A Chance. flash/288 words. - Writers Forum

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-08-2007, 06:21 PM

no longer flash, 1,302 words
i just rewrote the ending and added some paragrahs

A Chance

Tears slip from his unusual eyes. He let them slide down his face, unashamed.
His eyes, his most remarkable feature, are a deep azure blue with flecks of green and brown. If you look long enough into them you feel like you are drowning, but looking at them can be as delicious as a cold drink in the desert.
I stare at him, wondering what his story is. Why were those beautiful eyes leaking water like a faulty tap?
Everyday is the same, everyday he gets on this bus and sits in the same place. Only today is different; today he cried.
I look around me; I can tell i am not the only one wanting to comfort him, but social shyness dissuades me from getting up and going over.

I know he notices me; every time he sees me his eyes light up and a slight grin brushes across his silky lips.

I slowly pick up my bag. Nervous and feeling like I am going to throw up I stand and move towards him.

I stand near him, breathing his aroma. “S-s” I cough nervously, trying to clear my throat so the words can form “Sorry-is-this-seat-taken?” quickly, almost without pause. I exhale as he looks at me. His eyes are slightly puffy and an intricate web of red is growing on the sclera. He shakes his head. A barely perceptible indication that the seat was free. I sit down.
His shoulders are hunched, it looks as if he is crumpling in on himself. Normally he sits up straight, shoulders back, the image of confidence; my heart hurt as I look at the dramatic change.

I reach into my bag for a packet of tissues. I offer. He accepts. His hand briefly touches mine as he takes my offering, I shiver at the touch, lightening bolts firing from my fingertips through to my groin. He looks at me curiously, silently I hope I didn't gasp at our brief touch.

He sighs “I must look like an idiot, crying on a public bus” I shake my head slightly “it’s best to let your emotions out, when we bottle them up they can overwhelm us when the bottle cracks…look what happens to postal workers” my weak attempt at a joke coaxes a small smile to his lips. I pass him another tissue, the previous one is a sodden mess.

I am unsure of how to continue. “if..if you want to talk to me about it, I don’t mind…I mean I know I don’t know you but sometimes that helps ya know? talking to a stranger” I inwardly groan, I sound so stupid. He smiles again “I know what you mean, I suppose its kind of silly but I broke up with…with” he sobs loudly. Then, suddenly, turns and wraps his arms around me and gently lays his head on my shoulder. I am so surprised I hug him back, letting him use my t-shirt as a tissue.

I comfort him well past his bus stop and mine is approaching. Gently I untangle him from my clothes “I’m really sorry, but my stop is nearly here, and if I miss it I have no way of getting back” he looks around, tears still streaked his face “crap, I think I missed my stop” panic is once more rising in my stomach, should I do this? Before I can rethink the question pops out of my mouth “my apartment is near my stop, if you want you can come up and ring for a taxi” he smiles again “I don’t have enough money, its okay, I’ll walk back” “are you sure? No offence or anything, but your not in the best of forms, and I would just worry that something will happen if you walk home by yourself, I can give you the money for one” “well..okay, but, I will pay you back” “that’s okay”

We get off the bus and walk towards my apartment complex, he’s no longer resting on my shoulder but the tears still flow freely.

As we step through the threshold I flick on the lights. “My phone is just in the sitting room there, you can use the phone book and if you want I can make you a cup of coffee, it might help” “thanks” he heads off to call a cab while I go to the kitchen to make some coffee for us, on the way I stop to change my t-shirt which now has large damp patches.

“here” he smiles and takes the cup, smelling the coffee he slowly sips, letting the warmth trickle down his throat. He starts to shiver so I offer him a blanket. Gratefully he accepts my offer. While on my way back realisation dawns on me. “I don’t think you told me your name” he looks embarrassed “sorry, i didn't get a chance..i..i didn’t mean to cry on your shoulder” “that’s okay, I don’t mind” “my name is Brian” “hello Brian I’m-“ a shrill honk cuts me off “my cabs here” “yea” I reach into my pocket and take out my wallet “how much do you think it will be?” “I dunno…I haven’t gotten a taxi in awhile”
I take out a fifty “do you think it will be enough?” “I’m not sure, why don’t you come with me, then you can pay me back and I can give you money to return as payment for being a shoulder to cry on” he stands, then hugs me, he whispers “thank you”

Not wanting to let him disappear from my life I agree to go too, hoping to at least gain a friend.

We slide into the taxi, Brian gives his addresss, the driver nods and drives.
I’m all too aware how close we are sitting, our arms touching.

