Guilt (very short) - Writers Forum

rachiesmif · 06-17-2007, 04:44 PM

I want all my work off the net. sorry, I dunno how to delete it. I think its becayse of teh posts below.

Thanks.

Kyrie · 06-17-2007, 04:46 PM

*shivers* I like it. You should try to make it a little longer and see where it goes.

rachiesmif · 06-17-2007, 04:58 PM

Thankyou. I was thinking about making it longer but most things I write tend to drag on and on, so this was a nice change for me.

I know another writer that writes these micro stories, they are really short, maybe even shorter than this, but still just as good as any longer story. I have always wanted to write one, and now I have

I have a longer post in the 'Fiction' area if you would like to have a read? Its called 'Swear Down...'

Thanks for the comment Kyrie, I'll be sure to check out your work soon.

Rachiesmif

Funwriter · 06-17-2007, 05:03 PM

Rachel, as usual, cool and scary.

Azmakna · 06-17-2007, 06:05 PM

mmmmmmmmmmm not sure about this... if the intention was to shock then maybe you achieved that, but when i pins in my hamsters eyes i wouldn't have thought about writing about it. (sorry if that was shocking... but if i called it a story, it would be okay... right?) it needs to be longer and i want to know more about the character.

Voodoo · 06-18-2007, 01:25 AM

very venomous almost erotically so. jk, cant post much now... loved the ending...

sallyoquy · 06-18-2007, 01:36 AM

After I read the first line I didnt want to read anymore but found I had to It gave me the chills and I loved the ending. It would be an excellent start to a longer story. I would like to know the why's and who's.

Voodoo · 06-18-2007, 01:38 AM

decadence allows no understanding. just the kernel of simple humanity.

Rob · 06-18-2007, 01:57 AM

It probably achieves what you wanted, which is the reader's twitch as he or she realises the girl/woman has switched from animals to people. As a story that's about all it does, which is probably fine when you're working to such a constraint on word count. I would have to disagree though about stories like this being as good as longer stories, for the simple reason that you could do a lot more with this if you expanded it. Not that you have to, of course, but the scope is there. As written the character is shallow, we don't really get into the character's mind at all despite what we're told, it's not particularly dark despite the subject, and at the end all we get is that twitch. Once that's done we've moved on and forgotten it (like much fiction of this type at this length). A longer version would give you an opportunity to write something darker and more memorable. That's not a weakness, necessarily, of this version, but maybe some time you might want to see how far you could take this, as an exercise if nothing else.

Cheers,
Rob

blackthorn · 06-18-2007, 09:04 AM

So she beat up pets? That's so wrong! Then one day, she moves from dogs to humans? That's scary....but it makes a good story!

Keep going! I'd like to see where it goes!

rydenthorne · 06-18-2007, 09:20 AM

Wow, you really got me there! That was just plain creepy. I felt guilty just reading what she was doing to those animals and then to the baby. Something I might add for realism about the cat- if you're going to drown a cat, it's going to scratch the hell out of you while you're holding it under. I know my cats scratch me for the most minor thing, so a drowning cat is going to mess up her arms, and she might have to explain that away somehow...

rachiesmif · 06-18-2007, 10:22 AM

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting, I didn't think I would get this many replies.

Thanks Funwriter

Azmakna, thanks for the suggestion. Many people have said that they might prefer this longer. I did want it short but after so many people telling me this I'll probably decide to add more to it at some point.

Sallyoquy, did you not like the start because of the animal cruelty? I am an animal lover myself and would never dream of letting anything like this happen to animals around me. About the why's, that would be okay to add to a longer version. But the who's is a little different. Someone once said to give the character a name, but I wanted the story to feel like perhaps she was writing it herself, and that is why the 'she' is used. But if I was to make it longer obviously a name would have to be used.

Rob, hmm, maybe you're right. I know longer stories are full of details and excellent descriptiosn, and that must be what you like. I usually write long stories so, as I said earlier, this was a nice change. It is nothing brilliant compared to those micro stories that the other guy writes.

Rydenthorne, thats something to consider if I make this longer. I will deffinately add that in. I have a good idea where she can say the scratches come from too ^_^

Thanks again to you all.

Rachiesmif

Funwriter · 06-18-2007, 11:08 AM

Rob,

I hate to disagree, but I believe that all stories needn't be long and totally descriptive. I think it is refreshing to have someone get to the point quick and have me on the edge for a few short exciting moments. I am not sure I need to know everything about the character and may not even want to as long as I get it and have something to take with me after reading it (like a chill and the hairs on my neck rising).

I think it is much harder to write a moving short story than it is a long descriptive one. Have you tried?

It’s odd, I was sending in work to publishers, and the editors always said trim this and trim that. I started taking it as a challenge to put as much into as few words as possible. I enjoy this task, and find it quite tough to do.

Azmakna · 06-18-2007, 11:11 AM

Funwriter, i think Rob was referring to this story specifically. he is right (which annoys the hell out of me sometimes lol) this is really only a moment of cruelty and not a diagnosis of the mindset of a cruel person.

rachiesmif · 06-18-2007, 11:13 AM

Hmm yes, I think it's awfully hard to write shorties because you need description and emotion and plot and whatever else there is, all in such a short piece.

Editors and Publishers! Pft, they always think they know better!

Rachiesmif