Untitled - A girl sees a ghost. - Writers Forum

Johnna · 07-05-2007, 04:04 PM

I'm not quite sure what this is... I wanted to write a short story and I had to start somewhere. Go ahead and rip this apart.

Ana decided quite early in the morning that she was going to kill her dog. Not really, of course, but she was going to lock the puppy in the basement for the night—she wouldn't quit barking. Her shrill little yaps pressed against Ana's ears, making it difficult to concentrate on anything.
The screen door opened with a bang and Ana stood in the doorway, hands on hips. A whistle, and the yippy dog trotted up to her, sniffing her feet and whining.
She knelt gracefully and ran her fingers through the dog's coarse black fur. She whimpered, and the sound was so pitiful that Ana picked her up, cradling her fragile form like a mother to a child.
"It's alright, Babydoll," she crooned. "Is there someone out there?" She glanced around nervously; the backyard was silent, dark, and still. Of course there was no one out there.
The screen door slammed behind her; clicks followed as she locked that door, and then closed the heavy wooden door and locked that. Babydoll's growling was accompanied by an odd, keening sound deep in her throat.
Ana stared at her pet, fear rising in her throat. Babydoll wasn't very protective; why would she be so jumpy at things in the yard? Ana shook her head, a shiver of fear wracking her small frame.
She walked into the living room. The room was comfortingly messy in the best of times, and even more so in the middle of the night while Ana was home alone. She flipped on the overhead light and all three of the lamps before sitting in the big armchair in the corner.
The television buzzed oddly when Ana turned it on, and she sighed. Flipping through the channels with Babydoll in her lap, she tried to ignore the noise, but it refused to go away. With a twitch of her thumb, the television went blank. The noise continued.
Ana's heart leapt, and she pressed her back against the back of the armchair, drawing her feet up off the floor. Babydoll cried freely now, and Ana felt it, too; the oppressive tingling of being watched. The buzz continued, and a shadow twitched in the far corner of the room. Ana's head turned sharply, her eyes focused on that corner, trying to make out what had moved. There were no shadows there.
"I'm being silly," she said out loud. She tensed, half expecting someone to answer her, when no one did, she sighed and got up. "C'mon, Babe. I bet the cable connection's loose."
She fiddled with the cords coming out of the back of the TV for a minute, but the noise continued. Sighing loudly again, Ana walked into the kitchen, fed her dog, and opened the fridge.
The buzzing was louder in here—was it the fridge? No; when she stuck her head inside of it, the noise lessened.
The noise suddenly got louder, and was accompanied by an odd pulsing sound. Babydoll backed into a corner, abandoning her food bowl—something Ana had never seen her do. Ana joined her there, the junction of the two walls against her back comforting her slightly. Fear raced through her brain and fluttered in her gut; her breath came harshly, and she saw the shadow again.
It was on the far side of the kitchen table, and it wavered in the air, from floor to ceiling. Once, twice, thrice it pulsed, in sync with the oppressive noise, and Ana watched in horror as a hand, ghastly white and pockmarked, reached somehow out of the shadow-thing.
Babydoll had gone silent as if she, too, sensed that they did not want that thing near them. It was emerging from the shadow now, a shoulder, a bare foot on the floor.
It revealed itself fully a moment later; Ana couldn't have moved if she had tried. The creature had the semblance of a woman, with that white, pockmarked skin stretched taut over long legs and firm breasts, but this was no woman. Its head was bald and its eyes shone green as it looked around the room, baring fangs.
Luckily for Ana and Babydoll, the creature didn't seem to realize that it could look up or down; it surveyed the room at eye level and, seeing nothing (as Ana was crouched on the floor), it turned and walked stiffly through the far door, moving in jerks.
The noise was gone and the shadow faded. Fear slowly drained out of Ana, for she knew that the creature had left the house and would not be coming back. How she knew, she couldn't say, but she did.
Nevertheless, she packed up her things and spent the night at the neighbors' house.

Thanks for reading.

Truth-Teller · 07-05-2007, 04:10 PM

Awww.

Dam!

The very first sentence had tremendous potential--but then, the second, went for the cop-out. You had me with that hook.

Unfortunately, the rest did not deliver.

SecretSam · 07-05-2007, 04:17 PM

Creepy!

Johnna · 07-05-2007, 04:19 PM

It was originally going to be about killing her dog, but I just... didn't see that happening in one of my stories. I don't like puppy-cide. Thanks for replying.

Truth-Teller · 07-05-2007, 04:21 PM

If you don't do it, I will.

Johnna · 07-05-2007, 04:22 PM

You seriously want to see a story about puppy-killing? I'd write it if you're truly interested...

Truth-Teller · 07-05-2007, 04:32 PM

Yes, go for it.

Continue after the first sentence. Show me some character and real tension.

Horror.

Azmakna · 07-05-2007, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnna

I'm not quite sure what this is... I wanted to write a short story and I had to start somewhere. Go ahead and rip this apart.

Ana decided quite early in the morning that she was going to kill her dog. Not really, of course, but she was going to lock the puppy in the basement for the night—she wouldn't quit barking. Her shrill little yaps pressed against Ana's ears, making it difficult to concentrate on anything.

absolutely fantastic opening line! talk about grabbing the reader and then p*****g them off! still, i'll read on because there's still a question here, but still feel a bit let down by your trick. think of something else.

The screen door opened with a bang and Ana stood in the doorway, hands on hips. A whistle, and the yippy dog trotted up to her, sniffing her feet and whining.
She knelt gracefully and ran her fingers through the dog's coarse black fur. She whimpered, and the sound was so pitiful that Ana picked her up, cradling her fragile form like a mother to a child.

nice contrast with her intent. was this an accident or are you thinking this deeply? by the end of the sentence, i knew who whimpered... be careful here. lose these they take away the immediacy. 'with her'

"It's alright, Babydoll," she crooned. "Is there someone out there?" She glanced around nervously; the backyard was silent, dark, and still. Of course there was no one out there.

