Reeling & Raging - Writers Forum

Triquediqual · 07-09-2007, 06:00 PM

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Disclaimer: This story contains profane language, and disturbing imagery.

Reeling & Raging

Seldom did the Savage family remain in slumber beyond noon, although today was that one exception. Tumbling down the stairs, Danny raced into the kitchen to get breakfast. Una son followed like a sore thumb and expected Danny to make the tea for her, " Please Danny, please, please, please...... ", this continued for an age until Danny finally gave in. You could hear from the landing Jane was stepping across due to the slithering nature of her slippers. The kitchen looked upsidedown due to the frantic 45th Birthday party of Dad Bill. Wallpaper embraced Jam and sweets while the worktop nearly hung off the edge. The Savage family weren't well off and lived in a cheap two storey and the interior looked worse than the exterior. The front garden was a blanket of faeces because the next door neighbour flew the faeces from her own dog in the garden. Inside, Bill remained, seemingly knotted to the bedpost, or more likely willingly hung to them. Jane was furious at his laziness and roared up the staircase, " Bill, you better get the fuck down here now or I'll fucking kill'ya", the situation was worsened by the lack of response from Bill. Bill was unemployed for the past 5 years and claimed benefits and refuses to find a job. Meanwhile, Danny strolled casually into the lounge and plonked himself on the sofa, controller in hand watching the TV. Jane could see the pounds piling on him also as he seemed to be the younger version of his father. To her distress, Jane grabs her keys from the Hall table, picks up her coat, and storms out leaving the clatter of the door behind her. Situations remained detrimental for the family with constant rows and arguments over the littlest of things, and the unemployment from Bill seemed to be the main contributing factor. It took Bill a further two hours to awaken, weighing 16 stone and a stubble covered visage, like a sloth, he clambered out of his haven and down the stairs. He too, like his son strolls into the loungs with an emanating bang as his weight falls onto the armchair.

That night, Jane returns from her part-time occupation as a cleaner for a local department store. She earned $74.50 and placed it in the family tin, she made the effort to visit Bill in the lounge to inform him of the influx of money they currently have. Bill sarcastically comments, "Where d'ya steal that from bitch?", ignorant of the question, and staring a hole through him, she walks upstairs for a visit to the lavatory. Meanwhile, Bill recieves the energy to actually stand up and walks enthusiastically into the kitchen. He too stares a hole, this time at the family tin. He wrenches the cash, forces it into the nearest pocket and heads for the door. With a limp, he sneaks out the door, exclaiming "I'm off for a walk Jane, I'll be back soon don't worry." Unbeknownst to her, Bill travelled via his 80's style car to the McKenna's pub. Dong, the clock read 11p.m and Jane was wondering where the hell Bill went. In the meantime, she ordered Una and Danny to bed, and luckily got no argument from them this time. Hands in her pockets, it was a cold night for the Savage family, unfortunately they had a heavy persistant draft sliding it's way under the bashed front door. "It was time.", Jane thought as she briskly returned to the hall and acquired the house phone, placing it beside her mandible and ringing Bill. After three attempts she finally got through listening to a speeding car it seemed. " Bill, where the fuck have you gotten to, you said you went for a fucking walk and you took the cuntin' car?", Jane roared; waking Una up. Bill didn't reply, although Jane heard a crashing sound and got cut off. Worried she tried to ring back. Jane got no reply. She quickly rang the Police for assistance and waiting for them to arrive at the house. Jane feared that Bill was in a car accident, horrified; she broke into a fit of tears, rolling down her cheeks falling gently to the floor. She anxiously walked up and down for seven minuted when she finally heard a knock on the door. It was heaven for her to hear the knock but hell at the actual visitor. It was Bill, masked in a drunken state, in a state he enjoys. Those tears quickly evaporated by the heat generated by her instantaneous anger. In a moment of pure anger, " I phoned the fucking Police thinking you were dead!? ", being his usual self, Bill responded saying " Me........dead.....I threw the fucking mobile out'da wind'a because I could not stand your feckin voice no longer!!!". Another knock vibrated the door at that instance. Jane forced her way around Bill and opened the door, it was the police.