I gulp and look down, his hand is holding mine. I look up at him, those eyes staring at me, slating my thirst. He leans in slowly kisses me, our tongues entwine. Nothing else exists buts us and our long, deep kiss. We both slowly move back. He’s blushing and I think I am as well. I slowly lie against him, feeling drowsy from the car journey. He puts an arm protectively around me and kisses the top of my head.

I jerk awake, the car has stopped and Brian is gently shaking me. “c’mon, we’re at my house” groggily I pay and get out of the taxi, brian follows. As it drives away I curse, I could have taken that one back.

we walk into his house and through into a living room. I collapse on the couch, rubbing my eyes. “look, you tired, you might awell stay here tonight, you can use the spare room” I nod gratefully, he sits beside me. “emm..i..i like you but..but I just well..you know…broke up…and..i do..like you…but I don’t…I don’t think im ready” I nod again “it’s okay, I understand” he smiles and hugs me again. “Maybe…when..i’m …ready...could I..call you?” “yea, but, before you do, I want you to make sure you really are ready” he nods solemly.

I sit on the bed, it was an exhuasting day. I put on the pajamas that he had lent me for the night and climb beneath the covers.

A shrill beeping invades my sleep, I open my eyes, smoke is filling the room. i crawl out of bed and onto the floor, trying to stay low to the ground.
I crawl down the hall and find Brian in his room, still in his bed, I think he’s still asleep, I pull him to the floor and shake him awake.

My lungs are burning, we are both coughing. The thick smoke is hard to see though, it burns my eyes and lungs.

Together we crawl, unsure of where the flames are. We get down the stairs. Dancing light is coming from the kitchen, I can hear the flames crackling. I glance into the sitting room as we crawl by. Flames are dancing up and down the walls, devouring everything, pictures, curtains and furniture all succombing to its hunger.

The flames are catching up, we make it to the door. Feeling weak. I reach up to turn the handle. Nothing. Brian is nearly unconcious, he gasps “the lock” he starts to cough again. I reach up, my hand a dead weight. The lock wont turn. Frantically I keep trying. Its stuck. I start banging the door, hoping someone, anyone, will hear me.

My arm wont work anymore, too tired to bang it against the door. I lean against Brian, he looks at me, his breathing laboured. i wrap my arms around him, slowly we kiss.
The last thing I see are his beautiful eyes…so beautiful.

-CD

Azmakna · 07-08-2007, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Tears slipped from his unusual eyes. He let them slide down his face, unashamed.

wow they are unusual eyes!

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-08-2007, 06:38 PM

emm....i think i'm missing somthing.....

could ya explain what you mean?

Azmakna · 07-08-2007, 06:45 PM

it makes it sound like his eyes slide down his face

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-08-2007, 06:50 PM

oh...okay...

changed it

Azmakna · 07-08-2007, 06:51 PM

beter! i'll go through it properly tomorrow if i get the time fella

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-08-2007, 06:52 PM

thanks

Cold Twilight · 07-08-2007, 07:36 PM

Hmmm.

Ah-hah! *pounce* Good writing to go over...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_dude6662

A Chance

Tears slip [ped --delete] from his unusual eyes. He let[s] the tears slide down his face, unashamed.

His eyes,
his most remarkable feature You already said they were unusual, so it seems a bit of a redundancy to say that they're remarkable,

[are] a deep azure blue with flecks of green and brown.

If you look [ed -delete] long enough into them you fe[el] like you [are] drowning, but looking at them c[an also] be as delicious as a cold drink in the desert.
I stare at him, wondering what his story [i]s. Why [are] those beautiful eyes leaking water like a faulty tap?
Everyday [is] the same, everyday he gets on this bus and sits in the same place. Only today [i]s different[;] today he [cried --> might want to change this to [is crying], but it has a nice impact when in the past tense..
I look [ed -deleted] around me[;] I [can] tell [I am] not the only one wanting to comfort him, but social shyness dissuad[s] me from getting up and going over.

I know he notices me[;] every time he sees me his eyes light up and a slight grin brushes across his silky lips.

I slowly pick up my bag[.] [N]ervous and feeling like I am going to throw up I stand and move towards him.

I stand near him, breathing his aroma. “[S]-s[.]” I cough nervously, trying to clear my throat so the [y -deleted] words can form[.] “[S]orry-is-this-seat-taken?” quickly, almost without pause. I exhale as he looks at me. His eyes are slightly puffy and an intricate web of red is growing on the sclera. He shakes his head. A barely perceptible indication that the seat was free. I s[i]t down.
His shoulders [are] hunched, it look[s] as if he [i]s crumpling in on himself. Normally he s[i]t[s] up straight, shoulder[s] back, the image of confidence[;] my heart hurt[s] as I look [ed -deleted] at the dramatic change.

