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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 07-09-2007, 01:41 PM   #1
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I sat alone for over an hour wondering where she could be. I knew I was in the right place, we had agreed to meet at noon at the entrance of the museum. If it were anyone else I would have left after fifteen minutes. But this wasn’t anyone else; it was the most perfect girl I had ever met. In addition to her obvious physical beauty, she was also the most down to earth and genuine person you could imagine. That’s why it bothered me so that she might stand me up.

She was an absolute angel. Her black hair—which flowed elegantly to the middle of her back—would shimmer in the light and more resembled silk than the hair of any mortal. Her skin was a flawless, olive-colored vision of beauty covering her well defined features and providing an amazing contrast to her cool blue eyes. I had read the stories about the Trojan wars and thought it absurd that the Achaean army would be dispatched to wage a decade long war to return one woman to their land. After I saw Amy for the first time, it seemed completely plausible that an entire race of people would risk their fortune and military to bring such a creature home.

What impressed me most about Amy was how she conducted herself. She could have gotten away with anything, and all would have been forgiven so as to hold the good graces of such a mesmerizing, charming and innocent young girl. Despite this, Amy did not use her beauty as a tactic. She was not part of the cheerleader clique who had ordained themselves as the judge and jury of social acceptance. Amy did not belong to any one group; she was friendly to all and her kindness was returned by all who came in contact with her. This was how I perceived Amy.

It wasn’t until my elevated blood pressure caused my head to throb and my cheeks to burn that I began to wonder if it was her beauty that had blinded me to the truth. Perhaps her method of manipulation was just subtle enough, and the weak feeling I had whenever I saw her just strong enough, that I had failed to see her shortcomings. Although we had never held ourselves out as a couple, she certainly did all she could to give me the impression that we were an item. Yet, I routinely saw her standing alone with other guys in the hallway, having some conversation to which I was not privy. It began to occur to me that she might have similar relationships with one or more of these other guys; perhaps they have seen Amy talking to me in the hall and wrote it off as her genuine kindness to all—that manipulative bitch. She was probably with one of those other guys, laughing and having a good time, deciding that a trip to the museum with me was a lame second option. I was a fool for waiting so long, especially for a snake like Amy. Where was my head?

Defeated and disgusted with my naivety, I decided to buy a Coke for my long walk home. I was still fuming when I entered the store, slammed the can of Coke on the counter and waited for the clerk to inform me of the price.

“Tuesday special”, he said. “Buy one Coke, get a second one free”.

He must have thought I was mentally handicapped as I sat there for a full minute before responding, “Tuesday? Did you say Tuesday? Goddamn it! I thought it was Wednesday”.

Last edited by The Hack : 07-10-2007 at 07:07 AM.
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Old 07-09-2007, 02:46 PM   #2
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I like the twist at the end. All in all it was a good piece. There were a few vocab/grammatical problems, but nothing too serious. Just try to stay away from cliches..I know it can be hard to do when describing someone who's beautiful. Only other thing I can think of atm is you repeat "I had ever met" in the second paragraph. Just a little thing that annoyed me.
Good work, keep writing.
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Old 07-09-2007, 02:49 PM   #3
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Only other thing I can think of atm is you repeat "I had ever met" in the second paragraph. Just a little thing that annoyed me.
I am also annoyed by this. That is why I will usually write something one day and make sure to re-read it the next. Those things stand out to me if I put it down for a while. I am editing that out immediately.

Again, I thank you. I am planning to read your work in the critique section but do not currently have enough time to read it through without interuption.
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Old 07-09-2007, 03:12 PM   #4
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^yeah, it's best to write something, then take a break for a while and re-read it a day or two later. You'll find a lot of mistakes that way.
And thank you in advance. I know it's kind of a lot of text, soo no rush.
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