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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
07-07-2007, 11:29 AM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Goodnight Children.
this isn't finished. it's a section from a short story i'm working on at the moment. i'm trying a simpler voice here, to keep it personal.
Goodnight Children
“Elizabeth!”
She knew that the summons had come from the library and feared that her husband had discovered her little secret.
“Coming darling,” she shouted through, pulling her nightdress about her and rushing down the crescent staircase into bright light. The double-doors of the library had been thrown open. She could see the shadow of her husband, Albert, stretching across the carpet. “What is it, darling?”
“You know what it is,” he said, a hand leant on the bookshelf by the inside wall. “What did I tell you?”
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth rubbed her tired, old eyes against the brightness, standing as tall as she could. The puzzled look on her face had clearly not impressed her husband.
“Don’t come the all innocent with me.” He placed his finger on a book titled: ‘Caring for Cats’. “What did I tell you?”
Although she knew what her husband spoke of, she attempted to conceal the guilt behind a tired smile. “I don’t know what you—“
Albert swept the back of his free hand across her face and knocked the word from her lips. “Bitch,” he growled. Like much of the contents of the library, his face was leather-bound and creased. “The cats… I told you to get rid of those mangy cats.”
“Don’t hurt them.” Elizabeth had instinctively reached forward into his space as he had pulled the book out a fraction, tears trickling down her cheeks. She quickly pulled her hand to her side, realising she had overstepped the mark. “I couldn’t get rid of them, they’re my children.” The soft, compelling tone was lost to his ears.
He prodded her stomach. “If you had eggs in that womb of yours like normal women, perhaps we could have had kids. Oh no, it couldn’t be straight forward could it, just my luck to marry a baron woman.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“Then whose fault is it miss know-it-all. It’s certainly not me, is it. Three brothers, two sisters… no… and how many children did that drunken father of yours produce?”
“Just me.” It cut deep to say it, even though she knew there was no reason to be ashamed.
“Just the one, yes, that’s right.”
“Please stop it… stop it…” Elizabeth was distraught, her mottled hands covering her face.
“Stop it, stop it,” Albert parroted.
He pulled the book out further until he heard a click. Grasping the bookshelf in both hands, he tugged, edging the door open a fraction – enough to snake his fingers inside and flick the light switch in the hidden room. He was greeted immediately by a cacophony of mewls, meows and hisses. The stench of dried urine wafted out from inside. Albert rankled his nose, transferring his distain from the smell to his wife and then back again.
“How many of these flea-bitten mongrels are in there?”
“Thirty seven.”
“You are a stupid old woman. Can’t just have one like normal people, oh no, you have to have thirty fucking seven! How can you love this stink?”
“It’s my only company… you’re away on business most of the time. What am I supposed to do? Hoover and dust all day? Watch TV? Please tell me, because this house is so big and I’m so alone here.”
“Who do you think you are talking too?”
“I’m just trying to explain,” she said, shrinking beneath her dressing gown.
“Get to bed!”
__________________
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Last edited by Azmakna : 07-07-2007 at 12:52 PM.
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07-07-2007, 11:31 AM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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double post sorry
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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07-07-2007, 02:45 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Near London, England
Gender: Female
Posts: 374
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Not much to comment on here! Lol! It's another well written piece!!
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“If you had eggs in that womb of yours like normal women, perhaps we could have had kids. Oh no, it couldn’t be straight forward could it, just my luck to marry a baron woman.”
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There was something about this bit of dialogue I didnt like though. Can't quite put my finger on it. :/
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07-07-2007, 03:25 PM
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#4
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Best Seller
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 570
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Phew Az! I was worried for a moment it was the poetry piece you wanted looking at but I remembered you said short story. I'd have been buggered if it was poetry 
Well done Az.  Liked the style.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
this isn't finished. it's a section from a short story i'm working on at the moment. i'm trying a simpler voice here, to keep it personal.
Goodnight Children
“Elizabeth!”
She knew that the summons had come from the library and feared that her husband had discovered her little secret.
“Coming darling,” she shouted through, pulling her nightdress about her and rushing down the crescent staircase into bright light. The double-doors of the library had been thrown open. She could see the shadow of her husband, Albert, stretching across the carpet. “What is it, darling?”
“You know what it is,” he said, a hand leant on the bookshelf by the inside wall. “What did I tell you?”
Looking at it, think a full stop might be better in place of the comma after said.
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth rubbed her tired, old eyes against the brightness, standing as tall as she could. The puzzled look on her face had clearly not impressed her husband.
