Originally Posted by Funwriter

Darkness and the howl of my pack, I must join them for their call is instinctive and indelible. Rushing through the forest I am closer, picking up their scent. The cold wind rattles through the trees and I run with it, almost soundless. There is another scent now one fearsome and strong, bittersweet, I feel my blood rush, a female. Finally I have found her and she will be mine(.) I put on more speed.

a fragment can work, but this gets lost midway through. i'm not entirely sure about this word. i would be interested in why you chose it. you know! don't edge your bets. pick a word that says ecxactly what you want. this is perfectly good practice for a first draft though, it will help you find that word later.

I woke from my haunting dream, Sahmir softly touching my shoulder. “Old one, we’ll arrive soon.” I nodded rubbing my eyes. “The dream again?” he asked. “Yes, I was close this time and her scent was so strong.” “Old one, do you really believe there is a female, one of your kind out there somewhere?” “Sahmir, I know there is, and like the chalice, I will find her.”

if you've done your job, this is not needed.
*

Lithe and elegant, she glided across the room with shocking speed, not walking but floating, in a blur she was there. Her skin was light brown and her hair full, dark as a stormy night. In the old language she spoke, it sounded like haunting music coming from her mouth.

'lithe and elegant, she glided across the room.' either that or add something new. you say the same thing two or three times. (in one way or another) cut this for punch. Yoda makes another appearance. i just don't like this. up to you.

She held him above her, one thin beautiful hand around his bullish neck. His feet kicking and eyes bulging with fear; “If we are not in Petra on time, I’ll squeeze the miserable life out of you, you mortal dog,” she whispered in Armenian. With a flick of her delicate wrist the large man went flying across the room, hitting a wall and crumbling to the floor.

'fearful' put this after 'time' think about what this wrist just did. lose it

With a brush of wind, she was back at the table reading a leather bound book. The book was ancient and worn. On one side it was ideograms and symbols and on the other it looked to be Hebrew or Farsi. “Is the airplane ready Mahit?” “Yes mistress,” a soft answer came from a shadow in the corner. "Then get the things ready and have us in the air within an hour or I’ll flay your hide."

'brush of wind' is weak and the transition is a bit fast!!!!!

Mahit stood and quickly left the room heading towards the exit of her mistress’s luxurious offices in Dubai. She too had dark lovely hair but there were streaks of grey now. She moved towards the elevator with sure solid steps, fit and graceful. Only when you looked into her sad onyx eyes did you see her true age and suffering. She had been a slave since childhood and obeyed her mistress with an accuracy none could approach. For this discipline and attention to detail had kept her alive where many had fallen.

'sure'

She stepped out of the air-conditioned lobby, soft leather shoes making no sound on the polished granite floor. The heat hit her hard and she ducked quickly into a wide Bentley, “the airport please,” the driver nodded and drove the shining shuttle forward. Mahit always was respectful to those around her and through this had a loyal team, something her mistress never understood.

there is no point of mentioning this if they make no sound. flip this sentence needs some attention.
**
The sleek Lear jet was fueled and ready. Mahit turned from the cockpit and her mistress was standing behind her a marble statue, not breathing or blinking. She could never get used to her speed and soundless movement. She informed her that the plane was ready and the doors open. They could take off at her command.

you see, this modifies the statue for a reason, although some would still argue that it doesn't matter (maybe even me) sleek does nothing at all for the jet. the statue or her?

“Let it be done.” Mahit leaned in and kindly informed the pilot he could exit the hanger and begin take off procedures. She turned around to see her leader’s response but she was no longer there, she had already retired to her private chamber in the rear of the plane. Sitting down and clicking her seatbelt shut Mahit took a deep breath and relaxed. She closed her eyes and was soon dreaming of freedom.

The flight to Jordon would be quick.

***

Kahlandra felt the mist creep up around her limbs. The smell of the male was getting stronger. With the graceful lunge of her hind legs she leapt and attained the cliff top. Closing her eyes she sensed him and she felt warmth flood her body. She was older than him that she knew for sure. She saw what he saw now and felt him fighting the power, he had not accepted what he was, the fool. His thoughts hers now she knew he was seeking her and wanted contact. A chill struck her; he was searching for more than just her, he was looking for the cup, the chalice. He mustn’t get it, it was her destiny not his.

are you talking about a horse here?

