The Confession - Writers Forum

ERICK WITH NO K · 07-06-2007, 05:30 PM

This is a story I wrote for my Creative Writing class this past school year.
I'm 16 and I'm going to be in 11th next year.
This was the best story in any of the Creative Writing classes (9th through 12th grade) and it was passed out to all the classes and all the English classes.
I registered on this forum to share the story and get some feedback, so let me know what you think! :]
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The Confession
By Eric Striffler

I sighed heavily as I sat down across from Dr. Clauro. I put my hands in my pockets and leaned back on the long couch. I directed my gaze to the ceiling and stared at it as I began to talk.
“I acted without thinking today. I know I’m not supposed to do that and I know I’m supposed to work on it, but I couldn’t help it. I got really angry and it just happened.”
I paused, then continued.
“I stabbed someone. They were getting to me like no one ever got to me before. Constantly telling me that I was different, constantly telling me to do things I didn’t want to do. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I took a knife from home and stabbed someone.”
Dr. Clauro stared at me through his thin-rimmed glasses. His notepad rested on his lap, but he hadn’t written anything. I had only just arrived and I was already finished admitting what I had done. I was admitting it to myself really, trying to get myself to believe that I was now a killer. I continued my confession quickly at the risk of being interrupted.
“I didn’t plan on it when I woke up this morning. But before I left my house I just kept picturing his God damn face. I took a knife with me and left to see him.”
I paused again to breathe. I closed my eyes but continued again. I did not want to be interrupted. I wanted to finish my confession first.
“It felt great. I felt powerful. For once, I was in control. I watched him spit up blood, watched him writhe in pain, watched him stop moving, stop breathing, stop living. I watched him die.”
I opened my eyes again.
“And I would watch him die again all day if I could. I would keep playing it over and over, like it was a video tape.”
My eyes were beginning to water.
“Usually killers say they’re sorry, that they’d never do it again, that it was a mistake. I didn’t make a mistake. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was in my right mind. My right mind might not be so right, however. After listening to that son of a bitch constantly telling me things I didn’t want to hear, I might have become a little crazy.”
I sat up suddenly and shouted into Dr. Clauro’s face. His eyes were wide with fright.
“Who wouldn’t go crazy? Anyone would go crazy if they went through what I had to go through day after day! It’s madness!”
Someone opened the door and peered inside.
“It’s God damn madness!” I shouted again. I looked up to see who was coming inside. It was a woman I had never seen before. She was a bit heavy and wearing a shirt with a green and pink floral print on it. I remember because there was a plant of the exact same color next to the door. The tears welling up in my eyes blurred my vision a little, and as she looked into the room she seemed to blend with the plant.
“Is everything alright?” she asked in hushed tones. She was trying not to disturb my session. I did have to pay for this after all.
“No! Everything is not alright!” I stood up, but my knees buckled and I fell to the ground. I began to sob and shake uncontrollably.
“Nothing is alright.” I said through shivering teeth. Tears flowed from my eyes and onto the black carpet. I pounded the ground with my fists and cried harder. The woman walked towards me and rested a hand on my shoulder.
“Dr. Clauro, what is this all about?” She turned to face him and screamed.
Dr. Clauro was dead. My knife was sticking out of his chest.

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I hope you enjoyed it! :]
Again, please let me know what you think!
I will probably be turning it into a short film,
so look out for it on my YouTube page!
YOUTUBE.COM/ERICSTRIFFLERVIDS

Thank you for reading!

- Eric Striffler

PS. This is all fiction, I don't have deep emotional problems. All of the emotional breakdown stuff was obviously neccessary for the story to make sense. I actually have a FANTASTIC life haha.
I just wanted to let you know. ;]

Telcontar_Jack · 07-06-2007, 05:42 PM

Personally, I don't like swearing, but I have no problem if it's necessary in a story: Other than that (and adding details, like Dr. Clauro's features and the room's interior), this was very interesting. I liked it: To the point, a little background (though I'd give a bit more background in the future, in little thoughts and words), and a surprise ending. Very nice and well-written. It has a Edgar Allen Poe sort of end, which I dont' see very often. (They're a little hard to write, I should think...hum. Maybe I'll try that.)

Keep it up,
-Telcontar_Jack

Sock · 07-06-2007, 06:19 PM

I don't mean to sound like "that guy", but I saw it coming a mile away ( kind of; I thought he would kill him at the end, and say some line like "THAT MAN WAS YOU!", glad you didn't do that).

And don't take that harshly because, I really liked it. Reminds me a bit of a story I wrote a while back about a man who was in love with a woman who we learned in the end of the story was a little girl.

I think as a short film, this could be very interesting. I would definitely watch it if its made.

ERICK WITH NO K · 07-07-2007, 08:30 AM

Thanks alot for the feedback!
The only other time someone guessed the ending was before I edited the story and took out like, two lines.
Then since then most people didn't see it coming,
but as long as you get where I was going with the twist that's fine. ;]
There's always going to be some people who figure it out haha.

And yes, I'd like to turn it into a short film so we'll see what happens.