After a long night arguing and sleeping in separate bedrooms, Bill and Jane decided to meet in the kitchen that morning. The kids remained in bed due to the summer recess. Bill was surpirsingly sober after his binge the night before while Jane spoke with an affectionate respect. Bill admitted that he had been wrong in the relationship and admitted laziness. Jane replied in a somber tone, " Things have to change around here Bill ya know. We just can't go on like this. ", he accepted this and promised to her that things would undoubtedly change for the Savage family, " Jane, I want to change as well, I'm going to.....try and get a job, but I can't promise anything". They were sipping tea during this conversation and this alone was a good sign of things to come. Their talk was briefly interupted by the kids who left as quick as they entered nearly sensing something good remained in the air. The tension lifted from the house and expelled out the chimney although not contributing to global warming! Bill at this point agreed to stop drinking indefinitely and appealed to his wife that he indeed will attempt to get an occupation, thus contributing to the family pot. Thus life improved to a vast extent for the family and they agreed to attend the festival this coming Saturday at noon. It was Thursday afternoon and already Bill embarked on a journey, one he had never gone on before which was to find a job. This excited Jane who remained at home playing the housewife. Life remained enjoyable for the Savage family, for the next two days, there was no arguments or disputes and the kids Una and Danny were behaving at their best. Bill struggled to get home as his car nearly brokedown, luckily for him, it only broke down at the driveway. Apart from this slip up, he was going to get it repaired by a local friends for a knock-off price which pleased Jane.

The house on Saturday erupted in delight at 10a.m, one of the earliest times the family have ever got up. It was a real shock to all their systems. Jane was in a wonderful mood, clambering the pots and pans and decided to cook a fry for everyone. Bill responded, "It's at times like this when you really appreciate your family." Everyone gathered around the kitchen table as Jane dished out the sausages, and egg among others. There was a clanging sound as forks and spoons hit the plates as no music played in the background. The family was ecstatic about the festival going on in town as they began preparing to depart. The were forced to stroll down because the car hadn't been repaired yet so Bill decided to stay behind and get it repaired himself, then go down to the festival, car in tow. Jane didn't trust him at this point and advised that Una remain to make certain he doesn't sip a drop of ethanol. Meanwhile, Danny and Jane walked down to the festival ahead of them. Heavy showers looked to persist after six minutes walking down and Jane realised that she forgot her purse! Unfortunately for Danny, they had to rush back and retrieve it. At last they arrived at home and was annoyed to see he hadn't started work yet on his car. Anyhow, they walked in. They heard loud rock music echoing from upstairs and she decided to investigate. She slowly walked upstairs with a concerned but enthusiastic look on her face. Jane clasped the door handle of her room, tilted it remarkably silently but dashingly quickly opened it. The look of enthusiasm shifted into a dark state of upset, quickly followed by utmost power. Bill lay naked covering Una, they both remained on the bed. At the moment of opening the door, she witnessed him violently sexually assaulting Una. Blood poured from the quilt, dripping onto the hardwood floor meandering its way towards Jane. Una lay there in a lifeless form similar to a doll. Enraged with shock, Jane removed him from their daughter. She attacked him, both verbally and physically, but he defended himself and threw her to one side. Bill clothed himself with a long jacket and escaped downstairs. Now realising what occurred, Danny quickly rang the police and tried to fend him off but Bill was overpowering and was left unscathed. Like lightning, he struck once but hopefully not again. A policeman was in the vicinity due to the harshness of the locality and was informed of him. He was kept down until the squad car came and formally arrested and took him away. Meanwhile Danny ran upstairs, in shock to find his mother consoling the sexually abused Una.