At that moment the decision was made. This Demon, this one like her was an enemy and must be removed from this world, nothing could stand in Kahlandra’s way, nothing.

*
A bump of turbulence woke her up, the pilot would pay for this insolence. The thought of him begging for mercy made her smile. She went back to sleep, and again she was beautiful, truly beautiful.

Originally Posted by Mairi

You're right, Az--we are like opposite sides of the same coin. Except that it is a three-sided coin. . .

**scratches head**

Well, that analogy usually works.

You know, I never stop analyzing everything I read, either (especially my favorite novels), though I focus more on the story itself, like you said. I always hope that I can learn something by pondering every little nuance and what it means to me.

This brings to mind the differences between the male and female ways of doing things that we were discussing earlier.

Men = technical (but not always)
Women = emotional (but not always)

Mairi

Originally Posted by FW

The pain was excruciating and the usual ache in my joints was there in spades. My mouth was dry and I was covered in a dark red almost black coppery crust. I rose painfully from the dais and stumbled to the mirror. Opt for limiting it to coppery. And, what mirror?

My long black hair was full of burrs and encrusted with dark dried blood. I reeked of death. Stretching, my body cracked loudly and I noticed the scratches already beginning to heal. The full moon gone and I now have just over three weeks to continue my research. "Reeking of death, my hair was covered in burrs and dried blood. Also, you change tense suddenly, from had to have.

The hot bath felt wonderful and I always wondered how something so simple could bring such pleasure. Bad form. Add a comma, mate.Scrubbing hard with an old volcanic stone the thick red crust became slime and washed away. Using too many boring adjectives.Lying back, I tried to remember the last few days. It was never easy when the transformation took over; my mind reverted back to its animal basics. Surely, a fellow german such as yourself can do better than basics? Perhaps basal instincts? Over the centuries I was able to remember more and more and function better, now always able to return home. What?
*

I was bitten while on a Portuguese ship charting the new world. We had anchored at a lovely cove off what is now an Island South of Goa and made land to begin essaying the island. We were well into it when night came, and that is when the demon attacked. Is essaying the correct word? Hmm. The demon. Nothing better? The tyrant of the night, the pledger of our fears.

We had eaten well, enjoyed a port too many and sleep came fast. The smell of the sea always makes a man sleep deep. Change, and it wasn't subtle. It needs to be paralell- We'd eaten well, drank too many ports, and fell asleep. Simple yes, but it works.

I was young then, only 22 and the lead essayer. Back then we achieved much early in life and lived short hard lives. Repetition of the LIVE/LIFE.My crew had done well and I saw no reason to worrycomma for we had seen none of the unusual dragons and tigers we had heard tales of.

I was wrong though, for what came was much worse than any giant lizard or tiger. They need not be giantd, as you stated in the last paragraph.
*

The screaming woke me with a start and I saw it, a flash of fur and gaping jaws. My faithful crew fell fast though hardened by travel and well trained. I was confused for a second. That shouldn't be. Hardened by travel and well trained don't connect.One got off a shot with his flint and another slashed well with his blade, but both were quickly taken down. lose this sentence. Please.

I'd been sleeping next to the fire and was struggling to exit my thick cape when It came at me with lithe arrogant speed; I raised my arm in defense. I fell back over a log we had used to sit on and somehow the beast and I cart wheeled over with it landing in the middle of the coals and what was left of the fire. Very run on, unclear, and tacky.

Emitting a strange preternatural howl, the giant animal disappeared in a wash of thick hair and an odor of burned rotten flesh. You can do better than burned rotten flesh.
*

Vomiting, I gathered my senses and looked around, a throbbing pain in my forearm. Thus far, the telling hasn't been terribly informal, so you should stick to the concept of good grammar. Our camp was a mess and my crew down and and and. kill these bastards.and most half eaten. The monster had started silently and got its fill before the rest of us awoke. give it some bloody mystery, don't call it the monster.