“Don’t come the all innocent with me.” He placed his finger on a book titled: ‘Caring for Cats’. “What did I tell you?”
Needs rewording I think.
Although she knew what her husband spoke of, she attempted to conceal the guilt behind a tired smile. “I don’t know what you—“
Albert swept the back of his free hand across her face and knocked the word from her lips. “Bitch,” he growled. Like much of the contents of the library, his face was leather-bound and creased. “The cats… I told you to get rid of those mangy cats.”
“Don’t hurt them.” Elizabeth had instinctively reached forward into his space as he had pulled the book out a fraction, tears trickling down her cheeks. She quickly pulled her hand to her side, realising she had overstepped the mark. “I couldn’t get rid of them, they’re my children.” The soft, compelling tone was lost to his ears.
He prodded her stomach. “If you had eggs in that womb of yours like normal women, perhaps we could have had kids. Oh no, it couldn’t be straight forward could it, just my luck to marry a baron woman.”
Maybe a question mark or full stop there.
“It’s not my fault.”
“Then whose fault is it miss know-it-all. It’s certainly not me, is it. Three brothers, two sisters… no… and how many children did that drunken father of yours produce?”
Maybe replace me with mine and end the sentence there, losing the other two words?
“Just me.” It cut deep to say it, even though she knew there was no reason to be ashamed.
“Just the one, yes, that’s right.”
“Please stop it… stop it…” Elizabeth was distraught, her mottled hands covering her face.
“Stop it, stop it,” Albert parroted.
Full stop here Az I think.
He pulled the book out further until he heard a click. Grasping the bookshelf in both hands, he tugged, edging the door open a fraction – enough to snake his fingers inside and flick the light switch in the hidden room. He was greeted immediately by a cacophony of mewls, meows and hisses. The stench of dried urine wafted out from inside. Albert rankled his nose, transferring his distain from the smell to his wife and then back again.
Would remove the comma Az, I think.
“How many of these flea-bitten mongrels are in there?”
“Thirty seven.”
“You are a stupid old woman. Can’t just have one like normal people, oh no, you have to have thirty fucking seven! How can you love this stink?”
Would consider ending the sentence there.
“It’s my only company… you’re away on business most of the time. What am I supposed to do? Hoover and dust all day? Watch TV? Please tell me, because this house is so big and I’m so alone here.”
“Who do you think you are talking too?”
Typo there I assume Az. One o needed.
“I’m just trying to explain,” she said, shrinking beneath her dressing gown.
“Get to bed!” |
Last edited by DavidGil : 07-07-2007 at 05:31 PM.
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07-07-2007, 03:50 PM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Sep 2004
Gender: Private
Posts: 1,748
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“Elizabeth!”
She knew that the summons had come from the library and feared that her husband had discovered her little secret.
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How does she know where the summons comes from? She is upstairs (and coming from darkness into light, presumably in a bedroom) and he is downstairs.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“Coming darling,” she shouted through, pulling her nightdress about her and rushing down the crescent staircase into bright light. The double-doors of the library had been thrown open. She could see the shadow of her husband, Albert, stretching across the carpet. “What is it, darling?”
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What did she shout through? Could she not simply shout? Why is the snippet of dialogue attached to her rushing down the staircase? Presumably, she shouted, then rushed down?
How does she know the double-doors had been thrown open? They were opened off-stage, so to speak. They're either open or closed, but who's to say they weren't opened gently?
You're following Elizabeth's point of view. You don't need to describe her seeing, just describe what she sees. So, instead of saying, "She could see the shadow of her husband, Albert, stretching across the carpet." you can simply say, "Her husband's shadow stretched across the carpet." You don't need to slow the sentence down with two commas just to introduce his name, you can do that by using his name in a speech tag when he speak just afterwards. With just the two characters, there's no risk of confusion.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“You know what it is,” he said, a hand leant on the bookshelf by the inside wall. “What did I tell you?”
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I still think you add too many trivial, irrelevant actions to your dialogue. Many of them add nothing useful to your story. They interrupt the dialogue, which would flow better without it, and slow down the pace.
Minor point, it was Albert who leaned on the bookshelf, not his hand. As written, it sounds as though his hand acts autonomously.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth rubbed her tired, old eyes against the brightness, standing as tall as she could. The puzzled look on her face had clearly not impressed her husband.