I reach into my bag for a packet of tissues. I offer. He accepts.

Most of the changes and marks I made in here were to keep the tense in the 'present' form, as that is the most predominant one, and seemed to be the one you were going for.

I want to know what's going on soo much! DON'T STOP HERE, please!

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-08-2007, 07:38 PM

thanks

i'll change the tenses thank you so much for taking the time to do that. i hate tenses lol
i suppose i'll continue.

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-08-2007, 08:34 PM

moved it up to the top

Cold Twilight · 07-08-2007, 09:12 PM

Hmmmm...I'll have to come back for this one...but one comment. It seemed a bit disjointed. How'd they get to kissing so fast? Why? How?

NedRyerson · 07-08-2007, 10:20 PM

Though I think it's what you were going for, it all seemed a little too fast to be beliavable. Saying they fell in love that fast didn't really work for me. As well the death sequence felt a little cheezy, but I just think it needs to be reworded some. "Death's cruel embrace" is kinda overused. As you said you just wrote it tonight, I'd go back and add a lot more. Not a bad story but needs to be fleshed out a bit.

And maybe I was way off base on this and missed something, but was the narrator supposed to be a guy? I got that vibe from it...

Foxee · 07-08-2007, 11:55 PM

I know you're angling for a big shock at the end with the accident and the death...I just wasn't shocked. It's almost like I've seen this sort of effort too often to be shocked anymore. I think for once I'd like to have the twist be something else. Maybe a former lover in the cab when the two lovers try to get in or something.

Crazy_dude6662 · 07-09-2007, 07:48 AM

i wasnt really going for a shock to be honest, i just wanted somthing sad to happen becasue the song i was listening too was too sad.
i was aiming for Brian to be on like the rebound but the other person was in love with him.

and i never specified what gender the narrotor is, its up to you to deicide.

thanks taking the time to read it

Azmakna · 07-09-2007, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_dude6662

no longer flash, 1,302 words

i wrote this tonight, i want to know what people think, i dunno if i should leave it or continue. all comments are appreciated!!!

A Chance

Tears slip from his unusual eyes. He let them slide down his face, unashamed. His eyes, his most remarkable feature, are a deep azure blue with flecks of green and brown. If you look long enough into them you feel like you are drowning, but looking at them can be as delicious as a cold drink in the desert.

lose this, you explain why they are unusual in the following sentence. can he tell his tears to stay in his eyes? try 'refreshing' because of the association with desert.
I stare at him, wondering what his story is. Why were those beautiful eyes leaking water like a faulty tap? Everyday is the same, everyday he gets on this bus and sits in the same place. Only today is different; today he cried.
I look around me; I can tell i am not the only one wanting to comfort him, but social shyness dissuades me from getting up and going over.

I know he notices me; every time he sees me his eyes light up and a slight grin brushes across his silky lips.

I slowly pick up my bag. Nervous and feeling like I am going to throw up I stand and move towards him.

i would lose this. it should after the verb phrase anyway.

I stand near him, breathing his aroma. “S-s” I cough nervously, trying to clear my throat so the words can form “Sorry-is-this-seat-taken?” quickly, almost without pause. I exhale as he looks at me. His eyes are slightly puffy and an intricate web of red is growing on the sclera. He shakes his head. A barely perceptible indication that the seat was free. I sit down.
His shoulders are hunched, it looks as if he is crumpling in on himself. Normally he sits up straight, shoulders back, the image of confidence; my heart hurt as I look at the dramatic change.

i would take the en dashes out. begin the sentence with 'Quickly, almost...' and then the dialogue. no idea what this means! simplify

I reach into my bag for a packet of tissues. I offer. He accepts. His hand briefly touches mine as he takes my offering, I shiver at the touch, lightening bolts firing from my fingertips through to my groin. He looks at me curiously, silently I hope I didn't gasp at our brief touch.

wrong image followed by the suggestion that you are touching your... ahem.

He sighs “I must look like an idiot, crying on a public bus”

I shake my head slightly “it’s best to let your emotions out, when we bottle them up they can overwhelm us when the bottle cracks…look what happens to postal workers” my weak attempt at a joke coaxes a small smile to his lips. I pass him another tissue, the previous one is a sodden mess.

i would lose this. narrative dialogue. just wrote 'sodden'

I am unsure of how to continue. “if..if you want to talk to me about it, I don’t mind…I mean I know I don’t know you but sometimes that helps ya know? talking to a stranger” I inwardly groan, I sound so stupid.

