Hymn To Her: Sarcasm Of The Mind and Heart - Writers Forum

CrimsonFlame12_35 · 07-04-2007, 02:26 AM

Hymn To Her: Sarcasm Of The Mind and Heart

Pigeons fly like a sparrow sings. Not as well as one mind could think. The river was overflowing with anger as I walked past. The moon was shining bright but the glow in her eye was ten times brighter. She is as fare as a snowflake but as strong as the hand of god. Without her I would probably lose my head. She is good to me and I try to be the same to her. This does not always work out.

She was stolen from me by the bandits of hate. They broke through the chains of love. Now my hands are empty, empty as my heart. But I will find her. I will do whatever it takes to get her back. People call me crazy behind my back. I know that they do. They don’t need to though, as I am a man. I wish they would just tell me in front. I lost my love and now I am losing trust of this world. But, it is too late to go back now. I will find my love, or I will lose my mind. I say that with all the truth I have in my soul.

I will travel to the bottom of the deepest valley and to the top of the steepest mountain. Nothing anybody can throw at me will slow me down. My muscles don’t pull me through this. They are not what give me the strength to get up and take another shot. I am running on love and love only. Any feeling that comes to me I will just let pass. Just like the breeze of a cold winter night. Come to me Ramona. Please come to me. I don’t just want you, I need you.

I am not known to be an angry man. How can I be with Ramona next to me? It was just the two of us, walking and in hand. We were together minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, year after year, and now we are apart. But, she still lives inside of me. I can still hear the sounds of those bells tolling. Before she left, she whispered in my ear, “If the time is right, our eyes will meet again, but now, just as every yesterday we have ever known, I must go.” Then she vanished before my eyes. At that very moment I knew it was up to me to bring her back. She still seemed so close, but she was out of my reach.

A storm is closing in. I can feel it in the air. But it will not disturb my journey. I know exactly where I am going, but I have not the slightest of ideas of where I will end up. Some people might call this place eternity, others may call it the end of time. But, no matter what you call it, no matter what words you use, it is still my destiny. I have blood in my eyes and ice in my veins. My throat is as dry as the ground I am walking on. Even the finest of whiskey would taste like rain. Rain bringing hate cast down from the heavens.

She is an angel, a nymph. She is the warrior child of the Gods. She is everything I ever could have dreamed of and more. That’s why she is gone, because she was more. I got tangled up in the times. I took too much for granted and now I am paying the price. I see this now. For everything that is gained, something is lost. But what is lost can be found. She disappeared from my view, but I will return to her. But, as a wiser man than when she left. You learn more from experience than you can by just hearing talkers speak words of their own making. Even if those words are spoken by the greatest teacher in all of time, because time is an illusion.

I have been hit with more than any man ever should. Now, as I look into the river’s mirror, I see a face, not a face of the man I once was, but a face of the man I need to be. I lost my one true love yet, in the same instant, I found myself. Ramona did not leave to hurt me, she left to make me stronger. The storm is speeding closer, I must move fast.

I feel I’ve reached the end of my journey, because as I guessed, the storm is here. Ramona, come to me! I will never make it through this storm. Ramona is so close, I can almost feel her lips on mine. Ramona! Ramona! As soon as I am out of this storm, I will finally be able to rest in your arms. Ramona! Ramona! I love you. You must feel the same way about me. You have almost certainly seen me on this journey of love and of hate, of smiles and of tears, this journey known as life. I am here now. Will you take me in? Ramona… Ramona… Ramona.

Frabes · 07-04-2007, 11:35 AM

Your premise is interesting, but it could be executed better. People aren't going to read between the lines if they only get two lines in before they stop reading.

Your first few paragraphs are a barrage of similes, metaphors, and personification. When used sparingly, these can be effective, but when they comprise most of your opening paragraphs, you've got a problem.

It sounds to me like you're trying to wring too much out of a narrow subject. If you want to salvage this, lose some of the metaphors and try to write honestly, not in clichés.

penguinsfly03 · 07-04-2007, 03:44 PM

I'm not sure I found a story in there. It was a lot of metaphors that should have stopped in the first sentence. It's like I only needed two aspirin to get rid of my headache and you gave me eighty.