Sevenx

Hello all, first time poster here . I've been a little bit reluctant to post here as there are some very good writers and it intimidates me sometimes, but I'd really appreciate some of your opinions.

This piece I wrote could be a short story, or even the beginning of a novel I feel. Its pretty much the first thing ive ever written by myself that wasn't for some sort of school assignment etc. Both my grammar and my spelling are terrible,but I hope that doesn't push you away from reading this. And last but not least, it's been edited one time, and thats when I added or took away when I converted it from paper to screen so its subject to change

Thank you very much if you take the time to read this through

The warm vapors drifting from his coffee soothed the inside of his parched nose. Unbeknownst to him, he had been careless- He realized his mistake as the spoon left within his mug made the dryness of his nose even more apparent with an abrubt jab. She used to rub hers back and forth on his as a sign of her affection, and the pain within his nostrils was apparent then as well. The memory felt friendly to him. Although now, the only thing he really has in terms of a confidant was bitterness. He noted the mug was particularly hot today as it licked at the surface of his hands, but the absence in his eyes was a poor representation of how his scalded skin felt. He was so used to such cold emotion anyway that he welcomed the warmth; too hot or not. He stirred his coffee then placed the spoon down next to his makeshift ashtray made from a napkin. Small dots of coffee stained the surface of the table that managed to escape the conclave shape of his spoon. He remembered how upset she would get when he disregarded the fact that her daisy-covered seat cushion wasn't in an upright position, and he would make coffee like stains on the plastic surface. Often times he would sit on the edge of their bed waiting for her to exit the bathroom bearing nothing more than her favorite towel, which she preferred because of it being particularly soft. He preferred it because it was particularly short.He remembered her wet hair. He anticipated the drops that would slide down her back as they seemed to only amplify her natural sweet smell that would leave him breathless if he happened to be downwind.

He ran his tongue along the insides of his teeth and felt the familiar texture of artificial sweetener and coffee- it reminded him how he would meticulously brush his teeth before kissing her. They would often brush together, but now he was alone. Companions with only his coffee and never ending memories. As he blinked slowly, he grazed the sides of his face with his hands which were most likely en route to his thick head of black hair. It was amusing how the communication between the cracks of his torn, dry, palms and the recently aqquired stubble on his cheeks was more appealing than their recent conversations that he couldn't help but miss as he at least got to hear her voice. She often complained of it being as coarse as 60 grit sand paper when he couldn't resist feeling her skin against his. As he ran his hands through his hair he felt the similiarities between how soft his was compared to hers- save for his being smooth like butter to hers being smooth as silk.


...sam?

.....sam.

There was a voice calling him but shrugged it off as his memories were already plenty to deal with. He could feel the cold, conditioned, air penetrate the worn areas of his favorite pair of Calvin Klein jeans as he reached down to his side. He fumbled in the darkness of his pocket., much like he did with her bra-claspe when they first became intimate together. The webbing of his fingers caught on a newly broken strand that must have only recently broken free. It figures, she actually washed his prize pair more than once a week weather he wanted to break them in properly or not. The pressure within his head was almost unbearable. The butt of his cigarette was already stuck to his bottom lip like a pretzel as he brought the lighter to his mouth.A perfect distraction. He couldn't stand the way the paper of his square pinched and pulled upon removal following each drag- perhaps it was because it reminded him of how she would playfully bite at his lower lip when she was in a good mood. He made a futile attempt at igniting the lighter, only to unfortunately find it was fresh out of vapors. The bits of hot flint stung him as they licked his skin. It felt no different than her fingernails trickeling down the crevice of his spine. In a fit, he hoped the lighter would function from the threat of a vigorous shaking less it prefer being cement over shoes at the bottom of his coffee mug, but he had no luck. He grabbed for the nearest pack of matches and lit his cigarette; usually another nail in his coffin, except he was convinced it was already well sealed. His eyes felt heavy as the acrid fumes caused his veins to contract and mind to become lucid. He pictured laying with her after their flesh disregarded the concept of personal space, limbs braided together. He exhaled out of either side of his mouth, like a bull would release hot breath from its nostrils. The milky smoke reminded him of their white sheets floating down to her body in a gentle summers breeze, perfectly accenting her silhouette. He would run the tips of his fingers between her breasts and watch the sun accentuate the goosebumps that followed soon on her soft mocha skin as he stared passionately into her eyes....

His spoon flipped and turned as he slammed his fists onto the table in anger resulting from a longing to feel these memories again. He didn't know how much longer he could maintain control over this lust to return to his previous life. But he knew it had to be this way... there simply was no other option. As he raised his head back in pure disappointment, he noticed an object reflecting on the surface of his newly positioned spoon. She was sitting accross from him in the opposing seat and for a moment he looked into her eyes and thought she might share this feeling of void. As she sat in silence, it was clear she struggled to put her thoughts to word. As she muttered her first words, he then understood why she was having such a difficult time.

"I think I made a mistake"

Triquediqual

For a first time, it's good!

However,

There are major errors. Your sentences are incomplete at times and far to long and complicated to be fully understood. It could take reading the line 2-4 times to get it. The spelling errors were huge mistakes like you mentioned at the start of the story. Some of your descriptions are very poor and unrelated and uncalled for.

Although 75% of the story remained okay although there could have been a lot of rephrasing required here. I understood the story and it just seemed to be an instant of 10 mins of a persons memory drifting, which isn't bad.

