Beethoven

__________________
"Rosa! Thank God, you've come, you beautiful, beautiful girl. I love you so dearly." It was not perhaps the most brilliant of all the things that might have been said at this moment, but there was no need for brilliance, and it was enough and more.
-Hermann Hesse

Foxee

Hello, Beethoven,

The last paragraph in the tiny font happens to me, too. I've found I can avoid that by adding a carriage return ('enter') or two at the end of the piece before pasting it into the reply box. If that doesn't work I have to take the whole darned post, copy it into word (you really should type it into Word or a separate document of some sort rather than straight into the reply box anyway...I hate when things don't post right and I lose the whole thing!), select it, change all the formatting to be the same, and c/p it back into the reply box. It's a pain, but it works.

My first suggestion would be to get rid of your whole first paragraph where you're setting the scene. There really is no information there that cannot be revealed as you go along.

If you really want to set the scene in an initial paragraph, cut it to one or two terse lines, full of imagery, that simply tell us that amid a crowd of family in a darkened room, Duncan's father was dying. Although, I really don't find that necessary as the dialogue reveals that he's dying and all of your players reveal their places later on.

Then get straight into the dialogue.

Another thing, hunt down some of your excess adverbs (-ly) and restructure your sentences to get rid of them. Your writing will be stronger for it.
I find this imagery a little odd. If you want to portray a heavily pregnant, saddened woman, you may want to rethink this. "With light steps" in conjunction with "inflated" belly makes it sound like she is going to give birth to a helium balloon. Taken together, it's hard to buy either the weight of her pregnancy or the weight of her emotion. As someone who has been pregnant twice, let me tell you that heavily pregnant women seldom walk 'lightly', not to mention that due to a loosening of the pelvic joint we tend to waddle.

You could tighten this piece up a lot more. For instance:
First, POV...Duncan cannot see his own face so he wouldn't know it looks like "that of a dumb man". What does a dumb man look like, anyway? Think of what it is like to BE Duncan at this moment. You only see what he sees; you only know what he knows. Yes, you'll have to cut some things out but it will make the reader more inquisitive. They will want to discover your story WITH Duncan.

Second, the phrase "The whole situation was ghastly." is unnecessary. We can see that without being told. Look for little phrase weeds like this and pull them ruthlessly.

Lastly (for now) check out my advice on constructing a post. Have a little courage!

-Foxee

__________________
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

Beethoven

About the POV... The story is told in 3rd person.

__________________
"Rosa! Thank God, you've come, you beautiful, beautiful girl. I love you so dearly." It was not perhaps the most brilliant of all the things that might have been said at this moment, but there was no need for brilliance, and it was enough and more.
-Hermann Hesse

Patrick Beverley

Yes, but the most effective passages in it occupy the thoughts in someone's head (eg Julie's) and at that point you're in Duncan's.

Foxee

Beethoven, yes, it is. It would be 3rd person omniscient, showing what more than one character is thinking. I would suggest 3rd person limited (Duncan's POV in this case) and if you wish to show what others are thinking and feeling (like Julie) then write a separate passage from her POV. Just make sure that the two passages are clearly separated (perhaps by a little row of asterisks) so that people don't get confused.

Among writers, arguments rage about what POV to use. I didn't understand the difference between omniscient and limited when I first started writing and had to do some reading about it. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, ask. I'll be happy to explain in a bit more detail (unless someone else does first. )

__________________
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

Beethoven

I know the difference between the two, I think. I just don't understand what I did wrong with the narration.

First, POV...Duncan cannot see his own face so he wouldn't know it looks like "that of a dumb man".

I did not say he felt that his face looked like that of a dumb man's. I am telling the reader that that is what his faced looked like.

"Duncan’s face was like that of a dumb man’s, and he looked back and forth between his mother and his blubbering father."

__________________
"Rosa! Thank God, you've come, you beautiful, beautiful girl. I love you so dearly." It was not perhaps the most brilliant of all the things that might have been said at this moment, but there was no need for brilliance, and it was enough and more.
-Hermann Hesse

Foxee

There were actually two different points there.

First, the one dealing with POV. Perhaps I am too picky about writing from a limited POV (I very well could be...if other writers would like to weigh in here it might help) but I try not to show anything that the character I am writing about cannot sense for themselves. There are exceptions, of course, but this wouldn't be one of them.

I might write this this way (you would write it differently...in your own voice):
Duncan's face felt numb as he looked from his angry mother to his blubbering father. He couldn't have spoken if he'd wanted to through the leaden mask that his face had become. His fingers twitched, the only outward sign of emotions buried deep. How had the two most respected people in his life come to this?

(I'm conjecturing there at the end...no idea if he respected them or not but you get the picture)

My second point was that I'm not sure what the face of a dumb man looks like so for me it is not a strong descriptor. It may actually be better if you're writing from Duncan's POV to say, "His lips felt useless as that of a dumb man".

__________________
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

Beethoven

I agree with you. The whole dumb face thing was bad.

But with regards to the narration of the comment, there is nothing wrong with it. Right?
It is very clear that I am writing in omniscient third person, isn't it?

I am not trying to sound like a smart ass. I really want to know.

Though I feel there is nothing wrong with it, you have got me scared about the narration.

__________________
"Rosa! Thank God, you've come, you beautiful, beautiful girl. I love you so dearly." It was not perhaps the most brilliant of all the things that might have been said at this moment, but there was no need for brilliance, and it was enough and more.
-Hermann Hesse

Foxee

Sorry, that's not my aim. I am encouraging you to switch from omniscient to limited 3rd person. I think it will help your narrative to be more interesting. It will help bring the drama and color to it that you're probably looking for.

If you wish to stay with omniscient, then how you have it works fine.

__________________
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain