The Razors Edge (flash, short, weird and rough) - Writers Forum

Funwriter · 06-19-2007, 05:12 PM

The Razors Edge:

Story by Funwriter

The razor seemed sharp enough and the task was easy enough, but the temperature of the bath water was just too damn cold. The overweight little man mumbled, I just can’t do anything right.

Martin was tired and his soul was tired too. He had ridden the ride and had his fill.

He set down his watch and a few other personal items next to the bath tub and walked over to the mirror. The rings under his eyes were there and so was the stubble of a tiresome day. Exertion was the least of his worries as he added hot water to the tub. This day just keeps getting worse, he thought.

His wife had left him for another man a few years back and his promotion had fallen through, leaving him in the same no-where position he'd been in for over a decade. The apartment was dingy. She hadn’t really left him, but more like thrown him out, keeping the comfortable home he purchased for her on their wedding day fifteen years ago.

He felt the water, noting it was just about right and began to undress. He had been fit once, lean, with a full head of thick black hair. Now, all he saw was a middle aged bureaucrat, pale with a paunch and going bald in all the wrong places.

He’d heard this was the most painless method and hoped it was true. While placing the new razor blade next to his personal things, he took off his white underwear noticing the small holes with a grin. No more laundry, he thought with a smile. He climbed into the tub and laid back, letting the warm water take away his anguish and prepare him for what he had to do. After a few minutes he reached over and grabbed the new blade, pulling the thick cardboard safety cover off. Strange, the silver blade felt so light and insignificant.

Leaving his arm underwater he moved the blade across his wrist. He thought, almost painless and smiled. Moving the blade to his other hand he did the same, seeing for the first time the water clouding crimson, he could taste a bit of copper in his mouth, nostrils flaring.

Letting the blade fall to the bottom of the bath, Martin laid back again and closed his eyes, feeling worry drift away with responsibility not far behind.

Martin thought to himself, thank god he'd had no children. He felt warmth envelop him and bliss settle deep into his soul.

He saw it: a warm white light, so bright and yet painless. Martin had heard of this but was surprised at his own consciousness. He no longer needed to open his eyes to see, he saw all now through his soul.

He felt himself moving away from his body and was looking down, seeing the husk of his former self in a dark red pool, surprised that he had once resided in there.

Being pulled away faster now, he began to notice something new creeping into his thoughts, surprise.

The world below was getting smaller. He could do nothing to stop its progress, he had a fish eye view as he had seen on TV, when watching footage from the space shuttle. He could make out the continents. Feeling very warm all over, as if being pushed into a furnace. Ethereal though he was, it was becoming uncomfortable.

It all stopped for a moment and he was in the vacuum. Stars brighter than ever before, surrounding him, then with a rush he was whisked away, blinding traces and colors all around him and something new creeped into his consciousness, fear.

Flung through space, light and dark colors, his soul changing form painfully, recklessly squeezed through holes in space.

The feel of being touched, memories of his wife, friends, mother and father. All things most valuable at once being torn from him, agonizing his soul, ripping away all that he was. He began to fight, knowing that he could not win. His soul screaming as it was shattered into micro shards, sentient no longer.

*

The being pulled its long thin appendage from the softly lit key that was decorated with a human form. It telepathically sent a message to the command center that the reprogramming could begin. Another one lost and so early in the experiment, these humans were simply too frail.

Floating away from the control panel, one could but marvel at the endless rows of softly lit keys and the endless life forms they represented.

Voodoo · 06-21-2007, 07:58 AM

An exercise in X files.

I mean that in an earnest manner. That shit was crazy.

Good job.

I'll give a better critique when I've time.

Funwriter · 06-22-2007, 05:48 AM

Thanks German Voodoo

Voodoo · 06-22-2007, 05:54 AM

I've tried suicide three times, with a small knife engraved with my name, a boxcutter, and a pink lady bic's razor. I never cut much deeper than the skin, and I never bled much, but I realize that it was a stupid thing to do. Your story helps to say that its stupid, with a twist. Just tighten up the ending. Your character development was brief, but effective.

LydiaJ · 06-22-2007, 04:45 PM

Personally, I enjoy stories about suicide because alot of us have thought about it, though most of us refuse to admit it. I like how you protrayed it, I found it different than most suicidal stories.

Anyways, I liked it alot. Good work.

