Something Shiny (freaky, flash, short, rough) - Writers Forum

Funwriter · 06-17-2007, 05:09 PM

A short story by Funwriter

When he picked it up, it glimmered oddly and he knew right away he’d found something cool. It was light, metallic and changed colors continuously. The thing had an odd feel, like a dolphin’s skin, unexpected and very foreign.

A closer examination proved to be useless. His imagination running wild, he thought this thing is definitely alien or maybe a part of a new spaceship from one of our government’s secret projects. Pocketing the object, the teen ran quickly to catch his bus and get to his classes.

After arriving at home, he tossed the backpack on the ground next to the door and headed up the stairs, the thing he’d found forgotten. He listened to some music, modern grunge, and started his home work for the next day.

*
Sharon was doing laundry again. It seemed that her life revolved around this task. While prepping the clothes for the machine she found something strange and wondrous in her son’s jeans. She held it for a moment, kind of weighing it, thinking it had a strange feel to it, nothing she could put her finger on, just different. She carefully put it in her pocket and made a mental note not to discuss this with her husband, he would never understand.

Later that night, when everyone was in bed asleep, Sharon quietly climbed out of bed and headed to her sewing room. This was her private domain, she pulled out the luminescent object. The thing felt heavier than before. She felt warm all over as if it exuded heat, the glow took her and she shivered and smiled. She felt good;better than she had in years. Sharon knew exactly what she was supposed to do. She got up and moved with a purpose.

Entering the kitchen she turned the knobs on the gas stove and quickly walked over to a drawer where she pulled out some matches. Exiting the back door, Sharon gingerly grabbed the lighting fluid for the new barbecue she had bought her husband for his birthday last summer, she felt so good, just like walking on air.

She opened the bottle, stuffing in a piece of oily rag her husband had left laying next to the BBQ. Sharon entered and closed the back door behind her and headed through the house to the front door. She opened the front door humming an old Dean Martin tune, lighting the rag at the same time. The rag lit with a POOF, her hand slightly burned, but she didn’t even notice, and tossed the package towards the kitchen. Closing the door softly, she walked down the steps and moved to the side walk and sat down feeling truly satisfied.

*
Sgt. Benson arrived on the scene and was shocked, the house was burnt to the ground and the woman in custody was the mother; she was also the arson. Sgt. Benson had seen a lot of things in her career but this one took the cake.

While putting the woman in the squad car Sgt. Benson saw something shiny fall out of the woman’s pocket. She bent down and picked it up and thought the thing had an unusual feel to it. She made a mental note not to enter it into the log or the woman’s personals pouch later. The others, they would never understand.

Sgt. Benson left the precinct with a smile on her face. She felt good, better than she had in years. Humming an old Dean Martin tune; she knew exactly where she was going and what she had to do.

***
"Start spreadin' the news, da da tada da."

sierra alpha · 06-18-2007, 06:05 PM

This is really good. I like the idea. I like the fact that the 'thing' is never identified. And I like your repetition of events, very clever. Dean Martin detail = genius.

Just a few things:
The first paragraph seems out of place to me. It feels like the story doesn't get going until we meet Sharon. Also, I don't understand why the boy doesn't go all freaky and start humming Dean Martin. I understand that you need to contextualise the appearence of this thingy, but this first paragraph just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story.

Parts of it seem a bit crowbarred in, like the boy's age:

Quote:

his young imagination running wild

and

Quote:

the teen moved quickly

Just feels like you're trying too hard to get his age across.

How would it be if you cut out the first paragraph entirely? Start the story with Sharon finding the gizmo in her son's pocket, that way the son is still introduced (making her burning down of the house all the more tragic, of course), but doesn't destract from the creepy goings on.

Just a thought, anyways. Overall, I enjoyed this, and the ending is super neat.

Funwriter · 06-19-2007, 08:44 AM

Sierra Alpha,

thank you for taking the time to read it. Thanks for the idea about the first sentence. I wanted to make it clear that the thing only has this freaky effect on females not males. Sorry, guessit did not come over to well.

Thanks again and I am glad you liked it. Please take a moment to read my other posts if you have time.

Azmakna · 06-19-2007, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

A short story by Funwriter

He picked it up, it glimmered oddly and he knew right away he’d found something cool. It was light, metallic and seemed to change colors continuously. The thing had an odd feel, like a dolphin’s skin, unexpected and very foreign.

nothing wrong with this!