That evening a doctor arrived at Janes call to physically assess Una. The doctor was very distressed learning the true nature of what jus occurred several hours previous to it. Jane walked downstairs and spoke with tears to Danny. He was filled with direst hatred for his father and can’t understand why he would do any sort of actions like that. After the physical assessment, the doctor recommends that Una attend the hospital for further examinations and healing. Jane accepts and at this point the phone rang. She picked it up and it was the police. They informed Jane that Bill will be kept in custody prior to a sentencing over the coming days. Jane replied, “That day just couldn’t come sooner, thank you”, then gently placed the phone onto the stand, turned to the doctor and also thanked him for his kind assistance. The night remained lonely for Jane, she couldn’t sleep in that bed again and wherever she slept, she was enraptured in nightmares and deprived sleep. Following her inability to attend a late slumber, she emerged from the sofa from which she slept and entered the kitchen with heavy eyes. The sudden glare of the light, squinted her eyes for a moment, opening to see her one son Danny. Like two ends of a magnet they attracted to each other and induced a memorable hug, a perfect fit with appropriate meanings. They remained like this for two entire minutes. Each others tears a stain on their shoulders, tears of shock and tears of weakness. Eventually this magnetic like pull smoothly separated leaving to bodies sorrowfully staring into each others eyes. They did not have to say anything, their eyes told the story. Jane left the kitchen, as the night slowly moved on.

The Savage family, the broken jigsaw or the shattered bird had to re-arrange the pieces and feathers to become whole and meaningful again. It took six months for this transition to successfully take place as Bill was actually sentenced 5 weeks before this. During the trial, Jane and Danny made their presences felt in the audience but it was the judge who had the over-ruling decisions here. Judge Johnathan McKinley found the defendant guilty and sentenced him to thirteen years imprisonment. Encaptured by those words, Jane and Danny arose and gracefully left the auditorium with dignity and respect. Bill did not look remorseful during the trial and left with a sick smile emerging on his face as he left for the jail cells. Jane and Danny agreed it was time to move on and it was time to help Una as much as they could. This occurrence has strengthened the remaining family as they helped each other towards living a better life for no only Una, both Jane and Danny. Danny was beginning to sit the high-school final examinations, Jane got a new job as a leading secretary and Una returned to school and has made many new reliable friends there. Life has moved on for the Savage family for the better and may it continue that way please God.

************************************************** ******

This was my first ever written piece and hope to improve at writing greatly after this piece. I expect harsh criticisms here but I want them so I can improve.

Olly Buckle · 07-09-2007, 07:43 PM

You need to re read and edit, try reading it aloud in your head, for example third sentence "You could hear from the landing---" What could we hear from the landing? we were in the kitchen just now, and where is Jane? and what was she having to step across because of the nature of her slippers. I know it's not what you meant but you don't make it clear, this makes it difficult to read and we shouldn't be working it out, you should be telling us. Things like to her distress when I am sure you meant in her distress, or did you?
Try to use the things you know, maybe you are and this is all based on personal experience but it all runs a bit too smoothly and predictably for me really to believe that and people don't just get over that sort of thing and move on successfully. You have written about a big ,terrifying, thing, how about trying to describe your own world (Changing the names is always a good idea). It may seem ordinary to you but remember that people from all over the world can access this, can you capture the sights and sounds around you in words? Take a note book with you so you can remember things, you never do otherwise, and put everything in it, it doesn't matter it is only for your own reference, no one else need see it, then when you get an idea to write something you can weave it all in and make it so much richer. Best of luck, keep writing

Triquediqual · 07-10-2007, 06:20 AM

Thanks for that reply Olly, it was most helpful. I'll try to incorporate that technique in my writing in the future.

It's not based on personal experience. I had to think of an essay to write in a State Examination and I wanted to think of something unique that nobody else would write and an original piece that could and would happen.

Has anyone else deep criticisms, I need more on this. I need mistakes to oer' leap my standard onto a higher platform so I can perform better in writing.

Anyone elses thoughts?

The Hack · 07-10-2007, 08:46 AM

Triquediqual, I think you suffer from the opposite problem as me. With the style of writing that I am accustom to, concise is king. I think this is why I get the comment "a bit dry" when writing creatively. That being said, clarity is important in any writing. I agree with Olly that you should go through and think about how this would sound if read out loud. Where would the pauses be if this were spoken? Where would the breaks be? I also think you need to look into where line breaks are required for dialogue. I have this problem also. What I do is pick up a book by an author that I respect and look to see how he/she deals with dialogue.

Hope that helps.

I almost forgot - watch your tense. You seem to be slipping back and forth from present and past tense. This makes for a difficult read. Personally, I avoid present tense if I can help it.

Triquediqual · 07-10-2007, 10:30 AM

Ok, thanks again for the feedback, I'll try to act on it in future.

I'd like if someone went through it analytically to point out as many errors as they can so I can notice and heal the problem.

