The Lions Head(Working title) - Writers Forum

Stuart1512 · 06-30-2007, 06:24 AM

Part 1

I drove up to the castle in my old rundown car that I ought to fix sometime, the place had been converted from an old dusty castle to a brand new hotel. The place was called The Lions Head I dunno why it was called that maybe because a king once lived their who was as brave as a lion.
The old Impala coughed black smoke from its engine as I continued to make my way towards the old castle, the car seemed to slow as I drove up the steep hill “c’mon” I grunted in frustration then finally made my way to the castle then stopped the engine and got out of my car. The air seemed clean and the wind swept back my long black hair, I slowly walked towards the edge of the hill and peered down at then whistled “Pretty big drop” I muttered to myself; I stood up then started to make my way towards the castle where I noticed a young girl standing outside the porch that had been built in front of the threshold, she was wearing a lime green dress and had long brunette hair and amber eyes.
She was probably a couple years younger than me, I made my way towards the girl who smiled as I came near her she brushed hair out of her eyes then held out her hand which I shook “Hello Mr Lantham” the girl greeted me.
“Hello” I greeted back “Who are you?”
“My name Is Juliet” she replied back “I’m the maid at this hotel, you better get inside before it starts to rain Mr Lantham”
“please call me John” I reassured her
“Ok, come in John” she said while opening the door, I stepped on the wooden porch which was probably old mahogany which had been smeared with some kind of paint grease to make it look new, I sniffed and it definitely reeked off something “What’s that smell?” I asked Juliet who was now on the other side of the door “it’s the new paint we applied, the smell will be gone once it rains” she said with a smile.
I stepped behind the door and sighed then whistled “This place is huge” I complimented, Juliet took a match that was hidden in one of her pockets then struck it and placed it on a lantern that was on the other side of the door “its even bigger when you walk around” she said almost happily, I took out a tape recorder from the inside of my coat then pressed play button “I’ve entered The Lion’s Head Hotel and so far seems so normal” I muttered into the small box then pressed stop.
“What is that for?” Juliet asked me
“Nothing you should worry about just a little experiment I’m doing” I replied politely.
I slipped the tape recorder back into my jacket then folded my arms, Juliet went behind a counter and bent down and started to search for something and pulled out a coupe of white blankets that where huge and smelt like they had jut came out of the dryer “I’ll show you to your room Mr Lantham after I’m done changing a few sheets, tell me what is your interest in The Lion’s Head?”
“This and that” I replied “When’s supper?”
“ ten o clock, that’ll give you enough time to get changed”
I moaned then made my way for the door and turned my head back to Juliet “I left my brief case in the trunk I’ll only be a minute” I told her then opened the door and felt the wind brush my face and once again swept my hair back I’m going to need a good hour long comb tonight if this keeps happening, I counted my distances from here to the Impala in my head then ran I could feel the tape recorder bouncing against my chest and hoped that it hadn’t accidentally pressed the delete button.
I took the Impala keys out of my jean pocket then walked behind it and opened the trunk, but before opening I heard a weird noise and pressed my ear onto the trunk and listened, what I heard was the sound of something squeaking I removed my head from the Impala trunk then shrugged it off and placed the keys into the trunk turned and paused; I thought it was nothing but creepy superstition then opened the trunk and a look off horror struck my face as I saw probably more than twenty or thirty rats off all different colours running around and squeaking “What the hell!” I shouted with a look of anger on my face, the rats all at once as if in unison started to pour out of the trunk onto the floor and maybe suffering from a slight concussion if rats can get those.
The vermin ran past my feet and one of them tried to ran up my leg but I kicked it off, I watched all off the critters run down the path where I had come up then as soon as they where gone grabbed for my tape recorder “Weirdest thing just happened” I said with a sort of mad chuckle “a thousand rats just came bursting out of my trunk, and another weird thing was that I didn’t hear them when I left for the hotel”
I pressed stop then placed the tape recorder back into my pocket and sighed then reach for my brown brief case which had golden encrusted initials of my name J.A.L, I picked it up opened it to make sure that none of the vermin had managed to get in then closed it.
I closed the Impala’s trunk then locked it and made my way back to the hotel just noticing heavy rain clouds strolling over the sky as I walked, I lifted up my jacket to my nose as I stepped on the porch and brought it down as I stepped back into the hotel.
Juliet was standing there with her arms folded under her chest, she greeted me again “If you follow me Mr Lantham I will show you to your room, what took you so long”
“Rats” I said with a mad smile creeping on my face the same kind you have when you tell a funny joke inside your head and everyone turns around to look at you “Rats” I muttered again, Juliet gave a little school girlish tickle then we came to a fleet of stair cases after making are way through a couple hallways.
“Follow me its not far” she instructed
I followed her up the stairs both of feet making sounds that almost seemed to rhyme we continued to walk then one flight of stairs became another and another pretty soon we had almost walked three or five pairs, I could feel sweat growing on my forehead and pulled out a small cloth with my initials stitched in blue wool which seemed to go well with the white, I dabbed my forehead then placed it back into my pocket.
Juliet didn’t seem to be minding the long walk then stood at a large wooden door with black hinges and an old bronze door knob she looked at me with a look off disappointment and didn’t even look tired from the walk.
“First time walking castle stairs?” she asked
“Yes” I muttered with sighing as I rested for a bit with my head down and my hands resting on my knee caps, she placed her hand gently on the door knob and turned it “Your room awaits” she said politely; she opened the door and It seemed to creek loudly hey I wouldn’t complain either if I was strapped to some old hinges.
She went in first through the door then I soon followed, I noticed something that set my nose on fire then used my jacket and put it over my nose to cover it from the stench “What the hell is that” I said in a muffled voice
I didn’t get an answer but the lights in the hallway came on, the place was small with three doors on either side off the room and a cobbled stone floor with a red rug placed over it the kind that a celebrity might walk down on a premier. Juliet was standing at the end of the hallway in the middle of two pairs of lanterns that she had lit, She smiled at me then raised her hand and pointed it left “Your room Mr Lantham” she said again with that same politeness, I walked along the hallway with my jacket covering my nose and went to the third doorway on the left where she had pointed to.
The door was just like the old door from before but it looked brand new apart from the hinges, I noticed a lock on the door and felt a tap at my shoulder, Juliet was standing their with an old bronze key in her left hand and brushed some of her hair out her eyes “You’ll need this”
“I see” was my only reply.
I took the key then turned it in the lock and waited until I heard a clicking sound, I opened the door but it moved stiffly, the rooms smell was nicer than the hallway and porch, I placed my briefcase down on the ground and closed the door before thanking the girl.
The room was bigger than I expected, lying in the middle was a king size bed and above was a chandelier with lots of crystals attached to it, there was a TV standing on a small wardrobe that faced the bed, the windows where double glazed and where barred like a criminals window was in a police station. The weird thing that caught my eye was that there was an air vent up above the bed which gave off a humming sound probably spreading air condition through the place from another room.
I noticed there was another door next to the bed which was a small bathroom that only had a white silk, a shower and a toilet, there was also an air conditioner in it too like the bedroom. I snickered then decided to use the toilet, the humming was lower than the sound the one in the bathroom made and I started to hum while taking a crap to drown out the sound.