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All you need here is "What do you mean?" said Elizabeth. Her rubbing her eyes doesn't add anything worthwhile - if she doesn't rub them, the story doesn't suffer in any way. We get from the dialogue that follows that he's not impressed, so you don't need to state it here and then show it afterwards.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
Albert swept the back of his free hand across her face and knocked the word from her lips. “Bitch,” he growled. Like much of the contents of the library, his face was leather-bound and creased. “The cats… I told you to get rid of those mangy cats.”
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Why interrupt the dialogue here, in the middle of this this key dramatic moment, to give us a physical description of his face?
You don't need to add that it's his free hand. It's implied that his hand is free to perform the action. People have two hands. The reader will make the connection. You're spoonfeeding your reader unnecessarily.
Knocking the word from her lips draws too much attention to the writing. You can't literally knock the word from someone's lips, so it's figurative, but it doesn't add anything visual to the action that isn't adequately conveyed by his hand across her face. Use figurative language where it's most needed. Here it duplicates, slowing down the pace unnecessarily, forcing the reader to parse something for no gain, again interrupting a key dramatic moment.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“Don’t hurt them.” Elizabeth had instinctively reached forward into his space as he had pulled the book out a fraction, tears trickling down her cheeks. She quickly pulled her hand to her side, realising she had overstepped the mark. “I couldn’t get rid of them, they’re my children.” The soft, compelling tone was lost to his ears.
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He has only just struck her, and she responds, but already you have tears streaming down her face. The duration doesn't feel right. If you act out the dialogue, there doesn't seem to be time for the tears to be flowing.
How do we know the compelling tone was lost to his ears? You're dipping into Albert's point of view here. Besides, we get that from what follows, so you don't need to state it. You're telling, then showing what you've just told.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“Please stop it… stop it…” Elizabeth was distraught, her mottled hands covering her face.
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You ought to let your dialogue work harder for you here, in conjunction with any actions, to show that she is distraught, so you don't need to state it.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
The stench of dried urine wafted out from inside.
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You can drop 'from inside' as it's implied by the stanch wafting out.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
Albert rankled his nose, transferring his distain from the smell to his wife and then back again.
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That's an odd use of the word 'rankle'. Are you sure that's the word you intended?
Distain isn't a real word, did you mean disdain? If so, how does someone transfer disdain? It sounds made up.
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Originally Posted by Azmakna
“You are a stupid old woman. Can’t just have one like normal people, oh no, you have to have thirty fucking seven! How can you love this stink?”
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The use of 'fucking' seems inconsistent with the dialogue up until this point. He has already lost his temper and struck her face, and about the strongest word he's used so far is mangy.
Hope that helps.
Cheers,
Rob |
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07-07-2007, 04:24 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,826
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Quote:
“Elizabeth!”
Not a critique, just a pet peeve of mine. I dislike starting stories with dialogue. Of course there are always exceptions. Here I don't think it provides a good enough hook to warrant its use. I prefer to have context first. This leaves me in the dark of who is talking. The plus is that the line is very short, so it's no big deal.
She knew that the summons had come from the library and feared that her husband had discovered her little secret.
Maybe find a way to remove "that" from the sentence. It's one of my biggest problems. Someone just pointed that out to me recently. "that" can sometimes be unnecessary and make things wordier than they should.
“Coming darling,” she shouted through, pulling her nightdress about her and rushing down the crescent staircase into bright light. The double-doors of the library had been thrown open. She could see the shadow of her husband, Albert, stretching across the carpet. “What is it, darling?”
Probably should eliminate "through". It serves no really purpose. You can either delete it or possibly make it more specific that the husband is down stairs and she is in her room(?). That confusion is created because we don't who's talking in the beginning - ie. no context.
Two adjectives here read a bit wordy. Maybe cut one out. Or find more evocative way to describe her running down the stairs - describe it's effect physically maybe.
Could possibly delete "bright" - maybe the presence of shadow does well enough to elude to this bright light. Or maybe have her squint.
I know I've mentioned wordy twice. But it's not necessarily wordy in this case. It's more that adjectives are not very evocative words. So you have to find a way to enhance them through strong verbs combined with the adjectives or just stronger verbs that elude to the adjective. Or maybe what I'm getting at is that too many adjectives in a simple sentence becomes wordy, while a more complex sentence can afford to have more adjectives. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. But in general, the shorter the sentence, the less adjectives you should use.
“You know what it is,” he said, a hand leant on the bookshelf by the inside wall. “What did I tell you?”
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth rubbed her tired, old eyes against the brightness, standing as tall as she could. The puzzled look on her face had clearly not impressed her husband.