Anymore feedback would be great?

Voodoo · 07-10-2007, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Triquediqual

HTML Code:

Disclaimer: This story contains profane language, and disturbing imagery.

Reeling & Raging

Seldom did the Savage family remain in slumber beyond noon, although today was that You don't need "that" as there is no reference.one exception. You went from providing an expectation for no one to awaken, then transition immediately into someone tumbling down stairs. It seems tackeed on, if unimportant. Tumbling down the stairs, Danny raced into the kitchen to get breakfast. Una son Una son? Do you mean Una's son? if so, I've still not the barest reason before me as to why these characters are doing what they're doing. followed like a sore thumb and expected Danny to make the tea ...the morning tea?for her, " Please Danny, please, please, please...... ", this continued for an age I expect it didn't.until Danny finally gave in. You could hear from the landing Jane was stepping across due to the slithering nature of her slippers. No, I couldn't tell, and what?The kitchen looked upsidedown due to the frantic 45th Birthday party of Dad Bill. Disarrayed, upside down reminds of a cluckerhouse. Also, here would be a good place for a new paragraph. Wallpaper embraced Jam what is this sentence? I can't picture a single thing in it.and sweets while the worktop nearly hung off the edge. The Savage family weren't wasn't, maybe? well off and lived in a cheap two storey sp, and two storey what? A building? and the interior looked worse than the exterior. You can better word this. The front garden was a blanket of faeces "feces" and that's just nasty because the next door neighbour flew the faeces from her own dog in the garden. This bit of knowledge is unnecessary. Inside, Bill remained, seemingly knotted to the bedpost, or more likely willingly hung to them. Jane was furious at his laziness and roared up the staircase, " Bill, you better get the fuck down here now or I'll fucking kill'ya", the situation was worsened by the lack of response from Bill. awfully passive phrase, the situation was worsened.Bill was "Bill had been"unemployed for the past 5 years and claimed benefits and refusesbut refused. to find a job. new paragraph, and follow up on the jobless part, otherwise at this point, it's filler.Meanwhile, Danny strolled casually into the lounge and plonked himself on the sofa, controller in hand watching the TV. Jane could see the pounds piling on him also as he seemed to be the younger version of his father. I don't really see the connection, or his age. Just say he's a fatass.To In her distressher distress, Jane grabs her keys from the Hall table, picks up her coat, and storms out leaving the clatter of the door behind her. You switched tenses like hell. uniformity is important- you use was, keep on doing it. Situations remained detrimental for the family with constant rows and arguments over the littlest of things, and the unemployment from Bill seemed to be the main contributing factor. Poorly worded, unemployment "for" Bill, detrimental is an immediate action, so to speak, not a longterm description. It took Bill a further two hours to awaken, weighing 16 stone and a stubble covered visage, from description to action with no transition???like a sloth, he clambered out of his haven and down the stairs. Trying too hard, usnig haven. Be simple. He too, like his son strolls into the loungs spwith an emanating bang as his weight falls onto the armchair. Another filling, poorly worded sentence.

That night, Jane returns from her part-time occupation as a cleaner for a local department store. She had earned $74.50 and placed it in the family tin, transitionshe made the effort to visit Bill in the lounge to inform him of the influx of money they currently have. What?Bill sarcastically comments, "Where d'ya steal that from bitch?", ignorant of the question, and staring a hole through him, she walks upstairs for a visit to the lavatory. You're making extremely poor choices in words. Meanwhile, Bill recieves fuck, from where? the energy to actually stand up and walks enthusiastically into the kitchen. "Bill, enoying a sudden flash of malicious energy, strutted haughtily into the kitchen like a rooster among his domain." << Just my opinion.He too too is unnecessary. stares a hole, this time at the family tin. "The tin savings can catches [caught] his eye."He wrenches the cash, forces it into the nearest pocket and heads for the door. "He takes the money from within and exits the house." So much simpler. With a limp, he sneaks out the door, exclaiming "I'm off for a walk Jane, I'll be back soon don't worry." Unbeknownst Pissy word. to her, Bill travelled via his 80's style car to the McKenna's pub. "She didn't know Bill was driving his car to MnKenna's pub." Dong, the clock read 11p.m and Jane was wondering where the hell Bill went. In the meantime, she ordered Una and Danny to bed, and luckily got no argument from them this time. Is english your first language, Lucas? I'm curious.Hands in her pockets, it was a cold night for the Savage family, unfortunately they had a heavy persistant draft sliding it's way under the bashed front door. Unnecessary. "It was time.", Jane thought as she briskly returned to the hall and acquired the house phone, placing it beside her mandible and ringing Bill. "...thought as she paced to hall and picked up the reciever."