A closer examination proved to be useless; his young imagination running wild, he thought this thing is definitely alien or maybe a part of a new spaceship from one of our government’s secret projects. Pocketing the object, the teen moved quickly to catch his bus and get to his classes.

i know that your intention is to give the reader an idea of how old the protagonist is here, but it feels out of place here. i would flag it somehow in the first paragraph. 'was' see, you flag it here anyway. this turns movement into action. it could mean that he waved his hand more vigorously... se what i mean? change 'moved' to 'ran' and you have movement.

Coming home, he tossed the backpack on the ground next to the door and headed up the stairs. The thing he’d found forgotten. He listened to some music, modern grunge, and started his home work for the next day.

he's still on the move, then he's there!? 'after he got home' link this with a comma to the previous sentence. 'he listened to Gunge...'

*
Sharon was doing laundry again; it seemed to her, that her life revolved around this task. While prepping the clothes for the machine she found something strange and wondrous in her son’s jeans. She held it for a moment, kind of weighing it, thinking it had a strange feel to it, nothing she could put her finger on, just different. She carefully put it in her pocket and made a mental note not to discuss this with her husband, he would never understand.

this sentence is disjointed as if everything she's doing here is seen through a different lens. and why 'kind' of weighing it. be definite!

Later that night, when everyone was in bed asleep, Sharon quietly climbed out of bed and headed to her sewing room. This was her private domain, she pulled out the luminescent thing she'd found in her son's jeans. The object felt heavier than before(.) she felt warm all over as if it exuded a certain heat, the glow took her, and she shivered and smiled. She felt good; maybe better than she had in years. Sharon knew exactly what she was supposed to do; she got up and moved with a purpose.

lose this and you don't repeat the word 'bed' fullstop. i would change or lose some of this. there is no point in reminding us of something that happen a couple of paragraphs ago. perhaps if it was 10 pages or so, that would be okay. where did it take her?

Entering the kitchen she turned the knobs on the gas stove and quickly walked over to a drawer where she methodically pulled out some matches. Exiting the back door, Sharon gingerly grabbed the lighting fluid for the new barbecue she had purchased her husband for his birthday last summer, she felt so good, just like walking on air.

this is too complicated for such a simple task. lose methodical too you can lose this, its of no importance. also, if she was being controlled, emotion would be absent. '...she had bought her husband...' clique

She opened the bottle, stuffing in a piece of oily rag her husband had left laying next to the BBQ. Sharon entered and closed the back door behind her and headed through the house to the front door. She opened the front door humming an old Dean Martin tune lighting the rag at the same time. The rag lit with a POOF and her hand was slightly burned, she didn’t even notice,and tossed the package towards the kitchen. Closing the door softly, she walked down the steps and moved to the side walk and sat down feeling truly satisfied.

try to make the movement here more natural and revise your punctuation.

*
Sgt. Benson arrived on the scene and was shocked, the house was burnt to the ground and the woman in custody was the mother; she also seemed to be the arson. She thought to herself, she had seen a lot of things in her career but this one takes the cake.

yes it's thought, but it's a clique too. if it can be avoided, do it.

While putting the woman in the squad car Sgt. Benson saw something shiny fall out of the woman’s pocket. She bent down and picked it up and thought the thing had an unusual feel to it. She made a mental note not to enter it into the log or the woman’s personals pouch later. The others, they would never understand.

pivotal paragraph and deserves a lot of revision leading to it!

Sgt. Benson left the precinct with a smile on her face, she felt good, better than she had in years. Humming an old Dean Martin tune; she knew exactly where she was going and what she had to do.

***
"Start spreadin' the news, da da tada da."

as a story i feel it's lacking, but as an exercise in improving your writers voice, it's really good.

Funwriter · 06-19-2007, 02:11 PM

Azmakna,
thank you for the great and time consuming critique. This is really good feedback, and I appreciate your good tips. I have changed a few things with your ideas in mind. This is the reason I joined this forum, very helpful.

Azmakna · 06-19-2007, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

Azmakna,
thank you for the great and time consuming critique. This is really good feedback, and I appreciate your good tips. I have changed a few things with your ideas in mind. This is the reason I joined this forum, very helpful.

i'll go through it again later if i get the time and take a deeper look

Azmakna · 06-19-2007, 03:13 PM

Lets do this again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funwriter

A short story by Funwriter

He picked it up, it glimmered oddly and he knew right away he’d found something cool. It was light, metallic and seemed to change colors continuously. The thing had an odd feel, like a dolphin’s skin, unexpected and very foreign.

at the minute there are two sentences here. just add 'when he...' lose this.

