Seeking To Exorcise the Demon (Part 1, rough draft) - Writers Forum

Funwriter · 06-29-2007, 10:40 AM

Seeking To Exorcise the Demon

The pain was excruciating and the usual ache in my joints was there in spades. My mouth was dry and I was covered in a dark red almost black coppery crust. I rose painfully from the dais and stumbled to the mirror.

My long black hair was full of burrs and encrusted with dark dried blood. I reeked of death. Stretching, my body cracked loudly and I noticed the scratches already healing. The full moon had gone and I now have just over three weeks to continue my research.

The hot bath felt wonderful, something so simple can bring such pleasure. Scrubbing hard with an old volcanic stone the thick red crust slowly washed away. Lying back, I tried to remember the last few days. It was never easy when the transformation took over; my mind reverted back to its most animalistic. Over the centuries I was able to remember more and function better, now always able to return home.
*

I was bitten while on a Portuguese ship charting the new world. We had anchored at a lovely cove off an Island South of Goa and made land to begin essaying the island. We were well into it when night came, and that is when the demon attacked.

We had eaten well, enjoyed a port too many and sleep came fast. The smell of the sea always makes a man sleep deep.

I was young then, only 22 and the lead essayer. Back then we achieved much early in life and lived short hard lives. My crew had done well and I saw no reason to worry for we had seen none of the unusual dragons and tigers we had heard tales of.

I was wrong though, for what came was much worse than any giant lizard or tiger.
*

The screaming woke me with a start and I saw it, a flash of fur and gaping jaws. My faithful crew fell fast though hardened by travel and well trained. One got off a shot with his flint and another slashed well with his blade, but both were quickly taken down.

I was sleeping next to the fire and struggling to exit my thick cape when It came at me with lithe arrogant speed. I raised my arm in defense and fell back over a log we'd used to sit on. The beast and I cart wheeled over the log, with it landing in the middle of the coals and what was left of the fire.

Emitting a strange preternatural howl, the giant animal disappeared in a wash of thick hair and the smell of burned flesh.
*

Vomiting, I gathered my senses and looked around, a throbbing pain in my forearm. Our camp was mess with my crew down and most of them half eaten. The monster had started silently and got its fill before the rest of us awoke.

The rest was a blur; I gathered what I could of our provisions and headed back to our ship in the landing craft. The skeleton crew we had left behind on the ship was shocked at my tale and we hurriedly set sail for Lisbon. They eyed me strangely for the first few days but all returned to normal after awhile. The captain, who worked under my orders as head essayer, was more than happy to make the voyage home.
*

Three and a half weeks later, with Southern Europe not yet in sight things began to change and I fell ill. I remember looking up and seeing the moon almost full, and shuddering.
*

The Spanish found our ship afloat with me the lone survivor. I told a tale of Turkish raiders and of a battle lost to viscous pirates. The pirates had simply left me for dead. Luckily the Spanish believed me.

That is how I made my way back to the mainland and the rest is history.
*

So, here I am in the bath contemplating my next step. Over the centuries I have studied the phenomena that blighted me and came up with one solution. After reading one arcane book after another, I finally had a lead.

Kyrie · 06-29-2007, 03:51 PM

It's interesting, but I think it lacks a bit of flow. Of course this is rough draft so I understand that this needs some brushing up. The next piece for example..

Quote:

The rest was a blur; I gathered what I could of our provisions and headed back to our ship in the landing craft. The skeleton crew we had left on the ship was shocked at my tale and we hurriedly set sail for Lisbon. They eyed me strangely for the first few days but were back to normal after awhile. The captain who worked under my orders as head essayer was more than happy to make the voyage home.

Very good sentences, but it would read better if you could link them with commas, maybe change them a little bit for a better flow.