A little lesson in quoting inside of paragraphs

1. it really shouldn't be done.

2. If you must, it follows like this, just as in a one line piece of speech.

"It was time," Jane thought. No period if it would normally use one.

After three attempts she finally got through listening to a speeding car it seemed. What?" Bill, where the fuck have you gotten to, you said you went for a fucking walk and you took the cuntin' car?", Jane roared; waking Una up. No semicolon, poor speech.Bill didn't reply, although Jane heard a crashing sound and got cut off. Worried she tried to ring back. Jane got no reply. She quickly rang the Police for assistance and waiting for them to arrive at the house. Jane feared that Bill was in a car accident, horrified; she broke into a fit of tears, rolling down her cheeks falling gently to the floor. Whatever emotion present is dead, for the reals.She anxiously walked up and down for seven minuted you don't need to tell the time, really. when she finally heard a knock on the door. It was heaven for her to hear the knock but hell at the actual visitor. You have a pacific method of writing. Actually show the goddamn words.It was Bill, masked in a drunken state, in a state he enjoys. He's not masked. if you're not intimate with a word's connotations, don't use it.Those tears quickly evaporated by the heat generated by her instantaneous anger. "Whatever tears she had dried quickly, as her anger was manifestng itself at Bill's lapse of thought." Something, just be DIRECT. In a moment of pure anger, someone said," I phoned the fucking Police thinking you were dead!? ", being his usual self, Bill responded saying " Me........dead.....I threw the fucking mobile out'da wind'a because I could not stand your feckin voice no longer!!!". Another knock vibrated the door at that instance. Jane forced her way around Bill and opened the door, it was the police.'

I'm going to cut it here, Lucas. Whatever problems left will be repeated. I'll say that it was somewhat coherent for your first short story, but you must do better.

After a long night arguing and sleeping in separate bedrooms, Bill and Jane decided to meet in the kitchen that morning. The kids remained in bed due to the summer recess. Bill was surpirsingly sober after his binge the night before while Jane spoke with an affectionate respect. Bill admitted that he had been wrong in the relationship and admitted laziness. Jane replied in a somber tone, " Things have to change around here Bill ya know. We just can't go on like this. ", he accepted this and promised to her that things would undoubtedly change for the Savage family, " Jane, I want to change as well, I'm going to.....try and get a job, but I can't promise anything". They were sipping tea during this conversation and this alone was a good sign of things to come. Their talk was briefly interupted by the kids who left as quick as they entered nearly sensing something good remained in the air. The tension lifted from the house and expelled out the chimney although not contributing to global warming! Bill at this point agreed to stop drinking indefinitely and appealed to his wife that he indeed will attempt to get an occupation, thus contributing to the family pot. Thus life improved to a vast extent for the family and they agreed to attend the festival this coming Saturday at noon. It was Thursday afternoon and already Bill embarked on a journey, one he had never gone on before which was to find a job. This excited Jane who remained at home playing the housewife. Life remained enjoyable for the Savage family, for the next two days, there was no arguments or disputes and the kids Una and Danny were behaving at their best. Bill struggled to get home as his car nearly brokedown, luckily for him, it only broke down at the driveway. Apart from this slip up, he was going to get it repaired by a local friends for a knock-off price which pleased Jane.