He smiles again “I know what you mean, I suppose its kind of silly but I broke up with…with” he sobs loudly. Then, suddenly, turns and wraps his arms around me and gently lays his head on my shoulder. I am so surprised I hug him back, letting him use my t-shirt as a tissue.

OTT. melodramatic.

I comfort him well past his bus stop and mine is approaching. Gently I untangle him from my clothes

unless you are both made of string, i would lose this. wrong image. every time someone new speaks it should be a new paragraph.

“I’m really sorry, but my stop is nearly here, and if I miss it I have no way of getting back” he looks around, tears still streaked his face “crap, I think I missed my stop”

panic is once more rising in my stomach, should I do this? Before I can rethink the question pops out of my mouth “my apartment is near my stop, if you want you can come up and ring for a taxi”

he smiles again “I don’t have enough money, its okay, I’ll walk back”

“are you sure? No offence or anything, but your not in the best of forms, and I would just worry that something will happen if you walk home by yourself, I can give you the money for one”

“well..okay, but, I will pay you back”

“that’s okay”

As we step through the threshold I flick on the lights. “My phone is just in the sitting room there, you can use the phone book and if you want I can make you a cup of coffee, it might help”

small point. you usually step OVER a 'threshold'

“thanks” he heads off to call a cab while I go to the kitchen to make some coffee for us, on the way I stop to change my t-shirt which now has large damp patches.

“here”

he smiles and takes the cup, smelling the coffee he slowly sips, letting the warmth trickle down his throat. He starts to shiver so I offer him a blanket. Gratefully he accepts my offer.

While on my way back realisation dawns on me. “I don’t think you told me your name”

he looks embarrassed “sorry, i didn't get a chance..i..i didn’t mean to cry on your shoulder”

“that’s okay, I don’t mind”

“my name is Brian”

“hello Brian I’m-“ a shrill honk cuts me off

“my cabs here”

“yea” I reach into my pocket and take out my wallet “how much do you think it will be?”

“I dunno…I haven’t gotten a taxi in awhile”

I take out a fifty “do you think it will be enough?”

“I’m not sure, why don’t you come with me, then you can pay me back and I can give you money to return as payment for being a shoulder to cry on”

Not wanting to let him disappear from my life I agree, hoping to at least gain a friend.

I gulp and look down, his hand is holding mine. I look up at him, those eyes staring at me, slating my thirst. He leans in slowly and kisses me, our tongues entwine. Nothing else exists but us and our long, deep kiss. We both slowly move back. He’s blushing and I think I am as well. I slowly lie against him, feeling drowsy from the car journey. He puts an arm protectively around me and kisses the top of my head.

lose this. you would know. lose this. 'around me, protectively'

I jerk awake, something's wrong. The tires are screeching and the taxi is spinning uncontrollably. Horns are blaring, I look up at Brian, his eyes are wide and terrified, he hugs me closer. Everything outside is nauseating as it passes with ferocious speed. Something large is coming towards us. I scream as the truck hits.

Crawling over broken glass, somehow I’m outside the taxi; which is nearly crushed beyond recognition

'somehow, i'm out of the taxi and crawling over glass' lose this. there would be large pieces and small pieces too.

“no, no, no, no, no” I mutter incessantly, hoping my mantra can reverse any damage done, I scrape through the wreckage trying to find any sign of Brian. I hear a groan and scramble towards it.

I look at his body, trying to stop the tears that want to burst through. Slowly one escapes and like a dam bursting floods of tears race down my face, dark droplets staining the ground. I look at them, realising that my tears have been joined by blood. My blood.

think of a different way of writing this.

Half of him is beneath the taxi. Brian, the man I had comforted not long ago, the man I now love. His chest rose and sank rapidly. Blood stained his lips. I slowly lower myself to the ground. “shhhh” I stroke his hair gently as he tries to say something. “its okay, they ambulance will be here soon, you’ll be okay”

ah up, why can't i find a woman who falls in love so easily?

sirens wail in the distance as if to prove me right. Darkness is slowly overtaking me, like a blind pulled against the light. With great effort he finally speaks:

“I’m dying”

“no, no your not dying. You will live, you’ll see, everything will be ok”

I slowly bend down to his face. His eyes slowly close, our lips meet, his last breath escapes him. Slowly I lie down. it wont be long. Soon death will take me in his cruel embrace and I shall see Brian. I close my eyes. The last thing I see are those beautiful eyes…so beautiful.

-CD

it's a bit cliqued, overly romantic and twee, but there are markets for this sort of thing. overall it's written reasonably well with a consistent pace and the transitions from one scene/idea to the next is smooth. i don't really think this qualifies as a satisfying story, but you certainly show promise. hope that helps