Probably should eliminate clearly. Probably should just eliminate that sentence, and let the husbands reaction show it. Or you could still use that sentence but combine it with the husbands reaction. I'd go with the former in this case because of the dialogue
“Don’t come the all innocent with me.” He placed his finger on a book titled: ‘Caring for Cats’. “What did I tell you?”
Although she knew what her husband spoke of, she attempted to conceal the guilt behind a tired smile. “I don’t know what you—“
Albert swept the back of his free hand across her face and knocked the word from her lips. “Bitch,” he growled. Like much of the contents of the library, his face was leather-bound and creased. “The cats… I told you to get rid of those mangy cats.”
I like the simile/metaphor here with the library and leather books
“Don’t hurt them.” Elizabeth had instinctively reached forward into his space as he had pulled the book out a fraction, tears trickling down her cheeks. She quickly pulled her hand to her side, realising she had overstepped the mark. “I couldn’t get rid of them, they’re my children.” The soft, compelling tone was lost to his ears.
I just notice you use past present a lot (had). Here I think it is unnecessary. Try to keep the tense in past as much as you can. It loses some urgency this way. Of course the best way is to try to keep it in active voice too. Maybe find a eliminate "quickly" or you can find a stronger verb - though the problem with that is sometimes the stronger verb just doesn't sound as a pulled"
He prodded her stomach. “If you had eggs in that womb of yours like normal women, perhaps we could have had kids. Oh no, it couldn’t be straight forward could it, just my luck to marry a baron woman.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“Then whose fault is it miss know-it-all. It’s certainly not me, is it. Three brothers, two sisters… no… and how many children did that drunken father of yours produce?”
“Just me.” It cut deep to say it, even though she knew there was no reason to be ashamed.
“Just the one, yes, that’s right.”
“Please stop it… stop it…” Elizabeth was distraught, her mottled hands covering her face.
probably reword the sentence so distraught is eliminated. Here you should show. Of course there's also good times to tell, but especially with feelings, you should show them, and especially during a scene.
“Stop it, stop it,” Albert parroted.
He pulled the book out further until he heard a click. Grasping the bookshelf in both hands, he tugged, edging the door open a fraction – enough to snake his fingers inside and flick the light switch in the hidden room. He was greeted immediately by a cacophony of mewls, meows and hisses. The stench of dried urine wafted out from inside. Albert rankled his nose, transferring his distain from the smell to his wife and then back again.
[b]distain=disdain? Otherwise I felt this was your strongest paragraph so far. I liked it a lot. I like the vividness.
“How many of these flea-bitten mongrels are in there?”
“Thirty seven.”
“You are a stupid old woman. Can’t just have one like normal people, oh no, you have to have thirty fucking seven! How can you love this stink?”
“It’s my only company… you’re away on business most of the time. What am I supposed to do? Hoover and dust all day? Watch TV? Please tell me, because this house is so big and I’m so alone here.”
“Who do you think you are talking too?”
“I’m just trying to explain,” she said, shrinking beneath her dressing gown.
“Get to bed!”
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I'll comment on plot when you finish. But so far I don't notice anything particularly off. The dialogue could be improved, but then again I'm terrible with dialogue also, so I have no suggestions. |
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07-07-2007, 05:27 PM
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#7
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 673
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Yep, the above criticisms from Rob and John I completely agree with especially the starting piece with the name "Elizabeth", I didn't get anything from it either Az.
However, I liked the story and could visualise all the story easily for 90% of it. I think it's a superb piece of writing and I am surprised at the standard on this site, truly amazing. Well Done Az.
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07-07-2007, 07:32 PM
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#8
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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It's not the standard...
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Originally Posted by Az
“Elizabeth!”
She knew that the summons had come from the library and feared that her husband had discovered her little secret. Is this a library in her house? Perhaps it's where I live, but it's not customary to do this. Make it clear, ok?
“Coming darling,” You could add a comma, but it's no deal. she shouted through, pulling her nightdress about her and rushing down the crescent staircase into bright light. The double-doors of the library had been thrown open. She could see the shadow of her husband, Albert, stretching across the carpet. “What is it, darling?” Looking into the rest of the piece, it's mostly about humans.. going out of your way to describe the scene ruins it. Go simple, like you said, and go uniform.
“You know what it is,” he said, a hand leant leaning, perhaps? on the bookshelf by the inside wall. “What did I tell you?”