The house on Saturday erupted in delight at 10a.m, one of the earliest times the family have ever got up. It was a real shock to all their systems. Jane was in a wonderful mood, clambering the pots and pans and decided to cook a fry for everyone. Bill responded, "It's at times like this when you really appreciate your family." Everyone gathered around the kitchen table as Jane dished out the sausages, and egg among others. There was a clanging sound as forks and spoons hit the plates as no music played in the background. The family was ecstatic about the festival going on in town as they began preparing to depart. The were forced to stroll down because the car hadn't been repaired yet so Bill decided to stay behind and get it repaired himself, then go down to the festival, car in tow. Jane didn't trust him at this point and advised that Una remain to make certain he doesn't sip a drop of ethanol. Meanwhile, Danny and Jane walked down to the festival ahead of them. Heavy showers looked to persist after six minutes walking down and Jane realised that she forgot her purse! Unfortunately for Danny, they had to rush back and retrieve it. At last they arrived at home and was annoyed to see he hadn't started work yet on his car. Anyhow, they walked in. They heard loud rock music echoing from upstairs and she decided to investigate. She slowly walked upstairs with a concerned but enthusiastic look on her face. Jane clasped the door handle of her room, tilted it remarkably silently but dashingly quickly opened it. The look of enthusiasm shifted into a dark state of upset, quickly followed by utmost power. Bill lay naked covering Una, they both remained on the bed. At the moment of opening the door, she witnessed him violently sexually assaulting Una. Blood poured from the quilt, dripping onto the hardwood floor meandering its way towards Jane. Una lay there in a lifeless form similar to a doll. Enraged with shock, Jane removed him from their daughter. She attacked him, both verbally and physically, but he defended himself and threw her to one side. Bill clothed himself with a long jacket and escaped downstairs. Now realising what occurred, Danny quickly rang the police and tried to fend him off but Bill was overpowering and was left unscathed. Like lightning, he struck once but hopefully not again. A policeman was in the vicinity due to the harshness of the locality and was informed of him. He was kept down until the squad car came and formally arrested and took him away. Meanwhile Danny ran upstairs, in shock to find his mother consoling the sexually abused Una.

That evening a doctor arrived at Janes call to physically assess Una. The doctor was very distressed learning the true nature of what jus occurred several hours previous to it. Jane walked downstairs and spoke with tears to Danny. He was filled with direst hatred for his father and can’t understand why he would do any sort of actions like that. After the physical assessment, the doctor recommends that Una attend the hospital for further examinations and healing. Jane accepts and at this point the phone rang. She picked it up and it was the police. They informed Jane that Bill will be kept in custody prior to a sentencing over the coming days. Jane replied, “That day just couldn’t come sooner, thank you”, then gently placed the phone onto the stand, turned to the doctor and also thanked him for his kind assistance. The night remained lonely for Jane, she couldn’t sleep in that bed again and wherever she slept, she was enraptured in nightmares and deprived sleep. Following her inability to attend a late slumber, she emerged from the sofa from which she slept and entered the kitchen with heavy eyes. The sudden glare of the light, squinted her eyes for a moment, opening to see her one son Danny. Like two ends of a magnet they attracted to each other and induced a memorable hug, a perfect fit with appropriate meanings. They remained like this for two entire minutes. Each others tears a stain on their shoulders, tears of shock and tears of weakness. Eventually this magnetic like pull smoothly separated leaving to bodies sorrowfully staring into each others eyes. They did not have to say anything, their eyes told the story. Jane left the kitchen, as the night slowly moved on.

The Savage family, the broken jigsaw or the shattered bird had to re-arrange the pieces and feathers to become whole and meaningful again. It took six months for this transition to successfully take place as Bill was actually sentenced 5 weeks before this. During the trial, Jane and Danny made their presences felt in the audience but it was the judge who had the over-ruling decisions here. Judge Johnathan McKinley found the defendant guilty and sentenced him to thirteen years imprisonment. Encaptured by those words, Jane and Danny arose and gracefully left the auditorium with dignity and respect. Bill did not look remorseful during the trial and left with a sick smile emerging on his face as he left for the jail cells. Jane and Danny agreed it was time to move on and it was time to help Una as much as they could. This occurrence has strengthened the remaining family as they helped each other towards living a better life for no only Una, both Jane and Danny. Danny was beginning to sit the high-school final examinations, Jane got a new job as a leading secretary and Una returned to school and has made many new reliable friends there. Life has moved on for the Savage family for the better and may it continue that way please God.

************************************************** ******

This was my first ever written piece and hope to improve at writing greatly after this piece. I expect harsh criticisms here but I want them so I can improve.