The rest was a blur; I gathered what I could of our provisions and headed back to our ship in the landing craft. The skeleton crew we had left behind on the ship was shocked at my tale and we hurriedly set sail for Lisbon. It's too fast. They eyed me strangely for the first few days but were back to normal after awhile. space between a and while.The captain who worked under my orders as head essayer was more than happy to make the voyage home.
*

Three and a half weeks later, with Southern Europe not yet in sightcomma things began to change commaand I fell ill. I remember looking up and seeing the moon almost full, and shuddering. You could tell of change without "change."
*

The Spanish found our ship afloat with me being, still, improve.the lone survivor. I told a tale of Turkish raiders and of a battle lost to viscous pirates. Somehowcomma the pirates had left me for dead. Somehow the Spanish believed me; maybe because the truth was simply more unbelievable. somehow somehow, I'm wearing a cowl. Kill me.

That is how I made my way back to the mainland and the rest is history. What? That flash?
*

So, here I am in the bath contemplating my next step. Over the centuries I have studied the phenomena that blighted blights me and have comecame up with one solution. After reading one arcane book after another, I finally had a lead.

not your fault, you know what you should do
I have a lead.

I came up with something that cross-referenced possible cures for my dark illness. The problem is the remedy. The remedy is a mystery, a myth. The narration is very dirty as of yet.One that everyone believes in but no one can prove. This cure could be the only chance I have of becoming mortal again, of putting an end to my anguish.
This cure, well, is the cup of Christ. Yes, I know, it brings a smile to oneapostrophes face. The fact is, I have to believe in something, and this is surely my solution, my repast. The diction wavers from punch drunk to historical.

It is said in arcane writings that the cup, the chalice of Christ can curecure what? herpes? everything?. Here is the good part now, listen close; it is said the cup of Christ can exorcise the demon. Is that not what I am, what I became on that island ages ago off the Indian coast? DIRTY, clean yourself off man!

So, I am seeking the Grail and have been for nearly a hundred years, ninety eight to be exact. It started as a lucky find hyphen? a small mention of the healing powers of the cup; the more I dug the more I found hope.

According to legend, the cup Jesus Christ used at the Last Supper (when exhorting his apostles to vampirism) was saved by a certain Joseph of Arimathea. Joseph, for reasons incomprehensible to anyone but himself, used the cup to catch some stray blood dripping from Jesus during the Crucifixion.
Subsequent to this, Joseph took off for parts unknown, where he eventually deposited this cup in a weirdly unreachable location for safekeeping... Against whomever. what the fuck is weirdly doing here?
*
Over the centuries I have accumulated and spent many a fortune. Now I will use my vast wealth and experience to mount a search, the most incredible search of all time; the search for the Holy Grail. I will find the chalice and when I do, I will rescue my soul! who the fuck are you talking to?

**

Pin-ping, a sound wakes me from a red nightmare that is the bitter reflection of my life. The Captain turned off the seat belt warning and now we can move around on my private jet; it’s of medium size and full of leather, polished wood and luxuryluxury what? a prostitute flying in class?. I never took to flying and hate being in the air. I am afraid this is the result of my ancient sensibilities at play. I have a good crew who I’ve come to trust and of course Sahmir, my faithful assistant. PLEASE> I hate to be like this, but this is dirty as hell, mate. choppy.

I found Sahmir in the dusty ghettos of Marrakech. A young Berber waif who wasmaking his bread? living off pick pocketing tourists and the sale of anything he could get his hands on. He was only eleven then and had mastered four languages. Ah, add a bit of climax to the sentnece, switch it around.His savvy streetwise toughness and quick honest smile made me give him a chance. I took him in and honed his talents and offered only friendship, education and respect. You say you helped him, but ONLY offered something. Change that to REQUESTED OF HIMHe took to honest work and research fast. He truly enjoyed reading scrolls and manuscripts and became a proper student. Soon he was doing translations at an amazing rate and became an invaluable resource to my cause. ... and what of your illness? what did he do when he found out?

I got him into Oxford and over the years he has aged and become a companion of sorts. Now he is greyed and in good shape for a man in his early sixties. Long, lean and dark, there is wisdom in his lined face and onyx eyes. He is perhaps the only human alive who knows my secret.

