The Razors Edge (flash, short, weird and rough) - Page 3 - Writers Forum

Mortar&Pestle · 06-26-2007, 07:27 PM

I enjoyed this story. I've never slit my wrist, but I feel that he went from slitting his wrist to instantly 'passing out' or dieing. I believe there is actually a few minutes in between where there could be some interesting thoughts.

This story reminded me a lot of Isaac Asimov's "The Last Question". Check it out!

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 01:38 AM

M&P,

Thank you for reading my tale, I've never read the Asimov story. Will look for it on the net. Is it public domain or must I buy it in a book form?

*****

Update: I used my brain and hit your link... Thanks Reading it now.

Charlie_Eleanor · 06-27-2007, 06:16 AM

Funwriter...

I like your story...there are some really witty parts and I did enjoy it.

Overall as a writer I feel you are holding back. I feel there is more. That is not necessarily a bad things because it means good things are to come and you have room to grow. I would urge you to try and push the limitations of your writing every now and then. It would be fun to see what you come up with.

Well Done!

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 07:18 AM

Aimee, who is emo? I am not sure less adjectives helps much. Anything real to say ?

Charlie, Thanks, everyone has room to grow. I have a certain tempo I try to maintain. I also try and keep it easy to read and interesting. I will try and do better in the future. Please feel free to read and critique my other posts.

Thanks again.

Charlie_Eleanor · 06-27-2007, 07:21 AM

Funwriter: I just want to clarify that I am not saying you did a bad job. It is easy to read, and fun. I want you to know that I think you have a lot of potential and that is the only reason I am saying to try and push the envelope a little. Just wanted to make sure you understood that I really do think it was well done.

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 07:24 AM

Oh, I did, sorry, didn't mean to come across wrong. I was a bit distracted by Aimee's odd response.

Charlie, really appreciate it. I am writing 3 stories simultaneously and one will really make you interested.

Oh, just you wait and see.

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 07:26 AM

Speaking of witty, have you read The Horrors of War. I posted it a few days ago and though not incredible, I do think it witty.

Azmakna · 06-27-2007, 08:24 AM

Emo is short for Emotional and it is a sort of branch off movement from Goths

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 08:28 AM

Ok Az, what does she mean then with the statement. I guess I need to study Ubonics

Azmakna · 06-27-2007, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

Ok Az, what does she mean then with the statement. I guess I need to study Ubonics

she means you were being too emotional, but i'm not sure whether she's refering to the story or a post in this thread. i think it can also mean bathos

Funwriter · 06-27-2007, 09:44 AM

Thanks, I am really lost now. I guess I must ignore this one. Hey, just threw a new story to page. Man, I thought of this at luch and just had to type it out.

Very rough still but what the hell.

Mairi · 06-30-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

so a man about to die would have such random thoughts as his baldness!!?? in all the wrong places. i'm bald and no matter where it is it's in the wrong place. that is not negotiable as far as i'm concerned it has to change or go!

First of all, I must disagree with Az here. I think that the thoughts about baldness at a time like that really say a lot about the character. It helps to reinforce his insecurity. It made me feel sympathy for him (even though I am a woman with a full head of hair). I really could picture the scene and the emotions here.

I do agree with most of Az's other edits, though. And I would watch using the word "surprised" twice so close to each other. It feels repetitive:

Quote:

He felt himself moving away from his body and was looking down, seeing the husk of his former self in a dark red pool, surprised that he had once resided in there.

Being pulled away faster now, he began to notice something new creeping into his thoughts, surprise.

I absolutely loved this line:

Quote:

Strange, the silver blade felt so light and insignificant.

That really hammered it home for me.

I did think that the last part showing the aliens was unnecessary. At first, when you described the sensation of warmth and the suggestion of a furnace, I thought that the character was going to Hell. That would be a bitter and tragic ending, and probably the one that I would have chosen. The rest of the piece is very human and something that we can relate to. But the alien part breaks that feel and doesn't seem to fit. (Although it is an interesting idea, and definitely unexpected.)

It just seems to me that the story might be stronger without it.

That said, I thought that this piece was brilliant. I can see why it deserves publication. I definitely want to see what changes were made to it.

You made me think about my own life, and be grateful for the things that I have. Suicide is a waste of a precious life, and you have portrayed that well. That balding middle-aged man might have been plain and humble to himself, but he wasn't to me.

Thanks for an unforgettable experience with this one.

Mairi

Azmakna · 06-30-2007, 02:59 PM

critiquing critiques lol. nothing wrong with i'm often wrong... well sort of

all i know is that when i tried, i thought of why, to give me the guts to carry it out. (i was saved by a safety valve on the gas fire LOL) other people i have spoken to about this have had similar stories. but that's not to say that a character wouldn't, but i would want to know the character better to understand his mindset

Funwriter · 06-30-2007, 03:05 PM

Hey, I am more than often wrong, ask my kids!

I am pleased that Mairi checked this one out for me. I have an option to publish this and am contemplating it...

Thanks Mairi and Az, for a clear clean view on all my junk.

Mairi · 06-30-2007, 03:11 PM

Not junk, Chris.

Don't let the editors tell you what your story should be, unless it is what you believe also. The writing that we create is a piece of who we are, and we should stand up for that.

If you can get them to see eye to eye with you, I think that you should publish your work. Let other people experience what you have to say--it's worthy!

Mairi