Azmakna · 06-29-2007, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

Seeking To Exorcise the Demon

The pain was excruciating and the usual ache in my joints was there in spades. My mouth was dry and I was covered in a dark red almost black coppery crust. I rose painfully from the dais and stumbled to the mirror.

aches in spades are bad bedfellows. i would rething the whole first sentence. when you are selecting words read them slowly and take note of how your mouth moves from one letter to the next. lets take an exampe : 'Low rider' you will notice that your mouth will form an OO on the final letter of word 1, which makes it easy to move to the sound RRR in word 2. try it and see. this is one of the secrets of writing fluid prose. you can't do it all the time, but it helps. perfect example of it working. read this slowly. you know how i stand on word like 'almost' lose them and be definite. 'coppery crust' is ample.

My long black hair was full of burrs and encrusted with dark dried blood. I reeked of death. Stretching, my body cracked loudly and I noticed the scratches already beginning to heal. The full moon (had) gone and I now have just over three weeks to continue my research.

the sound isn't important here, it should be a snapshot image, quickly implanted in the writers head. you have to decide which images evoke a feeling and which image paint a quick picture. emotion is worthy of a little expansion. 'healing' ('beginning' Bah!) pick words that add some extra dimension or compliment the word you are modifying.

The hot bath felt wonderful and I always wondered how something so simple could bring such pleasure. Scrubbing hard with an old volcanic stone the thick red crust became slime and washed away. Lying back, I tried to remember the last few days. It was never easy when the transformation took over; my mind reverted back to its animal basics. Over the centuries I was able to remember more and more and function better, now always able to return home.

try to place this thought into the description of the bath. (without overwriting!) tough, but pick your words wisely and it can be achieved. what would i say here?
*

I was bitten while on a Portuguese ship charting the new world. We had anchored at a lovely cove off what is now an Island South of Goa and made land to begin essaying the island. We were well into it when night came, and that is when the demon attacked.

does it matter? lose this. what you need to do is get the reader from A to B in the shortest or most interesting way. this is like traveling through the most beautiful scenery and then going into a tunnel, before reemerging again on the other side. i don't know what this means in this context. could be me just being thick though lol.

We had eaten well, enjoyed a port too many and sleep came fast. The smell of the sea always makes a man sleep deep.

this can be used to great effect

but here it leaps out unintentionally and doesn't fit the general tone.

I was young then, only 22 and the lead essayer. Back then we achieved much early in life and lived short hard lives. My crew had done well and I saw no reason to worry for we had seen none of the unusual dragons and tigers we had heard tales of.

theres that word again! where's my dictionary? the first sentence should have negated the need for this just a personal preference. i don't like this. there is no indication prior to this that you have chosen this tone for story telling.

I was wrong though, for what came was much worse than any giant lizard or tiger, it was a monster.

don't tell us. leave us intrigued.
*

The screaming woke me with a start and I saw it, a flash of fur and gaping jaws. My faithful crew fell fast though hardened by travel and well trained. One got off a shot with his flintand another slashed well with his blade, but both were quickly taken down.

this is definitely tacked on. what's the point of telling us this after the crew had fallen. shouldn't this be gun? instead of telling us that the crew had fallen, SHOW US, with more of this... but tighter.

I'd been sleeping next to the fire and was struggling to exit my thick cape when It came at me with lithe arrogant speed; I raised my arm in defense. I fell back over a log we had used to sit on and somehow the beast and I cart wheeled over with it landing in the middle of the coals and what was left of the fire.

use words that add pick your words carefully. 'I fell over the log i was sat upon' or 'sitting on' see this, really think about it.

Emitting a strange preternatural howl, the giant animal disappeared in a wash of thick hair and an odor of burned rotten flesh.
*

Vomiting, I gathered my senses and looked around, a throbbing pain in my forearm. Our camp was mess and my crew down and most half eaten. The monster had started silently and got its fill before the rest of us awoke.

typos.

The rest was a blur; I gathered what I could of our provisions and headed back to our ship in the landing craft. The skeleton crew we had left on the ship was shocked at my tale and we hurriedly set sail for Lisbon. They eyed me strangely for the first few days but were back to normal after awhile. The captain who worked under my orders as head essayer was more than happy to make the voyage home.

if you are going to do a full circle with something there is no reason to write it. up until this point i've noted that you are missing opportunities for great scenes. there are many sentences that could have been a page of excitement.