Fossy · 06-22-2007, 07:10 PM

I liked it too and it really needs very little polish. I did feel sad for the guy, just wish I got to know him a {little} better, that's all.

Funwriter · 06-23-2007, 04:12 AM

Thanks for the replies, I have had some interesting responses to this short.

Some replies are very personal. This is important to me, it means that my tale had a link to some of your own thoughts and made you think a bit about mortality and the value of life.
Germanvoodoo, you seem such a smart and talented young man. Please do not attempt to take from those who love you their wonderful friend, child and or boyfriend.

Thanks again for reading. I have many other posts and will post more over the weekend.

Voodoo · 06-23-2007, 04:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

Germanvoodoo, you seem such a smart and talented young man. Please do not attempt to take from those who love you their wonderful friend, child and or boyfriend.

I've no boyfriend to speak of... Not the right pickings.

Funwriter · 06-23-2007, 04:15 AM

Lydia, I have found an interesting trend over the years. Some folks really enjoy horror and suicide stories and others really get offended by them.

Odd, I guess its each individuals sensibilities at play.

Thank you so much for reading it. I have more macabre posted and to come.

Azmakna · 06-25-2007, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

The Razors Edge:

Story by Funwriter

The razor seemed sharp enough and the task was easy enough, but the temperature of the bath water was just too damn cold. The overweight little man mumbled, I just can’t do anything right.

nice!

Martin was tired and his soul was tired too. He had ridden the ride and had his fill.

this feels adrift somehow. do you even need it?

He set down his watch and a few other personal items next to the bath tub and walked over to the mirror. The rings under his eyes were there and so was the stubble of a tiresome day. Exertion was the least of his worries as he added hot water to the tub. This day just keeps getting worse, he thought.

you mean lines right!? unless he has circles tattooed beneath his eyes.

His wife had left him for another man a few years back and his promotion had fallen through, leaving him in the same no-where position he'd been in for over a decade. The apartment was dingy. She hadn’t really left him, but more like thrown him out, keeping the small comfortable home he purchased for her on their wedding day fifteen years ago.

where did this sneaky little fellow come from? give him proper attention. feels awkward. why not just say 'she'd thrown him out...' lose 'small' would he have bought a house that wasn't comfortable? lose this. 'bought' would be simpler, but perhaps you could use the word 'surprised' to add to our feeling of misery for him.

He felt the water, noting it was just about right and began to undress.He had been fit once, lean, with a full head of thick black hair. Now, all he saw was a middle aged bureaucrat, pale with a paunch and going bald in all the wrong places.

why 'just about right'? be definite! why 'began' '...and undressed.' the balance isn't right here. you begin the sentence suggesting that you are going to explain what you mean by 'fit', throw us a bone with the word 'lean' and then talk about his hair instead. how can you go bald in all the wrong places???!!!!

He’d heard this was the most painless method and hoped it was true. While placing the new razor blade next to his personal things, he took off his white underwear noticing the small holes with a grin. No more laundry, he thought with a smile. He climbed into the tub and laid back, letting the warm water take away his anguish and prepare him for what he had to do. After a few minutes he reached over and grabbed the new blade, pulling the thick cardboard safety cover off. Strange, the silver blade felt so light and insignificant.

why did the holes make him grin? careful here, all you are saying is he wouldn't have to do laundry ever again. too abrupt. try 'soothed his concern' something along those lines. these minutes are dead, lose them or fill them. nice contrast this!

Leaving his arm underwater he moved the blade across his wrist. He thought, it's true, almost painless and smiled. Moving the blade to his other hand he did the same, seeing for the first time the water clouding with crimson, he could taste a bit of copper in his mouth his nostrils flaring.

'It's true, he thought...' i would lose this.

Letting the blade fall to the bottom of the bath, Martin laid back again and closed his eyes, feeling worry drift away with responsibility not far behind.

worry is a vague word, responsibility could be part of that worry, so i would change or remove 'worry'

Martin thought to himself, thank god he had had no children. He felt warmth envelop him and bliss settle deep into his soul.

because it's inner dialogue, you could write 'he'd' to make it sound less awkward.

He saw it: a warm white light, so bright and yet painless. Martin had heard of this but was surprised at his own consciousness. He no longer needed to open his eyes to see, he saw all now through his soul.

careful it doesn't start sounding twee.

He felt himself moving away from his body and was looking down, seeing the husk of his former self in a dark red pool, surprised that he had once resided in there.