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Sevenx

Thank you for the feedback ! Perhaps after I actually sit down and fully edit it, it will be much more polished and easier on the eyes. I think I can definitely see where I have incomplete sentences, and then where some of the sentences are too long as well. Do you have any specific lines that you noted to be hard to understand? As well as rephrasing?

Knocking

It's pretty good. I don't think it makes a very good short story, personally. I mean, 99 percent of it is a guy lusting after his wife (I'm assuming) without any backstory. That said, if you wanted to make it into a better short story, some scenes besides intimacy should be added to his memory. It would be good as a scene in a novel, so that the backstory could be included later. I liked the ending, as it alluded to more of what happened between them, but like I said, a little more is needed. Just my opinion, though. You have a lot of good detail and description in there. Keep writing, and don't feel too intimidated to post some more!

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Sevenx

Great feedback knocking, I really appreciate it. A couple comments to clear up some things you questioned.

First the whole beard vs. Wife thing. I was trying to portray the fact that their recent conversations only hurt him, because they could have included any of the following: Reasons they were splitting, problems she had with him, things that reminded him of how they used to be during the good times etc. Basically all of the conversations they had prior to breaking up were heartbreaking to him. I will add something that will help to clarify this.

Second,I'm not sure about elsewhere in the country, but here, in the states and specifically the city of chicago,the term "square" is slang for cigarette.

Third, I titled it as a short story because I didn't really know what to call it. It just kind of came out of no where and I wrote it all down. But yep, like you said I was thinking of using it as sort of an intro to a novel type thing, or a rather long, short story haha, and then backtracking to the things that proceded this meeting they were having right after all of this went through his head.

Anywho, I really really appreciate the feedback.

I plan on taking a couple classes in creative writing to hopefully remedy myself of some of my careless errors and help with my sentence structure as well as knowing when to use dashes and semi colons.

Knocking

Ah, ya learn something new everyday. Thanks.

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"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."

--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Fossy

I totally agree with what everyone has said about tightening up the sentences, so I won't comment on that - I was just wondering though; do guys think about the sex they'll be missing out on when they are breaking up with their partner? I'm just curious that's all, as I'm always trying to understand what guys go though during a break up. Me personally, I don't think about the loss of a sexual relationship, I think about the loss of the person and the little stupid things we won't be doing together any more. Missing the sexual intimacy comes later, after they have left, after the anger, after the grief. (but that's just me, hence my question on how guys think)

I thought his partner was dead, so you surprised me with the ending.

You show lots of potential, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more from you.

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Sevenx

Thank you very much.

I tried to approach both aspects in this piece, even touching base on a male vs female view point. IE, the part about urinating on the seat, and the difference of opinion on the towel she wore.

I am male myself, so obviously it could be slightly biased towards what I feel when I lose a relationship of any form but I know I tend to appreciate different things in a relationship than a typical male-i'm more of a romance type.

I tried to ephasize the small things as well, because I think it is definitely false that all men do when we break up relationships, is lust and miss the physical aspect of the relationship. I tried to touch base on more of passion and just missing the general all around beauty of the female body and female in general. Perhaps I should add more mental images in terms of emotional connection between the two. To me its a very fine line between pure passion and compasion and lust, and I tried to somewhat portray that in his thoughts.

I also tried to show my personal and his appreciate for the small things. And actually, the small things, at least, in my mind, are the things that were driving him crazy over this "brainstorm" so to speak. Pissing on the seat, her scent, him fumbling with bra straps, and even as far as her washing his pants.

Anyway i'd like to thank everyone again that took the time to read this and make comments, it makes me happy

Mike C

Yes.

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FictionFan

Hi. Welcome to writing forums.

The problem I have with this piece of writing is the same problem I have with my own writing - it doesn't go anywhere. This "story" is very thin on plot (a huge problem I struggle with myself so am not sure what advice to give you on that subject).

I picked out a few sentences that stood out to me:

"He ran his tongue along the insides of his teeth and felt the familiar texture of artificial sweetener and coffee ..."

Am I wrong here but does coffee not have a texture? How do you feel the familiar texture of coffee on your teeth? Do you mean flavour?

"He fumbled in the darkness of his pocket., much like he did with her bra-claspe when they first became intimate together."

"Became intimate" together is not a good expression. Even though you are writing about intimacy you are not giving the reader a feeling of intimacy (if that makes any sense). There is no life to "they became intimate". It sounds like a question you would hear asked in a coutroom trial....
"were you at one time intimate with the defendant?"
"Yes, we first became intimate..."

Well you get the idea. Moving on...

"His eyes felt heavy as the acrid fumes caused his veins to contract and mind to become lucid."

This is what someone would write when they are "trying to write". You know how actors can overact? Well I think writers can "overwrite" too. It happens when you are trying too hard. You want to make it sound good but really the best stuff happens when you relax about writing I think (easier said than done I know!). You are working at it too hard and that is counterproductive.

"His spoon flipped and turned as he slammed his fists onto the table in anger resulting from a longing to feel these memories again."

Okay in this section you are trying to describe a strong emotion - anger. But your sentence has no life to it. You would be better off with shorter sentences in an "angry" part. I get no feeling of anger from this description at all.

Anyway, having said all that I don't mean to discourage you. It is brave of you to put up your first writing attempt. I don't know that I would have had the courage to put up my first writing attempt. Writing is hard and first drafts can be discouraging but you should keep trying. You can only get better with practice.

~fictionfan

FictionFan

I hope I didn't kill this thread.

~fictionfan