Sahmir would assist in all my affairs and sadly gave up the life of a scholar to help me with my search. He never had time for a wife though there were women. He somehow remained stalwart and true in his promise to help cure me and give me back my mortality. Too much time on him thus far. Make him a secondary character, which he should be. Not the primary.

I got up and stretched comma noticing Sahmir still sleeping snoring a bit more than I remembered. superfluousI went to the bar and poured cold water and squeezed a lemon squeezed some lemon juiceinto the glass, seeds flying. Ninety eight years of research and finally the beginning. Our first stop would be Israel, Palestine to be exact. This reads like a B movie, mate. sorry. I have hopes for the revision /

*
Landing in Tel Aviv was like dropping into a shoddy dust bowl, transitionwith a bump and a screech we were safely on the ground. The tower had given us clear orders and had set a hangar aside for us to disembark inin which to disembark?. Coming out of, keep this piece formal the door and onto the steps comma I was hit by a blanket of dry heat. At the bottom of the stairs the customs folks were there and the crew were already handing over papers. I rarely ever had any interaction with officials.
If he's so old, why does he speak like an apathetic tourist?
The sun reflected off the tinted glass of the low slung armoured limousine too much elementary description- go pro, hit it hard but fast. Don't linger.and I looked out at the wash of humanitycomma seeing nothing. I broke from my daydreamcomma surprised by a huge wall and gate system, the driver bickering, transitionSahmir was offering cash to the guard. We were now moving away from the West Bank and into the Palestinian zone, the kingdom of Judea, in my day Canaan. ...yeah? so?
*
Our meeting was with an Imam named El Hasar Bamihr, transitionhe was to double check an ancient codex we hadobtained with we hoped a clue. It was written in old Arabic and there were only a handful of freelancers that could translate it properly for us. There were many scholars who could do this but they tended to be curious and jaded. Okay. This has no point. Its a girl's cell phone bill.

The old Imam was stooped with Rheumatism and had an odd limp. He looked to be over a hundred but the hard life and potent sun here made one age fast. He stooped over his marble table shakily holding a magnifying glass. He muttered something. Though good with Arabiccomma, and does good with arabic sound right? I could not understand him. Sahmir leaned in close and whispered back, “What holy one, what did you say?” LINE BREAKThe ancient little Imam turned and said in clear modern Arabic “in Petra lies the cornerstone, when Allah shines be supine and the way to redemption is clear.”

He smiled a toothless grin and placed a shaking hand on my shoulder.

With shocking speed he withdrew his hand from my shoulder as if being burnt. His face went ashen and he turned as if to run then collapsed to the stone floor.Cliche, repetitive.

I quickly reached down to examine the Imam and felt a slow but steady pulse. The door opened with a crash and a group of clerics stormed inperiod, line break “What has happened here?” they demanded quickly surrounding Sahmir and mepiss grammar, that.. Sahmir spoke quickly in Arabic explaining how the elderly Imam had simply collapsed, but I knew different, I knew exactly what had happened for it had happened to me before. Some mortals, very few indeed are mediums and with a touch they see what I truly am, what I became those many centuries ago. this is lacking because its not a sentence, its a run on thought. They see a demon. The Imam is very old and he simply fainted from the fear of what he saw.

I was afraid I would have to use my preternatural powers to assist in our escape, when the old man stirred and began to mumble in Arabic about modern monsters.

We carefully and diplomatically made a quick retreat mentioning I had another appointment, at first I thought they would attempt to hold us captive but a young cleric looked me in the eyes searching and delegated in loud clear Arabic, “they may go: get our brother some cold water.” emphasize the bloody emotion, and add a connective word after appointment

*
Cruising at a decent speed decent speed? nope. a good speed?through the ghettos, the sleek limousine filtered the cacophony of sounds and smells. I was lost in thought when the wall and gates appeared, we were moving back into the west bank now and towards the airport.

Our next destination was Petra in the country of Jordon.
You fellows don't talk much, do you?

Darkness and the howl of my pack, I must join them for their call is instinctive and indelible. Rushing through the forest I am closer, picking up their scent. The cold wind rattles through the trees and I run with it, almost soundless. There is another scent now one fearsome and strong, bittersweet, I feel my blood rush, a female. Finally I have found her. And she will be mine, I put on more speed. fast, b movie, repetitive, and bad grmmar. axe this 'graph, mate.