A closer examination proved to be useless(.) his imagination running wild, he thought this thing (was) definitely alien or maybe a part of a new spaceship from one of our government’s secret projects. Pocketing the object, the teen ran quickly to catch his bus and get to his classes.

Coming home, he tossed the backpack on the ground next to the door and headed up the stairs, the thing he’d found forgotten. He listened to some music, modern grunge, and started his home work for the next day.

'After arriving home'
*
Sharon was doing (the) laundry again. It seemed that her life revolved around this task. While prepping the clothes for the machine she found something strange and wondrous in her son’s jeans. She held it for a moment, kind of weighing it, thinking it had a strange feel to it, nothing she could put her finger on, just different. She carefully put it in her pocket and made a mental note not to discuss this with her husband, he would never understand.

you really don't need this, but if you cut it, you may need to rearrange the sentence so that there are less breaks in the flow.

Later that night, when everyone was in bed asleep, Sharon quietly climbed out of bed and headed to her sewing room. This was her private domain, she pulled out the luminescent thing she'd found in her son's jeans. The object felt heavier than before. She felt warm all over as if it exuded heat, the glow took her, and she shivered and smiled. She felt good;better than she had in years. Sharon knew exactly what she was supposed to do. She got up and moved with a purpose.

lose this. i would replace all of this with 'object' we really don't need to be told where she got it, again. if you take that advice, change this to 'thing'.

Entering the kitchen she turned the knobs on the gas stove and quickly walked over to a drawer where she methodically pulled out some matches. Exiting the back door, Sharon gingerly grabbed the lighting fluid for the new barbecue she had purchased her husband for his birthday last summer, she felt so good, just like walking on air.

i still have issue with this. if you feel as though you want to keep this then it should be placed after the word 'fluid' but that means revising the sentence structure. 'purchased for' or 'bought' i would go with the latter. i would just lose this

She opened the bottle, stuffing in a piece of oily rag her husband had left laying next to the BBQ. Sharon entered and closed the back door behind her and headed through the house to the front door. She opened the front door humming an old Dean Martin tune, lighting the rag at the same time. The rag lit with a POOF, her hand slightly burned, (but) she didn’t even notice, and tossed the package towards the kitchen. Closing the door softly, she walked down the steps and moved to the side walk and sat down feeling truly satisfied.

flip

*
Sgt. Benson arrived on the scene and was shocked (.) the house was burnt to the ground and the woman in custody was the mother; she was also the (arsonist). Sgt. Benson had seen a lot of things in her career but this one (took) the cake.

i would still think of something less cliched.

While putting the woman in the squad car Sgt. Benson saw something shiny fall out of the woman’s pocket. She bent down and picked it up and thought the thing had an unusual feel to it. She made a mental note not to enter it into the log or the woman’s personals pouch later. The others, they would never understand.

Sgt. Benson left the precinct with a smile on her face (.) she felt good, better than she had in years. Humming an old Dean Martin tune; she knew exactly where she was going and what she had to do.

"Start spreadin' the news, da da tada da."

do you think it sounds better yourself? i think it's a huge improvement, but then again i'm biased lol. i hope you have kept your forst draft because when you have finished revising this, you will be able to compare the two

Funwriter · 06-19-2007, 04:19 PM

I made a couple of more changes and have read both my old rough and the edited version with your tips. I agree, it reads smoother now yet has the pulp of the unedited version. Thanks, great help and a sharp eye.

If you have time read some of my other posts, always open for good critique and help.

Thanks again.

Mairi · 06-30-2007, 03:40 PM

I like it. The mystery and alien feel are brilliantly subtle. I agree with Az's suggestions for revision. (Helpful fella, isn't he? Az, I am glad you are here for the technical part because that is definitely not my forte. . .)

Keep polishing and working on this. It is fun to read and quite engaging. I was immediately drawn in from the first sentence.

I like that fact that you never try to explain the object, or describe it too much. That keeps in interesting and really kicks the reader's imagination into overdrive.

You have done an excellent job at putting a vivid story onto such a tiny canvas. Keep it up--your flash fiction is wonderful!

Mairi

Mairi · 06-30-2007, 03:41 PM

Another thing. . .

Great title! I love shiny stuff. . .lol.

Mairi

Richie.S · 06-30-2007, 04:30 PM

Another good story, though in this case I feel that it requires a lot of restructuring, particularly in the middle bit.
Keep at it though.

Funwriter · 07-01-2007, 09:51 AM

Richie, thanks, i'll have another look at it and maybe edit it again. I like it how it is though.