*

Three and a half weeks later, with Southern Europe not yet in sight things began to change and I fell ill. I remember looking up and seeing a moon almost full and shuddering.

STOP IT WITH THE STARS ALREADY!!! you have a habit of summarizing. like i said, missed opportunities.
*

The Spanish found our ship afloat with me the lone survivor. I told a tale of Turkish raiders and of a battle lost to viscous pirates. Somehowthe pirates had left me for dead.Somehow the Spanish believed me; maybe because the truth was simply more unbelievable.

repeated and unnecessary. how could this be true? they would have to know the truth to make the choice.

That is how I made my way back to the mainland and the rest is history.
*

So, here I was in the bath contemplating my next step. Over the centuries I have studied the phenomena that blighted me and came up with one solution. After reading one arcane book after another, I finally had a lead.

too much happening and not enough written. this could be a page of high adventure. try making this a page or more:

Quote:

The screaming woke me with a start and I saw it, a flash of fur and gaping jaws. My faithful crew fell fast though hardened by travel and well trained. One got off a shot with his flint and another slashed well with his blade, but both were quickly taken down.

hope this helps

Funwriter · 06-29-2007, 04:52 PM

Kyrie and Az, thanks for taking the time and reading this start to a bigger short story. I just posted part two, so you can imagine I haven't had time to do any editing of P1. Az, thanks for breaking it down, I'll re-read and edit tomorrow or later tonight when I am finished with part three..

Please read part two and tell me what you think, I hope this one is worth the time and energy I am throwing into it.

Thanks again.

CaptainFreedom · 06-29-2007, 05:29 PM

Hey Funwriter,

Like I said in your welcome to the forum thread, I checked out one of your stories.

I don't really have too much experience with short stories, so maybe my advice only applies to a novel-sized work.

Anyway, the idea is well thought out and I can see there's a progression to the story, but I would say that this part of the story should be told in the present tense and with all of the fighting (and making the fighting suspenseful) it should be around 20-40 pages long.

The thing is, the reader isn't going to give a crap who wins a fight if they don't know the characters. (d.h. [German Kurzung thrown in for my fellow Frankfurtian] that the reader has to either like one of the characters already, or at least know who the good guy is before the fight takes place)

Then, after the part where he gets turned into a monster is finished, you can make it into a flashback.

Also, action scenes need a lot of concise detail for the reader to really understand what's going on without the pace of the story getting drawn out. You're using too many adjectives and adverbs.

Don't rush yourself and it will be a lot better.

CF

Funwriter · 06-29-2007, 05:39 PM

CF, sadly I am in a rush

I think this is just an odd guy in a bathtub remembering what happened to him a long time ago...

I have posted part 2, give it a read. I can always go back and re-work this one. I had the idea and am putting it t page as fast as possible. Normally I wouldn't post it till it's edited and re-worked but I just want to have frame work available so I can fill it all in later. Thought it would be interesting for the members to go with me on this one and see if they like it..

If its crap I'll drop it and go to the next one. I have a pretty cool idea here though... It starts coming out in part 2... I hope it's not to late, not that I should have had part 1 show the direction...

Mairi · 06-29-2007, 06:50 PM

So dark. . .

I like it! (I have a love affair with the darker side of fiction, and the titanic battles between true good and evil.)

I, too, would like to see this expanded into a longer section. It has so much potential just begging to be released! On to check out the next passage. . .

Mairi

Funwriter · 06-29-2007, 06:55 PM

Mairi, thank you. It does need much work, you're right. Part 3 is almost ready for post. I hope you enjoy part 2.

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 05:12 PM

Az, I cleaned this up a bit, but after reading it I realized, I have much to do.
I agree, I could re-write this tale into a book.. If I only had the time.