Hungry (Fresh, short and gooey. Oh and very rough) 470 words - Writers Forum

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 09:38 AM

Hungry

A short story by Funwriter

Somewhere between cryogenic sleep and consciousness, Az felt his synapses beginning to thunder. Slowly, awareness was returning. The thaw continued and Az was able to begin his mental calisthenics. He went over the cryo-checklist, one step at a time. The stinging in his toes, ignore the pain. His fingertips burning, must move each one very slowly to increase blood flow. Leg muscles should be flexed and released every few seconds. His checklist progressing, he felt the remaining images of his last dream fade into obscurity, reality coming forward.

He and his crew were on a long journey through the dark nebula, Epsilon11. They had entered the cryogenic containers just after inputting Jin, the neuro-comp, with the proper coordinates. The ship must be nearing its destination for Jin had disengaged the Cryogenic systems. Az felt the warm infusion starting to flow into his limbs from the kelvin unit. Not much longer and he and his team would reach the 36.8 degrees Celsius needed to be released from the containers.

Az was now able to remember the mission and his reason for volunteering. He'd lost Sentra and little Cali in a horrible accident. Forlorn and floundering for over a year he desperately needed a change. On a blurry morning coming off a hit of weeg, he saw the mission posted on the dig-board at the entrance to Command. Az agreed to go immediately; sure the ninety eight years in cryo would give his soul time to heal. He convinced the old man that he would have the chance to be productive again, to do something worthwhile. Warming slowly, Az thought he felt a liquid tear flow down his cold blue cheek. His hands and feet were twitching uncontrollably, he knew he was nearing temp. He would now start his physical calisthenics. Moving one finger and then the next. wriggling his toes, step by painful step ensuring a clean break from cryo-sleep.

*

In the next cryogenic container a kelvin unit kicked in and its opalescent skin showed signs of humidity. In this container Az felt himself getting close to temp, a soft liquid tear running down his cold blue cheek.

One of them hits the control panel, speeding up the heating process, for they were both very hungry. Two freeze dried meals would be enough for a weeks worth of nourishment and they would take both just over temp to ensure the right Adrenalin flow. A touch of Adrenalin always made the meal softer and more desirable. In their own language they discuss their proper civility and the fact that each meal is programmed with true Earth memories, and how each morsel feels connected to the preparation of the meal, like they too have a purpose.

One turns to the other flashing a huge jagged grin,

"Lets eat."

Azmakna · 06-27-2007, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

Hungry

A short story by Funwriter

Somewhere between cryogenic sleep and consciousness, Az felt his synapses beginning to thunder. Slowly, awareness was returning. The thaw continued and Az was able to begin his mental calisthenics. He went over the cryo-checklist, one step at a time. The stinging in his toes, ignore the pain. His fingertips burning, must move each one very slowly to increase blood flow. Leg muscles should be flexed and released every few seconds. His checklist progressing, he felt the remaining images of his last dream fade into obscurity, reality coming forward.

Excellent name for a character!!!! can you have mental calisthetics? i'd look this up. this is a little too dramatic. i would just write 'faded'

He and his crew were on a long journey through the dark nebula, Epsilon11. They had entered the cryogenic containers just after inputting Jin, the neuro-comp, with the proper coordinates. The ship must be nearing its destination for Jin had disengaged the Cryogenic systems. Az felt the warm infusion starting to flow into his limbs from the kelvin unit. Not much longer and he and his team would reach the 36.8 degrees Celsius needed to be released from the containers.

Az was now able to remember the mission and his reason for volunteering. He'd lost Sentra and little Cali in a horrible accident, forlorn and floundering for over a year he desperately needed a change. On a blurry morning coming off a hit of weeg, he saw the mission posted on the dig-board at the entrance to command. Az agreed to go immediately, sure the ninety eight years in cryo would give his soul time to heal. He convinced the old man that he would have the chance to be productive again, to do something worthwhile. Warming slowly, Az thought he felt a bit of liquid flow down his cold blue cheek. His hands and feet were twitching uncontrollably, he knew he was nearing temp. He would now start his physical calisthenics. Moving one finger and then the next. wriggling his toes, step by painful step ensuring a clean break from cryo-sleep.

very small point. sure can also mean 'of course' or 'yes' and when i began reading this part, that is exactly why i had to go back and see where i had read it wrong. could you clear this up? do you mean it was blue from cold or is his cheak blue? one way it's not needed, the other, it's confusing (not negotiable lol) 'spasming' (terrible word) would cover this and make this redundant, but even if you stick with 'twitching' it should go.