The screen door slammed behind her; clicks followed as she locked that door, and then closed the heavy wooden door and locked that. Babydoll's growling was accompanied by an odd, keening sound deep in her throat.

needs revision

Ana stared at her pet, fear rising in her throat. Babydoll wasn't very protective; why would she be so jumpy at things in the yard? Ana shook her head, a shiver of fear wracking her small frame.

OTT

She walked into the living room. The room was comfortingly messy in the best of times, and even more so in the middle of the night while Ana was home alone. She flipped on the overhead light and all three of the lamps before sitting in the big armchair in the corner.

'there was comfort in the familiar mess within, especially on a night that she had been left home alone.'

The television buzzed oddly when Ana turned it on, and she sighed. Flipping through the channels with Babydoll in her lap, she tried to ignore the noise, but it refused to go away. With a twitch of her thumb, the television went blank. The noise continued.

lose this. nice deliberate break in transition. it works

Ana's heart leapt, and she pressed her back against the back of the armchair, drawing her feet up off the floor. Babydoll cried freely now, and Ana felt it, too; the oppressive tingling of being watched. The buzz continued, and a shadow twitched in the far corner of the room. Ana's head turned sharply, her eyes focused on that corner, trying to make out what had moved. There were no shadows there.

we know she is sat down. lose this

"I'm being silly," she said out loud. She tensed, half expecting someone to answer her, when no one did, she sighed and got up. "C'mon, Babe. I bet the cable connection's loose."

She fiddled with the cords coming out of the back of the TV for a minute, but the noise continued. Sighing loudly again, Ana walked into the kitchen, fed her dog, and opened the fridge. The buzzing was louder in here—was it the fridge? No; when she stuck her head inside of it, the noise lessened.

The noise suddenly got louder, and was accompanied by an odd pulsing sound. Babydoll backed into a corner, abandoning her food bowl—something Ana had never seen her do. Ana joined her there, the junction of the two walls against her back comforting her slightly. Fear raced through her brain and fluttered in her gut; her breath came harshly, and she saw the shadow again.

lose this. is she in the corner?

It was on the far side of the kitchen table, and it wavered in the air, from floor to ceiling. Once, twice, thrice it pulsed, in sync with the oppressive noise, and Ana watched in horror as a hand, ghastly white and pockmarked, reached somehow out of the shadow-thing.

OUCH! 'three times' lose this.

Babydoll had gone silent as if she, too, sensed that they did not want that thing near them. It was emerging from the shadow now, a shoulder, a bare foot on the floor.
It revealed itself fully a moment later; Ana couldn't have moved if she had tried. The creature had the semblance of a woman, with that white, pockmarked skin stretched taut over long legs and firm breasts, but this was no woman. Its head was bald and its eyes shone green as it looked around the room, baring fangs.
Luckily for Ana and Babydoll, the creature didn't seem to realize that it could look up or down; it surveyed the room at eye level and, seeing nothing (as Ana was crouched on the floor), it turned and walked stiffly through the far door, moving in jerks.

small point. the dog would not want it near IT, not them. think of another simpler way out of this slight difficulty lol

The noise was gone and the shadow faded. Fear slowly drained out of Ana, for she knew that the creature had left the house and would not be coming back. How she knew, she couldn't say, but she did. Nevertheless, she packed up her things and spent the night at the neighbors' house.

Thanks for reading.

you disappointed me at the beginning and then half heartedly hooked me again. the hook had no effect on the story at all though. you then sort of lost steam at the end and just put a full stop! all in all though a good piece a practice. keep it up.

Truth-Teller · 07-05-2007, 04:34 PM

Why are you stalking me for Gods sake.

And with the strikingly similar critique also. *shudders*

Azmakna · 07-05-2007, 04:37 PM

could you please move along, i'm talking to a writer.

DavidGil · 07-05-2007, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnna

You seriously want to see a story about puppy-killing? I'd write it if you're truly interested...

Johnna, ignore him. I haven't read your piece yet but I will when I have time and such.

Would take Az's advice as well. Always gives a thorough critique

KaiBailey · 07-05-2007, 07:55 PM

The writing, it seems to me, could definitely be improved upon, but you do know how to describe such a horrid feeling. In the middle there, I almost cackled with the joy of such a creepy feeling, I loved it!

As I said, it should be worked on, but you have reason to be proud of this peice.

You entertained me, at least.

Johnna · 07-06-2007, 12:26 AM

Thank you very much, Azmakna. I'll definitely go back and fix the stuff you pointed out. However, when you say "think of another simpler way out of this slight difficulty" what do you mean? (Sorry if I'm being really dense here.)

Kai, I had to stop writing in the middle for a few minutes because I was alone in a dark room and was getting scared of my own writing.

Thanks for reading.

Reading back, I really do need to change the second line. I see how the reader would feel let down.

KaiBailey · 07-07-2007, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnna

Kai, I had to stop writing in the middle for a few minutes because I was alone in a dark room and was getting scared of my own writing.

Thanks for reading.

Hahaha! See? You were into it! That's fantastic writing! That's how writing should be

ERICK WITH NO K · 07-07-2007, 08:38 AM

This reminds me of a video I made about 2 months ago that's fairly popular on YouTube.
It gets maybe 500 or more views per day since I put it up (the first week it rocketed to 25,000).
It's similar because of the reaction of the dog and all that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3kLyi-BtdI