A Night for Two - Writers Forum

FinalsTwin · 07-06-2007, 07:03 AM

The night grew lighter for the young couple. Walking ever so slow through the city lights they see the stares. “Look at those two,” One fairly older man said as they walked past him. There was nothing that was going to stop them. Where they were going wasn’t really decided as of that present second but for them time was of no virtue. His long white hair blew past his soft pale face. A smile grew on it as if he was screaming out his happiness to those around him. He was happy that she was there, next to him, and she was not regretting anything. The once sad thoughts that had been choking her and not letting her breath the excitement was gone. She loved by someone. She put down her rubber bands as she had seen his arms. They were littered with the memories of the things that had hurt him the most but the thing that had really made her question the bands were his failed attempts. “How something could be so powerful yet hurt so much; love being broken, torn from your heart is the thing that has hurt the most,” LJ utters out as he glances her eyes stare at his arms through her dark fog of hair in front of her face. They moved almost hovering of the dark lanky streets. “Explain to me one thing Alex. Why have you come to follow me to the ends of the earth? I have come to look for myself but you are here with me. Why?” He asked not letting go of her soft skinned hand. She to a deep breath due to what she was about to say. There was a slight hesitation and then he heard what she had to say. “You and I have something in common. It may not be that present but there is a fine line that we share together like a ribbon on a present. You may not see what I am talking about but you can feel it when I am near you since I feel the same thing.”

He stopped to think about it and she nudged him to keep moving. “Should I really find out who I really am or should I remain the way I am…here with her by my side?” He whispered to himself. They stood at the park once more. “Come I want you to know something important!” Alex said dragging him to her favorite spot. They sat there on the green bench and stared up at the moons luminescent glow. The color was nostalgic but that was not why they were there. Alex turned to him and rested her head on his slightly higher shoulder. He smiled and placed his arm around her; he was keeping her warm from the night’s cool whisper. “There is something that I want you to know before you say anything more. Is that alright with you?” He murmured in a kind voice to her. “I will not hurt you. Not once or twice. You are mine and I don’t want you to feel like there is something that I am hiding. I will tell you anything that you want and I will do anything that you feel is needed.”

Her eyes stared into his and she could see the pain that was floating in the jewels of his eyes. “Why are you doing this? Why are you being so nice to me?” Alex asked almost tearing up. He slightly lifted her arm and looked at the red markings uplifted by the pain. He then looked into her eyes. “You died…deep inside. I am the one that has to resurrect the girl inside that has forgotten the meaning of living. You may have kept the promises but tell me Alex. Can you really be happy inside all that sadness?” He asked her slightly moving closer to her. She didn’t know what to say and he wasn’t expecting to hear anything. She let out a slight whimper and he held her tightly. They weren’t going back home. This night was theirs and theirs alone. “Now I shall bring you to the place that I go to calm myself.”

She nodded and he brought her to a lake that he always came to when he was younger. The sand was warm under their feet. He sat down near the water and watched as time drifted past them. “Why have you come to like me?” Alex whispered in a polite voice. He let her sit on his lap. “The reason why I love you so is because like you told me. We share something unforeseen.”
He fell backwards onto the slightly onto the soft mound of sand. She laid there on his chest listening to the slight rattles of his heart beating. Watch the sun rise was the thing LJ had in mind. He placed his arms tightly around her stomach and moved her closer to his face. Their lips pressed together and her eyes closed knowing that she was with someone who thought that she was the only thing in the world that truly mattered.

I posted this on another site but now its time to be added here! Tell me what I am doing wrong because I know there has to be something wrong with it.

Telcontar_Jack · 07-06-2007, 05:37 PM

Right. I'd change the beginning first off. Describe the city. Give the reader a hint of the feeling you are trying to evoke through your adjectives and adverbs. Describe the weather, and use colorful, personifying words, like "playful breeze" and mournful gale."

Pretty much my advice is to stick it up into Microsoft Word and let the computer edit the bulk of this for you. It has potential, but it's confusing and runs into itself alot:

Quote:

She loved by someone. She put down her rubber bands as she had seen his arms. They were littered with the memories of the things that had hurt him the most but the thing that had really made her question the bands were his failed attempts. “How something could be so powerful yet hurt so much; love being broken, torn from your heart is the thing that has hurt the most,” LJ utters out as he glances her eyes stare at his arms through her dark fog of hair in front of her face.

This is run together. There are few breaks, and in a few places the reader cannot tell who is saying what or who is who or what they mean by their words.

Good job though. You clearly have an idea here that you want to convey, but it's not quite coming through. So, pop it into MS Word, edit, and post it again. Then we can work on the nitpicky things, like "Does this word fit the mood?" and, "Is this too wordy?" and, "Should I cut out this phrase?"

Grammar and puncuation are necessary for a story to be physically read properly, but in order to get your point across, the right word is incredibly important.

Keep it up,
-Telcontar_Jack