Being pulled away faster now, he began to notice something new creeping into his thoughts, surprise.

it doesn't have to 'begin' be definite! can you notice something creeping into your thoughts anyway? perhaps you need to reword this.

The world below was getting rapidly smaller. He could do nothing to stop its progress, he now had a fish eye view as he had seen on TV, when watching footage from the space shuttle. He could make out the continents. Feeling very warm all over, as if being pushed into a furnace. Ethereal though he was, it was becoming uncomfortable.

warmth/furnace/warmth/furnace...mmmm

It all stopped for a moment and he was in the vacuum. Stars brighter than ever before, surrounding him, then with a rush he was whisked away, blinding traces and colors all around him and something new crept into his consciousness, fear.

Flung through space, light and dark colors, his soul changing form painfully, recklessly squeezed through holes in space.

The feel of being touched, memories of his wife, friends, mother and father. All these things most valuable at once being torn from him, agonizing his soul, ripping away all that he was. He began to fight, knowing that he could not win. His soul screaming as it was being shattered into micro shards, sentient no longer.

can a soul scream? why into micro shards? micro gives it an electronic feel
*

The being pulled its long thin appendage from the softly lit key that was decorated with a human form. It telepathically sent a message to the command center that the reprogramming could begin. Another one lost and so early in the experiment, these humans were simply too frail.

Floating away from the control panel, one could but marvel at the endless rows of softly lit keys and the endless life forms they represented.

this feels like just one moment from a bigger story. some of it needs enlarging upon to justify its presence

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 02:55 PM

Azmakna, thanks. Wow, you really gave it a go. I agree with much of your input and will take time and edit again soon.

Some things I'm not sure of:

" can a soul scream? why into micro shards? micro gives it an electronic feel " I am not sure if a soul screams, wanted to add some effect to the agony of the situation. So for me, yes it screams..

I used the word micro because micro is a term used for very small. The electronic bit is subjective on your part. I am trying to make this a science fiction macabre tale.

I am afraid if I cut to much it would lose my style. I'll give it a go later or tomorrow.
Oh yeah, Where I come from, we have rings under our eyes.

Very North American.

PS. Do you think I use to many adjectives?

Thank you so much, its great to have someone really the take time and put great effort into a critique. Brilliant as usual.

Azmakna · 06-25-2007, 03:15 PM

Quote:

I am afraid if I cut to much it would lose my style. I'll give it a go later or tomorrow.
Oh yeah, Where I come from, we have rings under our eyes. [IMG]images/smilies/icon_smile.gif[/IMG] Very North American.

only by cutting can you find your style. by cutting you can see how much you are filling and how much is actual story . unfortunately Micro is no longer subjective

Funwriter · 06-25-2007, 03:21 PM

Doesn't Micro come from microscopic.. I think the during the last two decades, the west moved it somewhere else with the term "microcomputer"...

Yeah, I know cut, cut and cut some more. If you look at my story, All in a Days Work, you'll see where I edited the shit out of the thing..

I'll get on it soon, and if you have time take a look and tell me what you think.

Thanks

Voodoo · 06-25-2007, 06:24 PM

The micro reniforces the final part of the piece, as in some sci fi aspect. Also, it infers that this guy's never coming back again...

ChrisF · 06-25-2007, 06:42 PM

I thought it was a cool story. Agree with a fair amount of what Az has said, although I'd be more in favour of keeping the obscure description (e.g. going bald in all the wrong places), because a) I think it's good imagery, and b) I think it's sustainable because it comes from the erratic thoughts of a man about to die.

I thought the ending was a bit weak, because obviously the man is pretty self-obsessed, and it's this obsession that is concentrated on in most of the narrative. There's a pseudo religious death experience, and then in a few short sentences you migrate from faith to science with a relatively awkward transition of micro shards (soul being predominantly the remit of faith, whilst micro seeming (as noted) quite scientific).

I think the ending could be really powerful if you reworded it slightly though. Perhaps make the experiment a bit clearer, and use "finger" instead of appendage [I presumed that some alien had pressed a button that had killed a human? Oddly though, the "softly lit key was decorated with a human form", which makes me think that the alien was moving away from a big panel that had on its surface the body of our protagonist. I'm sure this isn't what you mean, but that's the confusing image that was originally conjured by the text].

Overall though, I thought it was wicked, and really interesting! Cheers!