An Infidelity - Writers Forum

Firebird · 07-01-2007, 03:00 PM

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teflon · 07-01-2007, 03:10 PM

This piece lacks romantic excursions which are perfectly justified by your style.

Quote:

But things hadn’t been equal for Suzie for sometime...when his guard was down

- The quotes illustrate unfounded omniscience, which made the narrative sound like a lead-in for a moral. A piece like this (which is good enough) can stand on its own by letting readers go along with the dialog and descriptions of the characters' actions, nature, etc

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Firebird

It was early spring and John and Suzie felt reinvigorated by the suns fresh rays. It was only about 17 (write this out) degrees, but it felt almost tropical as they climbed the mountain path through the trees. Suzie playfully pinched John under his chin and said ‘chub, chub’ and smiled. ‘Stop it!’ He said laughing. ‘What is that anyway?’ She laughed and said nothing. A few moments later John pinched her under her chin and said ‘chub chub … Now we're equal, whatever your joke.’ But things hadn’t been equal for Suzie for sometime. She immediately chubbed him again. A few moments later, he chubbed her back. She retaliate(d), but he stopped her. Now constantly having to fend her off, John said, ‘lets have a truce. I’ll let you chub me one more time if you agree to stop this then. OK?’ She said nothing, and then chubbed him again. ‘Now it’s over,’ he said impatiently. A few moments later, when his guard was down, she chubbed him again. ‘Stop it,’ he said sharply, ‘you are really starting to piss me off.’ No longer trusting her, he walked off ahead. Now and then, she tried to creep up on him, but before she could get close enough to chub him, he speeded up. When she started to lag behind, thinking it was impossible to get close to him, he slowed down, not wanting to lose her completely.

As their accent (ascent) became steeper their game became more and more strenuous. Eventually, John allowed Suzie to catch him up, and said, ‘I’ll let you chub me.’ She waited for a few seconds and then pinched him under the chin and said ‘chub, chub.’ After this, she chubbed him one more time and then lost the impetus to continue. Nearing the top of the mountain now, they passed, in silence, one of those icy patches of snow that never really melt (a glacier).

I am not sure where you are headed with this but it is missing something...Flair perhaps. Read it again and try and add a bit of sex-appeal or romance...Keep at it and I'll have another look tomorrow night.

Firebird · 07-01-2007, 04:59 PM

Teflon, thank you for your advice - it was very useful. I have had a think and changed a few things. It would be great if you could get back and let me know what you think. Thanks, firebird.

Funwriter, thanks for reading and commenting. Maybe the changes might help you to understand what I am getting at.

Thanks,

Firebird.

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 05:02 PM

Ok, I'll keep checking then.

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 05:26 PM

"They kissed slowly, only moving from the neck upwards; it was as if they'd forgotten their bodies."

I don't like this part, sorry, just awkward. I would delete it . If you keep it, use up in stead of upwards and end the sentence there. Start the next sentence with a cap.

It is getting better though.

Feel free to read and comment on some of my work.

Firebird · 07-02-2007, 02:36 AM

Thanks all for the feedback.

Best wishes,

Firebird.