I woke from my haunting dream, Sahmir softly touching my shoulder. “Old one, we’ll arrive soon.” I nodded comma rubbing my eyes. “The dream again?” he asked. “Yes, I was close this time and her scent was so strong.” “Old one, do you really believe there is a female, one of your kind out there somewhere?” “Sahmir, I know there is, and like the chalice, I will find her.” Line breaks, destupify the dialogue.

*

Lithe and elegant, she glided across the room with shocking speed, in a blur she was there. Her skin was light brown and her hair full, dark as a stormy night. In the old language she spoke, it sounded like haunting music coming from her mouth. Poor word choice, and bland descriptions. You'd kill the world for this trick, right? Give her what she desverves. Make it sexy. Make it horny.

She held him above her, one thin beautiful hand around his bullish neck. His feet kicking and eyes bulging with fear; “If we are not in Petra on time, I’ll squeeze the miserable life out of you, you mortal dog,” she whispered in Armenian. With a flick of her wrist the large man went flying across the room, hitting a wall and crumbling to the floor.

With a brush of wind,everything begins with "with." she was back at the table reading a leather bound book. The book was ancient and worn. learn to incorporate the same sentences TO BE the same sentences.On one side ideograms and symbols comma, lose the andand on the other it looked to be Hebrew or Farsi. “Is the airplane ready Mahit?” “Yes mistress,” a soft answer came from a shadow in the corner. "Then get the things ready and have us in the air within an hour or I’ll flay your hide." commas, line breaks

Mahit stood and quickly left the roomcomma heading towards the exit of her mistress’s luxurious offices in Dubai. She too2 commas had dark lovely haircomma, lose the NOW but there were streaks of grey now. She moved towards the elevator with sure solid steps, fit and graceful. Only when you looked into her sad onyx twice I've seen this...eyes did you see her true age and suffering. She had been a slave since childhood and she obeyed her mistress with an accuracy none could approach. For this discipline and attention to detail had kept her alive where many had fallen. make this sentence part of the last one.

She stepped out of the air-conditioned lobby, soft leather shoes making no sound on the polished granite floor. The heat hit her hard and she ducked quickly into a wide Bentley, you know what that is...“the airport please,” the driver nodded and drove the shining shuttle forward. Mahit always was respectful to those around her and through this had a loyal team, something her mistress never understood.
**
The sleek Lear jet was fueled and ready. Mahit turned from the cockpit and her mistress was standing behind her a marble statue. what?She could never get used to her speed and soundless movement. She informed her that the plane was ready and the doors open. They could take off at her command.

“Let it be done.” Mahit leaned in and kindly informed the pilot he could exit the hanger and begin take off procedures. She turned around to see her leader’s response but she was no longer there, she had already retired to her private chamber in the rear of the plane. Sitting down and clicking her seatbelt shut Mahit took a deep breath and relaxed. She closed her eyes and was soon dreaming of freedom.

The flight to Jordon would be quick. I pray so.

***

Kahlandra felt the mist creep up around her limbs. The smell of the male dick? was getting stronger. With the graceful lunge of her hind legs she leapt and attained How does someone attain a clifftop?the cliff top. Closing her eyes she sensed him and shelose the she, its useless. a dredgery. felt warmth flood her body. She was older than himcomma that she knew for sure. She saw what he saw now and felt him fighting the power, he had not accepted what he was, the fool. WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING FROM HER POV NOW?His thoughts hers what?now she knew he was seeking her and wanted contact. A chill struck her; he was searching for more than just her, he was looking for the cup, the chalice. He mustn’t get it, it was her destiny not his. bah. repetitive, grammar sucked, boring.

At that moment the decision was made. This Demon, this one like her was an enemy and must be removed from this world, nothing could stand in Kahlandra’s way, nothing. Good god, nope. The last sentence should be murdered in the woods

*
A bump of turbulence woke her up, the pilot would pay for this insolence. The thought of him begging for mercy made her smile. She went back to sleep, and again she was beautiful, truly beautiful. you try too hard to make her a villain.