short story - Writers Forum

Butch · 07-01-2007, 02:57 PM

Here is just a little extract from a story i am writting at the moment

Wesker came across two bodies on his way back to the base; to his horror, they were those of Barnes and Davis, broken and damaged, almost unrecognisable with the amount of gashes and holes in the torn flesh. Still Wesker knew who they were.

“Noo, fuck, argggh” said Wesker as he slammed his clenched fist into the hard, forsaken ground.

He felt immediate anger surge through him as he saw his two young rookies lying lifeless against the huge trees, he was still crouched next to Barnes, looking at his expression, his mouth was twisted and open, as if he couldn’t believe what he saw before he was murdered, his one eye, wide with fear, the other had been ripped out, only soft, mushy skin remained.

To tell the truth, he guessed they were Barnes and Davis and when he pulled the dog tags off from around their necks, he was horribly proven correct. He gripped the dog tags and he held them close, he would make these monsters pay for what they had done, even if it killed him, even if he had to tear this place up to find these cold hearted killers, he would, and when he found them and killed them, he would burn them. Actually, he might keep them alive for when he burns them and even though he had just found two of his team members, distorted and dead, he smiled; he could not resist it, the thought of what he was going to do to these monsters made his body tingle with delight.

As i said that is just a tiny bit of my story but i would like people's opionions on it please, so feel free to comment on it. thanks.

~Kouryuu~ · 07-01-2007, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

Here is just a little extract from a story i am writting at the moment

Wesker came across found might work better two bodies on his way back to the base; Start a new sentance here. to his horror, they were those of Barnes and Davis, broken and damaged, almost unrecognisable with the amount of gashes and holes in the torn flesh. Still comma here Wesker knew who they were.

“Noo, fuck, argggh” simply "Fuck!" is good. Cut the rest. said Wesker as he slammed his clenched take this out. Its not needed. fist into the hard, forsaken Take this out too. ground.

He felt immediate anger surge try fill instead. through him as he saw his two young rookies lying lifeless against the huge trees,Take out these. New sentance. he was still crouched next to Barnes, looking at his expression, his mouth was remove twisted and open, as if he couldn’t believe what he saw before he was murdered, Start a new sentance here. his remove and start here --> one eye was wide open with fear, the other had been ripped out, and only soft, mushy skin remained.

To tell the truth, he guessed they were Barnes and Davis and when he pulled the dog tags off from around their necks, he was horribly proven correct. Try: to be honest, he was only guessing that they were Barnes and Davies. He gripped the dog tags and he remove held them close, new sentance. he would make these monsters pay for what they had done, even if it killed him, even if he had to tear this place up to find these those cold hearted killers, he would, and lose this too. when he found them and killed them, he would burn them. Actually, he might keep them alive for later when he burns burned them and even though he had just found two of his team members, distorted and dead, he smiled; new sentance maybe he could not resist it, new sentance here toothe thought of what he was going to do to these monsters made his body tingle with delight.

I hope that helped some. I like the story. Sounds interesting! ^_^

Butch · 07-01-2007, 03:16 PM

thanks, that helped a lot.

~Kouryuu~ · 07-01-2007, 03:20 PM

You're very welcome! I liked the idea of this and how it started. A man on a revenge rampage! Woot!

Rob · 07-01-2007, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

Wesker came across two bodies on his way back to the base; to his horror, they were those of Barnes and Davis, broken and damaged, almost unrecognisable with the amount of gashes and holes in the torn flesh. Still Wesker knew who they were.

You say they were barely recognisable, but he recognises them anyway, then you come back to this later and again cast doubt but he recognises them. So the net effect of all the talk about them being barely recognisable is not much, because he recognises them. I would chop it. I don't think your story suffers at all if he simply recognises them. The extra words slow down the pace for no real benefit.

You might consider rearranging this a touch to convey what you're after more directly, e.g.:

Wesker found the mutilated bodies of Barnes and Davies on the way back to base.

You can elaborate on the details from here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

“Noo, fuck, argggh” said Wesker as he slammed his clenched fist into the hard, forsaken ground.

The ground is just the ground. Does it really need to be hard and forsaken? Forsaken isn't visual, so it doesn't do much for you anyway. Hard, well, I guess most times the ground is hard, so maybe you don't need it. Maybe he just punches the ground. That shows just as well in my book.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

He felt immediate anger surge through him

Anger is a feeling, so of course he felt it, but you can express it directly:

Anger surged though him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

even though he had just found two of his team members, distorted and dead, he smiled; he could not resist it, the thought of what he was going to do to these monsters made his body tingle with delight.

I didn't find this convincing, given the picture you've just described, to have him smiling, not even at the thought of what he would do. The guy is angry, he's just found the mutilated bodies of two young rookies. Maybe smiling isn't the most appropriate facial expression here.

Cheers,
Rob

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butch

Here is just a little extract from a story i am writting at the moment

Wesker came across two bodies on his way back to the base;(.) To his horror, they were those of Barnes and Davis, broken and damaged, almost unrecognisable with the amount of gashes and holes in the torn flesh. (re-write this or just delete it) Still Wesker knew who they were.

“Noo, fuck, argggh” said Wesker as he slammed his clenched fist into the hard, forsaken ground.
Delete these. Also start spacing your work more, it makes it easier to read.

He felt immediate anger surge through him as he saw his two young rookies lying lifeless against the huge trees,(.) He was still crouched next to Barnes, looking at his expression(.) His mouth was twisted and open, as if he couldn’t believe what he saw before he was murdered,(.) His one eye wide with fear, the other had been ripped out, only soft, mushy skin remained.

To tell the truth, he guessed they were Barnes and Davis and when he pulled the dog tags off from around their necks, he was horribly proven correct. (Rewrite this or delete,not needed) He gripped their dog tags and he held them close, (.) He would make these monsters pay for what they had done, even if it killed him(.) even if he had to tear this place up to He would find these cold hearted killers, he would, and when he found them and killed them, he would burn them ( Maybe better : found them he would kill and burn 'em.) Actually, he might just keep them alive for when he burns them and even though he had just found two of his team members, distorted and dead, he smiled; He might just burn em alive, he could not resist it, the thought of what he was going to do to these monsters made his body tingle with delight.

The last line is very nice, tingle with delight

As i said that is just a tiny bit of my story but i would like people's opionions on it please, so feel free to comment on it. thanks.

Butch, this is a good start. Check out my corrections and make the changes you see fit. This has potential.

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 03:26 PM

Wow, you guys are fast... I was critiquing and by the time I had it posted you all had yours up already...

Oh well, They're are all similar..

Butch · 07-01-2007, 03:34 PM

Thanks a lot, all of you, this really helped.

~Kouryuu~ · 07-01-2007, 03:38 PM

lol!!! We're trusty critiques!!! :]

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 03:38 PM

You are very welcome Butch.

Please take a moment and read a couple of my stories. Thanks in advance.

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 03:39 PM

Kouryou, hahah your right, we are ....