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth rubbed her tired, old eyes against the brightness, standing as tall as she could. The puzzled look on her face had clearly not impressed her husband. I feel that...
“Don’t come the all innocent with me.” He placed his finger on a book titled: ‘Caring for Cats’. “What did I tell you?”If you lose the "the" before all innocent, it may come smoother. Also, it's not clear whether he's holding the book or if it's on the shelf. that really through me off a bit.
Although she knew what her husband spoke of, she attempted to conceal the guilt behind a tired smile. “I don’t know what you—“ Consider allowing her the rest of the sentence. it'll make her pitiful, still.
Albert swept the back of his free hand across her face and knocked the word from her lips. “Bitch,” he growled. Like much of the contents of the library, his face was leather-bound and creased. “The cats… I told you to get rid of those mangy cats.” Perhaps he'd curse more? Preference, I know, but I doubt this man would be as polite as I am sometimes. You're making him the devil- if this is just a short, thats fine, but if you plan on making it any longer than a few thousand words, I'm going to get bored of his atrocities.
“Don’t hurt them.” Elizabeth had instinctively reached forward into his space as he had pulled the book out a fraction, tears trickling down her cheeks. You mean his vicinity? Not the right word, just tell the reader she pulled closer to him. Throw in an adjective. She quickly pulled her hand to her side, realising she had overstepped the mark. What mark, exactly? “I couldn’t get rid of them, they’re my children.” The soft, compelling tone was lost to his ears. personal, make it Her soft...
He prodded her stomach. “If you had eggs in that womb of yours like normal women, perhaps we could have had kids. Oh no, it couldn’t be straight forward could it, just my luck to marry a baron woman.” Should be spelled barren, I think.
“It’s not my fault.”
“Then whose fault is it miss know-it-all. Loss of his tone here. Goes from a dry bastard to a yank who says miss know it all. It’s certainly not me, is it. Three brothers, two sisters… no… and how many children did that drunken father of yours produce?”
“Just me.” It cut deep to say it, even though she knew there was no reason to be ashamed. I don't think that last bit is necessary.
“Just the one, yes, that’s right.”
“Please stop it… stop it…” Elizabeth was distraught, her mottled hands covering her face.
“Stop it, stop it,” Albert parroted. Yes... and the emotion?
He pulled the book out further until he heard a click. Clear, make it that certain book, lots has happpened since he touched it. Grasping the bookshelf in both hands, he tugged, edging the door open a fraction – enough to snake his fingers inside and flick the light switch in the hidden room. What was the look on his face? He was greeted immediately by a cacophony of mewls, meows and hisses. The stench of dried urine wafted out from inside. Albert rankled his nose, transferring his distain from the smell to his wife and then back again. Do you have a hard time going simple? I've seen simple in your work at times, I hope you ingratiate it better into this one.
“How many of these flea-bitten mongrels are in there?” Mongrels. He goes from that cultured tone to an ignorant one back to "mongrels." After calling his wife a bitch.
“Thirty seven.”
“You are a stupid old woman. Maybe He'd exclaim first, or laugh a litte? Can’t just have one like normal people, oh no, you have to have thirty fucking seven! How can you love this stink?”
“It’s my only company… you’re away on business most of the time. What am I supposed to do? Hoover and dust all day? Watch TV? Please tell me, because this house is so big and I’m so alone here.”
“Who do you think you are talking too?” Pointed out before, but should be to.
“I’m just trying to explain,” she said, shrinking beneath her dressing gown. Was she looking up at him?
“Get to bed!” Ah, men like him need a retort before such things, not just a simple command.
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Some of it wavered, when you refine it, you'll give it the grace it needs. Hope this helps, fella.
Last edited by Voodoo : 07-07-2007 at 08:03 PM.
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07-07-2007, 08:16 PM
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#9
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Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 38
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I think the people above covered it pretty well, one thing that I bothered me was her saying "Darling" twice in a row, just didn't feel natural to me. I'd just change one to "Dear" or something... Not a big deal but I noticed it. Otherwise the story was interesting, would like to read the rest...
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07-08-2007, 11:44 AM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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thank you voodoo, david, ghon for your in depth analysis, and of course everyone else (and i do mean that). i feel i have to thank Rob especially though (hope you lot mind)... christ man that was a great critique and completely right. i'll get onto them after i've completed a little more of the story. this is the sort of feedback i love and need. if someone else had written: 'the library doors had been thrown open' guess wich word i would have been highlighted in blue! lol. THANK YOU ALL!!!!
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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