Crazy_dude6662

thanks i changed the ending and added some paragraphs

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Rose (possesed by Cassandra) : oh chavtastic again

McSteamy:if it isnt my faviourite Dirty Mistress
Meradith (high on morphine) : havn't you heard? now i'm an Adulterous Whore!

Azmakna

you need to sort your paragraphs out

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FictionFan

Your piece starts out strong. The tension builds nicely and keeps the reader interested. It makes you want to find out why he is crying and where this is headed.

But the story just falls apart because you were rushing it WAY too much. The ending is such a cliche. Where did you end this when it was a "flash" piece because you might want to try ending it there or totally changing the ending. It started out strong and I was disappointed because it just fell apart.

Here are some specific problems:

"Nothing else exists buts us and our long, deep kiss." Total cliche though I am sure everyone here including myself has written this exact sentence at one point or another...or okay it's just me. But yeah it's a cliche.


“I’m not sure, why don’t you come with me, then you can pay me back and I can give you money to return as payment for being a shoulder to cry on”

This line of dialogue is not realistic. People don't talk like that. Read it outloud to yourself and I bet it will sound odd to you. It sticks out.

Again this line of dialogue is not realistic --> “it’s best to let your emotions out, when we bottle them up they can overwhelm us when the bottle cracks…look what happens to postal workers”

Dialogue is hard and I'm not sure how you work on something like that...hopefully some members will have suggestions about how to work on dialogue. I find if I read my stuff outloud I can pick out where there are trouble spots. Dialogue is very hard in my opinion.

"Gently I untangle him from my clothes" Do you untangle someone from your clothes? I suppose so but wasn't his head just resting on the character's shoulder? How much untangling is there to do?

Anyway, I would probably have left it as a flash piece. Or tried to not make it so rushed. The ending totally killed it all for me.

~fictionfan

CountBlabula

That's cute! They are unusual because they slid down his face.

Fossy

Crazy Dude, please expand on this and don't let them die, that was so sad, but I loved it.

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Originally posted by Sam Winchester.
Fossy's good too. She gives good advice.

Crazy_dude6662

thanks for the comments

i might write another ending in which they dont die (the only reason hey died is because the song that inspired it was sad)

__________________
Rose (possesed by Cassandra) : oh chavtastic again

McSteamy:if it isnt my faviourite Dirty Mistress
Meradith (high on morphine) : havn't you heard? now i'm an Adulterous Whore!

Cleurun

Hi I am new here and a bit confused.

I am enjoying most of the feed-back on this story but let's not forget J.K.Rowlings. She wrote in short sentences with bad grammer. She is a winner anyway. Her strength is her imagination. I don't think she ever had a writing lesson. Some people are just naturals. (smile.)

Lemex

That was cool i liked it.

Crazy_dude6662

thanks

__________________
Rose (possesed by Cassandra) : oh chavtastic again

McSteamy:if it isnt my faviourite Dirty Mistress
Meradith (high on morphine) : havn't you heard? now i'm an Adulterous Whore!