Diverse

She walks down the narrow road, lonely and unaware of her loneliness. Caught up in so much love she cannot help but speak aloud her mind as it drifts with memories of her present love...

'Who would ever thought you would be mine? I could have dreamed it over a million times, and so I did. Now look at us. Once again; I am young and in love. And if this feeling ever left me, I wouldn't know what to do nor say. Some of the littlest things you say can make me smile. No matter if you were being silly, joking about how you threw your cereal in the sink because you were depressed. Or when you take it on the other side, the serious side, and tell me that I mean the world to you. Either way it goes, you still leave a smile on this little girl's face, every time I talk to you. Every time I think about. Every time I hear your name, you can guarantee I will be all smiles!

'Over the course of months of me longing for you to be mine, I often sat back; thinking of what to say to you. If I ever got the guts to call. But when I did, you were never home. Even so, when you were home, we would just sit in silence. Funny thing about that. Now, we talk more than ever. We run up the batteries of our cordless phones, and we ring the phones off each others hooks. Heck, we even wake each other up! But what more can I say? I have this strong feeling towards you, and it won't go away.

'No... scratch that...' She smiles with confusion.
'I won't let it go away...

'I've come too far to even think of us breaking up. I've kept it a secret from you for a month; how much I wanted to be with you. Until I just had to tell somebody. Thank goodness for that somebody. I was so caught up in getting your attention that I couldn't focus. It almost felt as if I couldn't breathe. But I kept holding on. I kept on tugging on Jon, asking him silly questions about you. I know I ran his nerves up a wall! I kept on living on, and I kept the feeling that one day.. just one.. that you would be mine. So I could know what it was like to fall in love with somebody I longed to be with. And not just some playa on the side.

'And then, the night came that you felt you should call. And you did, and we talked for quiet a while before you told me something I could never forget. How you felt about me. I could have cried right then and there, and I could have told you how long I wanted you to be mine...

'So.. look at us now.. Once again; I am young and in love...

'With somebody I am glad to be with.'

__________________
Optimus Prime: Our medical officer, Ratchet.
Ratchet: The boys pheromone level suggests he wants to mate with the female..

Voodoo

I spotted a couple grammatical errors. - I wouldn't know what to do nor say.

The "nor" should be "or", or you could change the sentence to, "I would neither know what to do, nor what to say..." That adds parallell structure, carries the thought better.

Also, the word "quiet" should be "quite", but thats a forgiven error.

The monologue seems a bit dry, Diverse. This is a powerful topic. Its love. Not the word "love." You must feel that drift in the back of your throat, or in your forehead, for this to be a touching piece. Go through and pick every piece of text that doesn't suit it for you, as this is a rather personal piece, and make it better.

I actually did enjoy the final sentence, though. It made me imagine your warm smile, after struggling so long for it with your beau, and it made me smile.

I like the way you write, Diverse. You will do well with exploring feminine concepts of emotion and making them more adept for literature.

Final critique is simply revamp the thoughts. It needs to flow better. Thoughts are lighting quick, escpecially on this subject matter. It needs to flow better, quicker, but still be paced so that it doesn't confuse the reader or become muddled.

Hope this helped,
Voodoo, for my favorite sister

Diverse

Talking about love like this- it's always been a weakness to me. But I carry out and try to beat around the bush on such subjects.

I fully understand you, hon, and thanks for your input. I will consider all you have said!

__________________
Optimus Prime: Our medical officer, Ratchet.
Ratchet: The boys pheromone level suggests he wants to mate with the female..

Voodoo

Everyone has troubles with the love- its containment and execution. Its a crypt that we try to carry through. But its not even that.