Funwriter

All in a days work.
Episode 1


I followed wondering if she noticed me; she was a beauty and knew it. Her hair so black and legs long and thin, she had a perky walk and clutched her purse nervously like it contained something valuable. As she went down the escalator towards the ground floor I could see the perfect part in her hair.

I moved faster now picking up speed, she slowed to look at some woollen scarves though winter was months away. The exit was in plain site and I was still walking not to raise any attention but picking up speed nonetheless.

Two meters away, I leaned forward and hit the needed tempo for the job. Shoulder and elbow an arrow, I caught her hard and snatched with all my might, her wind gone and no sound as she fell. With blood humming in my ears I was passing through the exit a blur to entering customers.

I moved it under my jacket, bringing the pace back to normal, safe zone within sight.

The alley was cramped and dark but I could still see the contents

Pocketing the credits and feeling my pulse pick up I saw it shiny and small. It was light to the touch, I slipped it in and the images came in a wash, children and men, her story, her soul.

My legs shaky as I move out the other side of the alley, feeling saturated. A shake of the head and her life’s images drift away, I can’t help but grin..

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FW

Diverse

I feel you are missing soemthing here, something that would bring this passage together clearly. You lack some words needed, but I cannot yet point them out.

It's unclear here what you are meaning to say, but it's also understood in a way.

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Optimus Prime: Our medical officer, Ratchet.
Ratchet: The boys pheromone level suggests he wants to mate with the female..

Funwriter

Diverse,

Looks like a comma.

Actually, I was refering to his body in the form of an arrow... A mix of mental and phsyical prep for the task at hand.

Thank you so much for reading this and your feedback.

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FW

Rob

Not much here to comment on. As it's posted in the short story forum, do you really need to write this as episodes or couldn't you just write the whole short story and post it instead?

I don't feel that your opening has really done enough to give me an idea of what the story is about, who this character is, what the story goal is, and so on. No doubt those questions will be answered when you've posted more, so in the interests of getting more useful feedback, I'd say just finish the story and post it whole.

Cheers,
Rob

Funwriter

Rob, thank you for reading it. Well, I guess I did what I set out to do. Make you wonder, who in the hell is this bad guy and what is he up to.

As to the episode question: Yep, this is a serial and it comes in episodes. I have posted number two already and will post the others when I have a chance.

Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I hope you continue to read the rest of the serial and I would enjoy more feedback.

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FW