Eminence

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Eminence

Anyone?

Funwriter

Eminence, only have time for the first bit..

"Marcus sighed.

A bitter chill hovered in the air; the invisible mist of death, breathing softly. The room was a dim box. A lone lamp sat upon a rotting table in the corner, its power strong enough only to display the passing dust particles floating within its ray of vision. They danced like glowing orbs in the light’s beam.

this seems a bit awkward
This is nice though

A bed sat next to the table;. Its sheet drooped slightly off the side. It was softly coiled around a pale body, slumped on the bed; her left arm protruding over the edge limply. Her eyes remained open, as did her mouth: an eternal expression of ultimate fear and surprise. Her features were pallid and wax-like – a lonely corpse gasping for air.

I would not use ultimate fear try a different word, just my opinon.

It didn’t take him long. She didn’t see it coming. She had satisfied her purpose, and after returning from a short journey to the bathroom, his hands grasped her neck firmly. Her struggles came to no avail; it was too late. Life escaped her. "

I wouldn't use journey when discussing a trip to the bathroom.

This is reading smooth and I like it so far, maybe just a bir over-worded. I'll have time later to get back and give you my opinion of the rest.

Sorry to just scratch the surface, got to run. be back in a few hours though.

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FW

Eminence

Hmmm, I see what you're saying - and looking back, you've nailed a few little things right on the head. Thanks for picking them up, and thanks for taking the time to read so far!

Eminence

Bump? :/

Rob

Hi Eminence,

Sometimes the best way to get reads and comments is to give some. That gets you noticed, and people feel more willing to help someone who returns the favour. These places work by give and take. Not getting at you, just trying to help you get the feedback you're after. All the best, and good luck with your writing.

Cheers,
Rob

blackthorn

I like a good mystery, and this could become something really great! Keep writing, I'd like to see what will come out.

So, is he like a contract killer or something? Sounds a bit serial to me...