MusicSoundsBetterWithYou

I entered this in a writing competition held in Australia back when i was in year 5. jsut wanting to share with you guys.
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Angel Of Her Dreams - River Ibe

Like dark, dusty snow his cigarette ash fell on the pavement, lightly touching the tip of his shoe. He watched as the grey tendril rose into the air and dissolved while the echo of her shoe still reverberated. He coughed lightly and dropped the butt of his cigarette and heavily stepped on it. Coughing again he put his hand to his mouth and found the splatter of crimson.

It had just finished raining and he could still smell its traces. The fluorescent glow of the nearby backdoor of the building cast a harsh gaze on the right side of his face and he winced slightly.

He had met her again for the third consecutive time in three weeks. An alleyway, not the most charming place to meet he thought wryly. She was still dreaming about her brother and how he fell…

That scene replayed in her head like a never ending newsreel, she begged him to rid her of her nightmares. He had struck a deal. For the price of her mortality… she said she’d think about it.

He took off his hat and walked to the end of the alleyway, gradually picking up his speed as two wings appeared from his back and he flew to the moon, disappearing into its light.

***




She glanced back at the coffee mug and thought about his proposition. Should I? She had sought his help after crying uncontrollably after her brother’s death. Living with the image of him falling in to an inky blackness consumed so much of her energy.

She thought about what he could offer.

Her musings were interrupted by a high pitched scream and a continuous shrill filled her ears so much that it hurt.

Then everything went black and she was asleep.

She woke up with a dull pain to her head. Opening her eyes she looked around, it was her old neighborhood from when she was a kid. She saw a younger version of her brother run by and she called out to him desperately before she was consumed with darkness again.

A trail of ash and dried blood lay in front of her, which she walked on to be met by him.

“You have come.”

Before she could respond he threw his cigarette butt and flew in to her, hitting her like a high velocity bullet. Turning, she was met with the same darkness, feeling empty,
a walking void…

Dead.

Looking down she watched him flying away, away from her carrying a shadow of herself.

Her hair turned grey as her face aged rapidly.



“Don’t take it away… don’t take me away.” She cried out to him hysterically.


She was only answered with an echo of his voice. “Sleep… be at peace.” And the hammering of her heart.


She stood there alone.

Forgetting everything.

Before loneliness killed her.

Paige Turner

This confused me but it held my attention to the end. I'm still a bit confused. I got some kind of feeling that she sold her soul to the devil. Am I way off?
No matter, I liked the way you wrote it.
I'm going to look for more of your work.

__________________



i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

Azmakna

i was confused in the end. i think this is the bare bones of a part of a story, nothing more. how did this do in that competition?

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

bunnybadass

this confused me too...sort of throughout the whole thing. first i thought she sold her soul to the devil, but then at the end, she died anyway...so she died of the loneliness despite of the soul selling?
::this is my confused face::
but, through the confusion, it did read really well. except (for me) again at the end where she blacks out at the coffee shop and then everything gets jumpy and choppy.

MusicSoundsBetterWithYou

yeh i was in yr 5 at the time so i was like 11 and i was going for a full dramatic effect. i got to the state finals with this story but yes, inevtibly(sp) failed because it was confusing.

In essence, she was haunted by her memories of her brother's death. He drowned, in which she could've saved him but didn't.
She sold her soul to a devil, a twisted one at taht, who didn't keep his promise and she soon died anyway.

I dunno that how i remember the story went when i was writing. We were also limited to about 400 or 500 words so it made it harder for me to write.
But yeh. thx for the tips Azmakna.

Azmakna

for 11 years old, that is incredible. i'm going to scout for some of your recent stuff and see if you have improved

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com