thats what i got so far but theres going to be mini chapters about Lanthams life before he came to the hotel.

Mairi · 06-30-2007, 07:21 AM

Hmm. You have an interesting premise developing here, with lots of plot hooks and tension gradually building. It seems like a good start to a story, and left me curious about what would happen next.

A couple of pointers:

Watch the run-on sentences. I would break them up into smaller sentences, and make sure that each has a single subject. Make sure that there are no unnecessary words or grammatical errors that might clutter them up and distract the reader from what is going on.

For instance, this sentence:

Quote:

I took the Impala keys out of my jean pocket then walked behind it and opened the trunk, but before opening I heard a weird noise and pressed my ear onto the trunk and listened, what I heard was the sound of something squeaking I removed my head from the Impala trunk then shrugged it off and placed the keys into the trunk turned and paused; I thought it was nothing but creepy superstition then opened the trunk and a look off horror struck my face as I saw probably more than twenty or thirty rats off all different colours running around and squeaking “What the hell!” I shouted with a look of anger on my face, the rats all at once as if in unison started to pour out of the trunk onto the floor and maybe suffering from a slight concussion if rats can get those.

Might become this passage:

Quote:

I took the Impala's keys out of my jeans pocket, then walked behind it to open the trunk. I paused, keys in hand, as I heard a weird noise inside. I pressed my ear to the trunk and listened.

Something inside was squeaking. I started to place the keys into the lock, then paused. Maybe it was nothing but creepy superstition.

I shrugged and opened the trunk. More than twenty or thirty rats of all different colours were running around and squeaking. I jumped back in horror.

“What the hell!”

As one, the rats started to pour out of the trunk. They seemed a little stunned as they hit the ground.

See how much easier that is to read? With some cleaning up and tightening the story really starts to shine. It is more clear to the reader what is going on if you minimize the amount of information that you present.

Make sure that you don't overwhelm the reader with too many details, or use a word too frequently. For instance, you only need to tell the reader once that the car is an Impala (if it is necessary to tell the reader what type of car it is at all). Thereafter, you can just refer to it as the "vehicle," or the "car." Simple but effective.

It is also important to make sure that you have a clear picture in your mind of each character and who he or she is, and that the things that they say and do are believable, based on their personality and motivations. The characters should feel like real, complete people in your mind when they are fully developed.

One good way to revise a story is to keep cutting. Remove words, sentences, and even whole sections that you don't need in order to tell a good story. Only by carving away the extra fluff and digging for the bare bones of the story can you really bring it to life and make it an unforgettable experience for the reader. Tiny bits of powerful imagery and little snips of detail can go a long way in painting an interesting picture of what is going on in the reader's mind. Think of your story as the set of a movie. What effects would really bring out the mood and portray the characters and their story? Emphasize those important points and minimize the rest.

That said, I think that you have the start of something good here. I like the setting and the sense of mystery and suspense that you present. You have a good sense of mood and a fun and creative idea to work with.

Keep working on it--I would like to see how this develops!

Mairi

Stuart1512 · 06-30-2007, 07:30 AM

How would Flashback chapters work? i'm going to do a couple of them detailing John's life while at work etc before coming to The Lions Head.

Azmakna · 06-30-2007, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuart1512

How would Flashback chapters work? i'm going to do a couple of them detailing John's life while at work etc before coming to The Lions Head.

avoid that at all cost! flashbacks can work, but sometimes they come over as lazy writing. start your story at the flashback.