The Horrors of War (short, rough , bloodshed and witty too) - Writers Forum

Funwriter · 06-23-2007, 05:22 AM

The battle raged on. I was on the ground and in the middle of the fray.

I am a hardened officer bringing many years of experience with me to the battlefield. The campaign had gone well and we were advancing rapidly, our goal in sight. My squad leaders, veterans all, were doing a hell of a job and the cadence quick and clear.

The casualties were mounting though, and worry flared its ugly head. We choked it down pounding forward. I lead my battalion, swinging left and right, the enemy a red blur.

The hand to hand fighting is the ugliest, and I was knee deep in it.

The tie wearing enemy blinded me, flashing my eyes with the red optical beam of his Microsoft mouse; I parry and throw my notebook, like a scythe. It hits his chest and he goes down. I shake my head, trying to get my vision back, beads of sweat flying.

I feel a staple bounce off what is left of my armor, the tweed saves me again. With a roar, I leap with all my might attaining the desktop. Felling one after the other, keyboard whipping at the end of the cable, a blur of Black Death.

In the background, I hear my propaganda team beating away, sending belittling print jobs, chipping slowly at the moral of the enemy.

Something ricochets off my scull. I see stars and begin to fall. Hitting the ground with a thump my breath goes out of me, I pull a damaged flat screen over me to protect against their jarring blows trying and scurry under the concealment of the desk, holding the flat screen before me as a shield.

I get a moment's repast from the melee and quickly asses the situation. My Department is doing well, and two or three of my special operators are struggling with an enemy giant. The giant is swinging a multifunctional device and one of my operators goes down in a curtain of crimson.

I struggle to my feet, avoiding the cable traps, and move toward the Giant. I hurl my PDA with what little strength I have left and it catches him in the throat. The move motivates my operators and they bring him down with multiple blows from jagged thin clients.

We've done well and championed the day. My battalion completes the mop up and deletes the access of the fallen.

Clocking out, I smile, for tomorrow morning the battle begins again at nine!

Albion · 06-23-2007, 03:53 PM

It's a very clever piece of writing although maybe you could carry on the description of serious war on for a paragraph more near the beginning, it would add more to the fun change I think.

MaoTheCat · 06-23-2007, 06:24 PM

Agreed with Albion, but excellent work on the rest of it! Made me chuckle

If you'd write some other short stories with similar themes, I'd be thrilled to read 'em!

M.

Funwriter · 06-24-2007, 03:23 AM

Thank you both for reading. This one was much longer a short time ago. I found myself trimming here or there to keep my interest in the story. Still needs some editing.

I may re-write this, I'll put some though into it.

Thanks again.

Ps. I wrote this while at work one day having a look around. This is what it is like at my job

credibleanon · 06-25-2007, 12:03 AM

Really great- I enjoy its freshness! I agree about adding to the beginning and making the revelation of setting more of a surprising turn. Also, maybe cut the wording a little, less words say more, especially in satire!

Wonderful job! I envy your creativity!

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 03:18 AM

Thank you Credibleanon, please take a moment and look at my other stories.

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment.

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 03:20 AM

Mao,

I do have many others, not all with this theme but surprising and odd just the same. Please read them and give me your feed back.

thanks

Kangfish · 06-25-2007, 04:16 AM

I actually quite enjoyed the wordiness of it, but to each their own

Very amusing, I would certainly read more.

Mike C · 06-25-2007, 05:37 AM

It's the 'twist with irony' kind of tale that Asimov (and many others) wrote many times over in his short story heyday, so from a publication point of view it's kind of dated and would be unlikely to find a home, except maybe in one of the publications that specialise in retro 'golden age' style stories.

A credible piece of writing, though the tense changes (I was/I am) jarred a little.

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 07:14 AM

Mike, hmmm, I thought because of its technical flair it is very modern. To even have my story mentiond in the same sentence as Asimov is a thrill.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate your thoughts.

Kangfish, I have posted 10 other little tales, all worth reading if you have time. Thanks for the nice words.

Albion · 06-25-2007, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

Kangfish, I have posted 10 other little tales, all worth reading if you have time. Thanks for the nice words.

Any chance of pointing me in the right direction to these? I would like to read more

Azmakna · 06-25-2007, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

The battle raged on, and I was on the ground and in the middle of the fray.

teeny-weeny thing. the first 'and' has an almost flippant effect here. i would make two sentences here and lose both 'ands' it will make it more immediate.

I am a hardened officer bringing many years of experience with me to the battlefield. The campaign had gone well and we were advancing rapidly, (our) goal in sight. My squad leaders, veterans all, were doing a hell of a job and the cadence quick and clear.

even though this is only a very short piece, this is a no-no. how you are going to show this is up to you, but i would consider whether you need it at all. not sure how to read this sentence.

The casualties were mounting though, and worry flared its ugly head. I choked it down and we pounded forward, leading my battalion, swinging left and right, the enemy a red blur.

the phrase is 'reared its ugly head' if you are trying to avoid a cliche here by changing one word in that cliche, then you are cheating. lol. choked what down? choked is a physical word and this was preceded by a metaphor. i'm not saying this can't be done, but be wary of this. this is a slight confusion. really it should be 'our' not 'my'. which is why it's a good idea to avoid 'we' as much as possible.

The hand to hand fighting is the ugliest, and I was knee deep in it.

remember we see what you write regardless of whether it's not meant to be taken literally.

The tie wearing enemy blinded me, flashing my eyes with the red optical beam of his Microsoft mouse; I parry and throw my notebook, like a scythe(.) it hits his chest. He goes down; I shake my head, trying to get my vision back, beads of sweat flying around me.

Sony! we see what you write.

I feel a staple bounce off what is left of my armor, the tweed saves me again. With a roar, I leap with all my might, and attain the desktop, felling one after the other, keyboard whipping at the end of the cable(,) a blur of Black Death.

keep it simply written. lose this (bring out your dead!)

In the background, I hear my propaganda team beating away, sending belittling print jobs, chipping slowly at the moral of the enemy.

Something ricochets off my scull. I see stars and begin to fall. Hitting the ground with a thump my breath goes out of me, I pull a damaged flat screen over me to protect against their jarring blows trying and scurry under the concealment of the desk, holding the flat screen before me as a shield.

this sounds awkward.

I get a moment's repast from the melee and quickly asses the situation. My Department is doing well, and two or three of my special operators are struggling with an enemy giant. The giant is swinging a multifunctional device and one of my operators goes down in a curtain of crimson.

'rest' really think about this. see it in your minds eye. you may want to keep this. all i'm saying is think about every word and it's effect on others.

I struggle to my feet, avoiding the cable traps, and move toward the Giant. I hurl my PDA with what little strength I have left and it catches him in the throat. The move motivates my operators and they bring him down with multiple blows from jagged thin clients.

We've done well and championed the day. My battalion completes the mop up and deletes the access of the fallen.

Clocking out, I smile, for tomorrow morning the battle begins again at nine!

not sure about this... am i supposed to feel this or see this?

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 12:10 PM

Albion, just click on my nickname with the left mouse and you'll see an option to read more from myself..

Have fun.

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 12:17 PM

Azmakna,

thanks for all the tips. I have put a couple into play. Hmm, perhaps you should see and feel it

Again, thanks for your time.