*
In the next cryogenic container a kelvin unit kicked in and its opalescent skin showed signs of humidity. In this container Az felt himself getting close to temp, a soft liquid tear running down his cold blue cheek.

I'm saying NOTHING!

One of them hits the control panel, speeding up the heating process, for they were both very hungry. Two freeze dried meals would be enough for a weeks worth of nourishment and they would take both just over temp to ensure the right Adrenalin flow. A touch of Adrenalin always made the meal softer and more desirable. In their own language they discuss their proper civility and the fact that each meal is programmed with true Earth memories, and how each morsel feels connected to the preparation of the meal, like they too have a purpose.

One turns to the other flashing a huge jagged grin, merrily stating, lets eat.

i got a bit lost here. you have a great writing style! you just need to really think about the words you choose and why.

edit: is AZ a meal? (yes, i'm slow)

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 10:20 AM

Hahha, I liked your name so much I made you the meal

*

I wrote this in about 5 mins. I'll take your advice and do some cleaning soon.

Thanks for the critique, you are an inspiration!

Lady Bow · 06-27-2007, 11:46 PM

It was easy to tell right away that this was a science fiction. It immediately gave me a cold emotionless feeling with all the technological terms. Yes, there were a few words that I didn't understand, but that's just coming from someone who never reads science fiction or its equivlent. I think your vocabulary was impressive, and description wasn't too crazy despite the genre.

One thing I advise is to read everything you write out loud and make sure it all flows. This peice was a little hard for me to read without going back or doing it extra slowly because it didn't have any fluency in my mind. All it takes is some re-wording and placing things differently in your sentences and this problem can be overcome.

Funwriter · 06-28-2007, 02:13 AM

Ladybow, thank you for the sound advice. I'll try reading it to myself.

Mike C · 06-28-2007, 06:00 AM

One turns to the other flashing a huge jagged grin, merrily stating, lets eat.

Bad.

One turns to the other flashing a huge jagged grin.

"Lets eat."

Better.

Funwriter · 06-28-2007, 06:21 AM

Thanks, also hated the last line

Charlie_Eleanor · 06-28-2007, 06:38 AM

[quote=Funwriter]
Az was now able to remember the mission and his reason for volunteering. He'd lost Sentra and little Cali in a horrible accident. This seems like a really big part of the story, even without it just being a 'programmed' memory. I think if you go into more detail here it would make the twist in the ending have a bigger wow factor. Also, maybe you could make the memory be triggered by something. Let's say that the chamber he is in trembles and suddenly he is in a flash back of driving a car. His wife sitting next to him has long black hair wipping back in the breeze fromt he convertable top. Suddenly bam, he is back in the chamber and the tear is rolling down his cheek. This is when you say, "Now he rememberd why.."

In this container Az felt himself getting close to temp, a soft liquid tear running down his cold blue cheek. I see what you are trying to do here, but it feels someone what ackward. Perhaps, "The kelvin's emotional datastream (sorry I am not sci-fi) kicked in and a liquid (<-maybe use some weird kind of liquid) tear ran down its cheek." I think the use of Az's name here throws it off since you are entering a part of the story where Az is now a robot.

In their own language they discuss their proper civility and the fact that each meal is programmed with true Earth memories, and how each morsel feels connected to the preparation of the meal, like they too have a purpose. I like this a lot

One turns to the other flashing a huge jagged grin, I agree that this is a little ackward. Perhaps more detail will give you the image you want, and give the reader what they want, "One turned to the other, his blue cracked lips spreading to reveal three rows of pointed yellow teeth...."
[quote]

This seemed to be a big improvement on some other stuff you have written. A lot more original. Did you change something while writing it?

It seems freer.

Really well done!!

Funwriter · 06-28-2007, 09:24 AM

Charlie, I didn't really do anything different. I just wrote it. I write lots of these little shorts, sometimes two a day and sometimes one a month. It is all time related. At the moment, I am at home with a few days off and I'll just sit in front of the keyboard and write. I wrote two simple little stories today. I have fun writing, it's a relaxing processes for me.

Thanks for reading and critiquing.