The Hack · 07-10-2007, 01:27 PM

I would hate to discourage anyone your age from continuing to write, and that is not my intent here. That being said, the reason I did not go into editing detail is because, due to the problems as outlined in my earlier post, this is very difficult to read. I will take the first section and give you my analysis:

Quote:

Seldom did the Savage family remain in slumber beyond noon, although today was that one exception nit picky, but I don't like "that one exception" with "seldom" - you first imply that it sometimes happens and then make it sound as if this is the only time it ever happened. Tumbling down the stairs, Danny raced into the kitchen to get breakfast. Una son followed like a sore thumb and expected Danny to make the tea for her I've never been followed by a sore thumb, [I think break is appropriate here]" Please Danny, please, please, please...... ", this continued for an age until Danny finally gave in. You could hear from the landing Jane was stepping across due to the slithering nature of her slippers. I did not understand the bold text - it seems like an incomplete sentence. The kitchen looked upsidedown due to the frantic 45th Birthday party of Dad Bill Are you planning to call the character "Dad Bill" throughout, or is it just the father of the kids, named Bill? Also, frantic seems an odd choice of words to describe a birthday party. Wallpaper embraced Jam and sweets while the worktop nearly hung off the edge Again, I don't understand this sentence. [I think this is a new paragraph]The Savage family weren't well off and lived in a cheap two storey and the interior looked worse than the exterior This sentence runs on a bit - I don't know if it just needs punctuation, or if it needs re-writing. The front garden was a blanket of faeces because the next door neighbour flew the faeces from her own dog in the garden. Inside, Bill remained, seemingly knotted to the bedpost(s?) I would also say "Bill remained inside, seemingly knotted to the bedpost..., or more likely willingly hung to them.

Edit - I did not see Voodoo's post before I posted this. Sorry if there is duplication.

Olly Buckle · 07-10-2007, 02:01 PM

I started to post again and then saw Voodoo and The Hack's contributions, how much beating down do you need?. One thing in the first bit, sore thumbs do not follow, lost kittens follow, sore thumbs stand out, I had to say that. On the positive side you got a good indication of who where and when into the first line, that is excellent

Triquediqual · 07-10-2007, 03:45 PM

Maybe I'm not cut out for this type of thing. I can't knock your comments though because when I read them they seemed like obvious mistakes to make but at the time my writing seemed right and I looked over a few times and couldn't spot them until reading the critics view.

I'm not so sure about continuing to write prose or what as I like writing poetry but ideally would prefer to write prose, any ideas or what?

Voodoo · 07-10-2007, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucas

not cut out

piss, baby.

You've not been doing this long, you're first few works are better than most of the piss amateurs make, stop whining and do better.

The Hack · 07-10-2007, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Maybe I'm not cut out for this type of thing.

I echo Voodoo's thoughts on this. That is why I was hesitent to critique your work. I would hate for a 17 year old kid to give up writing just becuase his first piece of fiction is not as concise as it could be. That is complete bullshit. Writing is a learned skill. Like anything in life, you can't just roll out of bed one day and say, "I'm going to write a masterpiece today". The only way to become a good writer is to write, write and then write some more.

Triquediqual · 07-10-2007, 04:04 PM

Well okay, but can anyone tell me some *obvious* pointers that could steer my progression into the right direction?

Voodoo · 07-10-2007, 04:05 PM

Mate, if you're intimidated, you should be. I am, Hack is, Stephen king is, Kafka was, hell.

Letting shit like this discourage you is stupid. You're willing to write and to learn, that is a skill most fucking people don't have.

Voodoo · 07-10-2007, 04:16 PM

Reading will help you every single bit as writing.

The Hack · 07-10-2007, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Mate, if you're intimidated, you should be. I am, Hack is, Stephen king is, Kafka was, hell.

Isn't that the truth. I am twice your age, yet had to have Voodoo (who I believe is younger than you) bitch me out for sandbagging my work as part of my defense against rejection. Add to that the fact that I have a doctorate degree (not in writing, but in a writing intense field). That doesn't change the fact that writing fiction, and more so sharing it with others, spooks me out a bit.

Again I agree with Voodoo, read with an eye towards writing form and style. I'm not just talking about the creative aspect, I am talking about sentence structure, use of punctuation, where new paragraphs begin...