Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-04-2007, 09:27 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 17
Telcontar_Jack is on a distinguished road
Toromwe's (or Telcontar_Jack) take on the Skeezix Dilemma part II

Quote:
Tourniquet | The Skeezix Dilemma Part II (The Improbable Testimony Of The Pipsisewah)
[I. The Suffering]
Skeezix bloated in petulance from the night's debauch
Wields his mutated feline frame down from his arboreal watch
Space 109 is always occupied by the countless faces who tried and tried
Bruises from an unseen source as chronic abuser runs his course
There is no remorse

Sinewy limbs reach through the bars to collect the carcasses of souls
Given over the deeds of infamy, Skeezix took his toll

The ungainly truncated form of the docile Pipsisewah
Subtle in demeanor yet with powers that beggar description
They call him by different names
Some call him Gilgamesh, the man who has never tasted death

The size of the room is half as large cause you walked around it twice
And you walk again with both eyes shut cause your fears became your vice

[II. The Battle]
Tormentor underestimating the power of the Pipsisewah
Confrontation on the grandest scale the outcome already known
The child whose humble prayer set the battle of ages
Torment no more

[III. The Victory]
We call him Jehovah who's always near
And you can win the battle when you pray without fear
The weak are victorious when the strong reaches down
And the ones who bring sadness will bow to the Crown
Those are the lyrics this story is based off. Now for the story itself.
-------
"The weak are victorious when the strong reaches down, and the ones who bring sadness, will bow to the Crown.."

The grey sky looked dark and somehow defeated, like a general's eyes after he has lost too many troops. Treetops reflected the hopeles steely skies dully, and branches of oak, ash, and beech sighed like mourners in the sharp, fluctuating wind.

The trees were lined up at the edge of a small field, in which the blue green grass looked like a choppy sea as it blew this way and that. There was nothing across from the woods but an old, half-crumbled wall of dark grey green stone with a half smashed gate of steel bars, with fleur-de-lis on the tops, creaking and swinging in the mournful wind.

The wall looked as if it had once been proud, with armed men marching through its stern gates, and sharp-eyed sentries on the walltops and in the grim, squat towers (now half-gone from wars and decay) that were placed every two or three hundred feet along the wall. Now, however, it was a humble ruin, as desolate and bare as the wind sounded-a mere sigh of its former battle-cries.

Abruptly, a little boy, clad in a white t-shirt and ragged grey jeans burst from the trees, running through the two-foot high grass in zigzag fashion. He darted towards the swinging gates as a sinewy, feline scarecrow figure lunged from the forest behind him with an enormous hiss and a rasping yowl.

The boy was at least eight or nine, with wide blue eyes, fair tousled hair, a snub nose and a square chin. His round, sullen-looking little face was tight and pale, as if he were afraid of something, and he never looked back at the gangly shadow that tore after him with hisses and spit flying from its dark jowls. Wherever the spittle fell, the grass turned brown and withered, as if there were a selective drought.

The child, now ten-odd yards from the gates, began to slow, his pathetic body tired already from the long chase. The Skeezix, the shadowy, gaunt figure that chased the child, gave a roar of triumph!-too soon. The child reached the gates, half sobbing, half gasping a prayer:

"Please, Jehova, Who's always near, I pray, save me- *gasp* I fear not..." The child stumbled through the gates as the Skeezix reacehd for him futilely. The Skeezix flung back its head and bellowed in rage, its lean back arched in anger and despair.

From within the gates burst forth a warrior, clad in shining steel armor, like a knight's. He was tall and powerful, with a kind, stern sort of face, lined with life and age: high cheekbones, square chin, brown compassionate eyes, and a hawklike nose. He had short brown hair spattered with grey, cut somwehat raggedly, and was carrying a sword and shield, both at least three quarters his size. He bellowed,

"Jehova jireh! (The Lord will provide!)"

Warrior Gilgamesh looked up at the towering, scarwny Skeezix with a grim smile and murmuerd, hefting his sword,

"Hello beastie."
------
Riiight...so...uh, to quote, "I hope you hate it."
-Telcontar_Jack
EDIT: I fixed some spelling errors...and I forgot to add the word count. 505 words.
__________________
"Nobody move!...I dropped me brain!"
Pirates of the Caribbean, At World's End

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYIsErMv8no

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRcj6CAhe7s

"In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, here goes...I mean Amen," said Ransom, and hurled the stone as hard as he could into the Un-man's face.
-C. S. Lewis, Perelandra <---I love that...

Last edited by Telcontar_Jack : 07-05-2007 at 08:26 AM. Reason: errors; additions
Telcontar_Jack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-06-2007, 02:52 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 17
Telcontar_Jack is on a distinguished road
Sorry for the double post:

Umm... *looks around; sees tumbleweeds*
If it sucks, say so. If you like it, say so. I'm kind of hesitant to comment on other's work (except for grammatical errors and such) because I'm not too picky about different styles and whatnot unless the style does not fit the content of the story.

In other words, I'm a shy little n00b who'd like some feedback and would be more than willing to help you with your spelling and whatnot.

-Telcontar_Jack
__________________
"Nobody move!...I dropped me brain!"
Pirates of the Caribbean, At World's End

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYIsErMv8no

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRcj6CAhe7s

"In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, here goes...I mean Amen," said Ransom, and hurled the stone as hard as he could into the Un-man's face.
-C. S. Lewis, Perelandra <---I love that...
Telcontar_Jack is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:16 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers