2007, 05:30 PM

Thanks for your comments Joannamac. I didn't see good and evil as polarized. I saw it as shades of gray on both sides. Sort of a frank look at who we are as a species. That is what the story is supposed to be telling. That we are clever and cunning and cruel but also compassionate, courageous and equipped with a sense of awe and beauty. The relationships are complicated but accepting them and recognizing them isn't.

I think I meant it to be a little disturbing to adults. I've told it to children and they don't seem to be disturbed by it.

JoannaMac · 07-20-2007, 03:50 AM

Well the Hamans are sweet and peaceful and the Oomans are cunning and violent. Isn't that polarized? The story ends with a marrying of the two.

BWE · 07-20-2007, 03:59 AM

Wow. Talk about blind. I never assigned value to either! I honestly never saw either as good or bad, just a narrower scope.

I wrote it right straight in there and I didn't even notice. Hmm. It's hard to make them more complex given the scope of the story but I'll do that. I always thought of the Hamans as sort of ripping off little bunny heads and eating the bunny but just not feeling much problem with it. That's not what I wrote is it?

Haha.

I also saw the oomans as being able to make bridges and care for their elderly better. Woo betsy.

Thanks very much for pointing out what was obvious but I missed.

Very helpful. I'll edit the story over the weekend.