A Feeling Long Lost - Writers Forum

Ice Tea Atonach · 06-20-2007, 05:30 AM

I posted this a long time ago but by bad timing and a lack of effort on my part to post in other people's stories it went away without a single reply. Its been a good 4-6 months since then and I've decided to post it again after finding it hidden away on these forums. Anyway, enjoy!

A Feeling Long Lost

I stood in the large metal room, only me and myself. “I’ve been here for years you know,” I looked up the grate, which fed fresh air, like it was a person, “eating the food that seems to magically appear every day in a corner. Its pretty staple stuff; a half loaf of bread, some rice, milk and water.”

“On those two walls over there,” I pointed to my left opposite the food store, “I draw things, things I remember from my past life, five- ten years ago now, I guess? Oh well… anyway I have quite a collection up there. Can you see them? But then again can you even hear me? Do you even exist? Or are you just me going insane or someone to tell my ideas? It helps, I can tell you that.”

“I remember when I tried to stop talking to you. You can see the drawings I made on the walls too, it’s like a timeline from top to bottom, and I use that ladder to reach the top. The drawings I did there were… dark. I drew of death and killing, of blood and hate. I still do sometimes but after so long here I have slowly forgotten my anger and my hate, I think I might’ve forgotten other things as well. You know… like-like love… I remember happiness and sadness; I feel them everyday so of course I know them, ha-ha.”

“Maybe I love you? Is it possible? I mean after all these years I have grown very attached to you. You are my-” suddenly I stopped, I heard a whisper, like a voice I could distantly remember, “Did you hear that, or was that you?”

“I guess it was nothing eh? Just another symptom of my worsening madness ha-ha. I guess we will see in a year wont we? Never mind.” I turned away from the vent and went to the walls and looked at my drawings of the dark time.

“Odd how much I have grown… changed. See these knew drawings depict symbology, twisted love hearts, lightning, blood and kissing. But then before the dark time everything was different. I drew of my old life, of my world, gosh… I don’t remember half of this stuff. I remember this house and this person, but not this dog and not this tower with a giant clock on it. Maybe that’s when I started going crazy- wait; no it wasn’t.”

“I went crazy here. Where the first dark day began, when I lost interest in my old life. But I still miss it, I still miss the world beyond these walls, or is there a world beyond these walls, my old life? The life before… something happened to get me here maybe-”

Another whisper, and suddenly I felt like I could see something else, but not quite, “I feel weird… I can see something, like a memory or a dream but much more… real. Real… this place feels like a dream, like it is not real. I think I am seeing another plane, or is it another hallucination?”

“It feels stronger now, Its weird, I feel strong and capable here but over there I feel weak and I cant move or see… its getting stronger, oh no… am I ready to go. Ready to go to whatever awaits me?” I looked at the walls and the drawings, so much progress.

“Yes… yes I am ready. Ready to go to this new plane. Or am I already there? I am already half w-way n-ow. It… is h-har-d to ta-lk. G-good… b-b-bye.”

“Goodbye friend.” Said another voice. I smiled weakly, someone was listening, before I was suddenly pulled through into the new plane-

I heard voices, talking! Oh it’s been so long. I felt weary like was incredibly weak. I struggled to moan and jerk my arm. The action created an immediate change in the atmosphere around me.

“Oh my gosh! She’s-she’s coming back; doctor come quickly!” said a woman, a familiar voice… my mother!

I opened my eyes to see her face, she was wrinkled but unmistakable. “It’s been ten years! I can’t believe you’re back!”

“I c-cant b-believe it either.” I replied weakly and smiled. I felt warmth rush through my body as I came to remember a feeling long lost; a feeling called love.

Crazy_dude6662 · 06-20-2007, 09:01 AM

it was good, but you could have developed it a bit more, i didnt really fell shock or anthing when the woman came out of a coma (although i thought it would be a male)
i didnt notice too many mistakes
"I looked up the grate" should be "I looked up at the grate"
i think that was the only thing...

-CD

Ore-sama · 06-20-2007, 10:48 AM

An interesting piece of work. The first person POV worked perfectly in this instance. The story would've been akward if in any other POV so definetly a good choice there. I also enjoyed reading the main character talk about her life in such a manner, giving us just enough without pounding the point in like a hammer.

On the downside while the idea of the ending itself was good, it felt rushed and didn't leave the impact that was intended. Still, very good job overall.

Ice Tea Atonach · 06-22-2007, 10:43 PM

Thanks for the response! This was a kinda "start up" piece after a long time off (started my previous writing spree before my current break) so I didnt try to push myself lest it sound forced.

Now... time to find your stories...