SlyEnemy

I'm compiling a collection of these. I generally write them off the cuff and hardly ever go back to them, I mostly skip the start and the finish and go for all middle. Imagine a sandwich without the bread, that's generally my style. Surrealistic and slightly off-putting with wavering descriptive narrative.

So here's my first:

Steven Moonpie and The Elevator of Justice

Steven Moonpie was a very intelligent man. His intelligence was so powerful, that it could think thoughts unthunk of by other men. He was dead clever.
Steven owned and worked at a Bakery, named El Moono Piella, after his Great Spanish Grandfather, El Moono Piella Dave. Steven managed a staff of three, but none of those people are involved in this story, so there's no point mentioning names. Equally, the fact that steven owns a Bakery has nothing to do with the rest of this story, think of it as base detail on Steven and you'll be on the right lines. You don't really need to remember it, it's not that important, alright?
Steven woke up one morning with a start. It had to be a start, because if he woke with a finish, the story would end sharpish. Steven arose, aroused and yawning.
"What a beautiful morning it is" said Steven "and me with a day off work"
He admired the view from his window, a miniature village residing in his garden. It had landed there after a freak wind storm, and Steven didn't have the heart to tidy it up, so there it laid, shining with a miniature sheen.
"Gosh and Pumpkins!" said Steven, startled as he spied the hands of the clock. "I almost forgot about my meeting with Dunston Craftcake, the mayor of the WORLD!".
Steven had indeed forgot all about it. He was to be awarded a badge of Supreme Bakery Skill by the Mayor this very day, and within a very hour! A very hour indeed!
Steven rushed around his flashy apartment block, eating a soft boiled egg as he grabbed his clothes and threw them up with fantastic aiming abilities.
"Now I am ready" said Steven, ready.

Steven arrived at the Mayor's office, a large building made of Silk and Petticoats. It was smooth to the touch, yet had a harsh business like feel that made Steven wince.
Wincing as he did, Steven stepped foot inside the skyscraping landmark, wiping his feet on a mat that said "You are here!". Steven chuckled.
"That's funny" he said, holding his stomach and chuckling more so.
"Ahh" said Steven "Now I have laughed, I shall go and speak with the mayor"

Steven informed the receptionist of his arrival. She smiled and said "That's nice dear" and he wasn't sure if she was really listening. In fact, Steven wasn't even sure she was real! He'd had a big bowl of Heroin for breakfast that very morning, and was tripping balls!
Steven flew toward the elevator with an eerie glow. "El-ev-ay-tor" said Steven, grinning to himself and laughing about the welcome mat that said "You are here!" once more.
"Chuckle" said Steven.
Steven entered the elevator and pressed a button that said "Mayor's Floor". It was the 84th floor of the building, and Steven decided to eat another boiled egg before he reached the office.
"Mmm" said Steven, chomping on the egg's delicious white skin. "You are beautiful" he said, rubbing the egg on his chin and stroking his lips with his fingers. "Mmm" he continued.

After an hour or so, Steven began to get worried. The lift seemed to be forever going up, but with no indication of what floor he was on, he just couldn't tell where he was. He didn't even know what time it was! He'd dropped his watch down the toilet a couple of weeks ago when he was drowning a kitten. "More fool me!" said Steven, chuckling about the incident with jovial rotundaty.

"I'm worried now" said Steven to a small fleck of dust. "I've been in this lift for ages, I'm sure of it, yet I still haven't reached the Mayor's floor". He clenched his fists and bit his lips and closed his eyes. Then he stopped doing all that.
"You are here!" came a booming voice from all around him.
"Haha! That's funny" said Steven, chuckling once more. "Because I am here!"
"You are here!" boomed the voice once more.
"Hold on a minute!" said Steven "I'm the only person here! Who's talking?" he gripped himself and shuddered violently, like a shaking Steven.
"I'm dead scared" whimpered the male man. "I don't want to die!"
"I am the voice of the great Elevator of Justice, as afore mentioned in the title of this here story!" boomed the voice once more.
"Elevator of Justice!?" yelled Steven, quizzically.
"Yes!" boomed the voice "Elevator of Justice!"
"Argh!" shouted Steven
"Wargh!" shouted the Elevator
"Argh!" shouted Steven.
"Enough!" boomed the Elevator "For all your evil doings of killing kittens and being casually racist. I am forever holding you hostage within my steely womb!"
"Oh no!" said Steven "That'll be awful!" he screamed.

"Whu-?" said Steven, arising from his bed. "Oh my!" he smiled "T'was all just a dream! I can carry on killing kittens again!", and with that, Steven grabbed himself a massive bag of Kittens and spent the rest of his life drowning them in various liquids for his own pleasure.
But the Elevator of Justice waits for him.
Always.

elizabeth_472

Hi. I liked some of your weird, stylistic pieces, but some of them were just too far off the map for me.

Here's some things:

His intelligence was so powerful, that it could think thoughts unthunk of by other men-Intelligence doesn't think. Brains think. Intelligence is merely a measure of this thiking.

Steven managed a staff of three, but none of those people are involved in this story, so there's no point mentioning names.--I really don't find this funny. It's just kind of annoying. I'd cut the entire sentence.

Equally, the fact that steven owns a Bakery has nothing to do with the rest of this story, think of it as base detail on Steven and you'll be on the right lines. You don't really need to remember it, it's not that important, alright?--You need to capitalize Steven, but not bakery. Also, you cannot put a comma between 'story' and 'think.' Make them separate sentences. The last sentence is unnecessary.

"What a beautiful morning it is" said Steven "and me with a day off work"--This would be proper punctuation for quotations: "What a beautiful morning it is," said Steven, "and me with a day off work."

Steven rushed around his flashy apartment block, eating a soft boiled egg as he grabbed his clothes and threw them up with fantastic aiming abilities.--I liked this part. I can just imagine it happening!

"Ahh" said Steven "Now I have laughed, I shall go and speak with the mayor"--Yeah, I thought that was funny. I really like some of the things about Steven. He's very eccentric.


He'd had a big bowl of Heroin for breakfast that very morning, and was tripping balls!--I don't know, but this was a little too wacky for me. You don't have to make your writing so completely crazy to be funny.

After an hour or so, Steven began to get worried.-- You don't need 'began to get worried.' All you need is 'began to worry.' Simple equals good.

"I am the voice of the great Elevator of Justice, as afore mentioned in the title of this here story!"--Aforementioned is one word.

Steven grabbed himself a massive bag of Kittens and spent the rest of his life drowning them in various liquids for his own pleasure.--The ending really doesn't have much meaning. The only thing I get is 'Oooh, creepy!' If you don't want to have much more meaning, that's fine. It's just that it doesn't really touch the reader unless you do.

P.S. Your writing kind of reminds me of the 'Hitchikers' Guide to the Galaxy' series. Perhaps you might like some of those.

Good work!

__________________
A bit of advice for my fellow human beings: Read Jane Eyre!

Voodoo

It was funny, but it was trying too hard to be funny. A reader wouldn't laugh because they wanted to, they would laugh because you forced them to laugh.

And its too metacognitive. You shouldn't acknowledge yourself. I can't remember the name of that term- anyone help me out?

Stephen King was rife with it in his Dark Tower Series.

sixlivesdown

Breaking the 4th wall?

Voodoo

Its called metafiction, now that I recall.

Voodoo

Okay, let me rephrase- You shouldn't use it unless you can do it well, without making it obvious or directly referencing it.

Voodoo

I won't say anything bad about the Dark Tower, but him putting himself into it made it kless than it could have been. And the entire myriad of universes rested on his survival?

But whatever.