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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 06-14-2007, 04:04 PM   #1
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The Gambling Addict (About 900 words)

Hi guys, haven't posted anything in sometime. This is a story I wrote for my language arts class, any comments are appreciated. Hope you enjoy.

The Gambling Addict

The security guard known only as Mr. Briggs had never understood the joys of gambling. He was raised strictly Catholic and knew the immoral aspects of the diversion. And yet, four years back out of an intense curiosity and sheer proximity of the Casinos, Mr. Briggs had wandered into one of the titanic structures like Adam to the forbidden fruit. The man was one of the few not to be drawn in immediately. One of the few not become addicted. Mr. Briggs was of a dying breed.

Fred Ross, on the other hand, was another story. A father of three and a wife with tolerance comparable to Gandhi, Ross loved to gamble. The incessant whining and bright fluorescent lights of the slot machines had become as familiar to him as his own reflection. To say that Fred lived at the Casinos would not be a wild stretch of the imagination. Fred’s family did not complain much, for his lack of time with them was justified by the sufficient lifestyle a seasoned gambler’s winnings brought them.

Mr. Briggs adjusted his collar indifferently. He leaned over a railing overlooking the first floor. His suit flaunted his muscles while oozing intimidation and sacrificing comfort, allowing him to stay alert. A vibration in his ear breached the buzz of the sounds of gambling. “A minor disturbance by the blackjack tables, please investigate,” instructed a monotonous female voice. Mr. Briggs scanned the crowds for anything unusual and spotted a man scouring the floor for something while crawling frantically. Pitiful.
A single coin would do the trick. One more coin to win the day’s jackpot. Fred Ross dropped his chance, which rolled under the legs of an oblivious crowd. Fred’s dropped currency avoided him like a bad movie. He tried maneuvering between people but decided to drop to all fours to keep the coin in view. This did not fare well with the average person, and cries of surprise and disgust accompanied Fred en route to the shiny prize. After miles of chasing this singular object, it at last slowed to a halt. Fred dove at the coin and a smile erupted on his face. Only then did he notice that he had snatched the coin from between two well-polished shoes. Fred’s grin gradually faded as he looked up a professional suit into a blank face partially hidden by superfluous sunglasses. His appearance and expression reeked of condemnation. Yet when the man spoke to him, his voice emanated sympathy.

“Sir, is there something wrong?” Fred got to his feet.
“Umm, no. I’m fine,” a gaze at the name tag. “Thanks for your concern, Mr. Briggs.” The man smiled and nodded.

“You be careful now,” Mr. Briggs lowered his voice. “You can lose more than a few bucks at this place.” Fred bobbed his head once and hastily returned to the slot machines. Mr. Briggs sighed.


Fred lay back in his soft leather recliner. The sounds of the television and his family’s voices fused into one incomprehensible drone. Boredom chewed him like taffy until at last he decided that he must get back to the Casinos for just one round of poker or a game of craps. He muttered an excuse to his wife before sidling out the front door. They both knew where he was going.

Pure unfortunate luck. Another lost poker hand and Fred’s pockets were getting slim. He asked to be dealt another hand but was interrupted by the dealer.

“Sir, by the Fair Practice Statute of 2024 I must tell you that gambling can be an addictive activity with negative implications and that I urge you to stop.” The law was a joke.

After oh-so-many gambles the statement was required, but it simply had no effect on people. They knew the dangers of gambling and a sentence could not change an addiction.

“I think I’ll keep going,” Fred said sarcastically.

“That’s what I thought sir,” said the dealer with a smile.

An hour later with the same luck brought him to the high-stakes table. Usually he just watched someone win it big or lose it all. But this time was different. It was fate. He was drawn in like a bee to honey. Fred was spellbound, and ready for his big break. He took out his car keys and thrust them down onto the table. Keys to the family car which had been used for the better part of a decade. In the blink of an eye it belonged to the casino.
Fred’s head pounded, a thunderous roar echoed throughout. He just needed one more try to beat the system. All of the losses of the day had purposely led him to this point, Fred was sure of it. There was but one thing to wager, but Fred hesitated. The Final Gamble. He felt the rush and enjoyed the moment. Fred took out his wallet and dropped a picture onto the table. A picture of his wife and kids. Fate would not let him lose them.

“I’m about to put your casino into bankruptcy,” Fred roared.
Mr. Briggs made a brisk, uninterrupted walk to his post every day at 6 A.M. A recognizable man stopped this daily routine.

“Just one more coin is all I need. I’ve got it all figured out,” the stranger said with a familiar, desperate look in his eye. “Just one coin and I’ll win them back.”
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Old 06-14-2007, 11:35 PM   #2
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Wow, that was good. The ending was written so well, I think my jaw actually dropped. Keep writing (and posting)!
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Old 06-15-2007, 04:36 AM   #3
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It was just too cliche, the whole thing. There was no new perspective brought the reader's attention. A catholic-raised securtiy guard, one more drop of the coin, loosing your car? All these things is what people picture even if they've never been to a casino. Give us some new insight. And watch the metaphors. Too many cheapens the piece. There is something here though, writing about gamblers and casinos. You just have to dig for it to make it stand out from the rest. Take it from me. I 'm a black jack dealer. Been there, done that. As for the prose, it was decent, but it didn't shine through. Keep writing. Good luck.

Last edited by snorrie : 06-15-2007 at 04:39 AM.
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Old 06-15-2007, 08:17 PM   #4
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I agree with snorrie, it's a bit cliche, but I find you don't set up your characters well enough. If you're going to take a 'commonplace' setting (in literature, at least) you have to have characters that are a bit out of the norm. We have seen the casino robbers. We have seen the big spenders. We have seen the Las Vegas showgirls. We have seen the crisp by-the-book security guards. && especially we have seen the gambling addicts.

I find your progression from the beginning to the end of the story does not layer on the addiction to gambling that Fred has very well. It could be emphasized & swell into a cresendo at the end, which would heighten the suspense. However, I liked your use of a sort of cliffhanger, meaning that we don't know if he'll win or lose, but again, the taking out of the photograph is sort of a been-there-done-that-got-the-tshirt sort of experience and/or a badly made antigambling-addiction commercial.

I'd say your overall plot is admirable but deja-vu, but I'd like to see you bring it to the next level. Good luck.
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Old 06-18-2007, 05:28 PM   #5
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Thanks a bunch for the feedback.
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Old 06-18-2007, 06:44 PM   #6
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You seem mad.

Learn to accept harsh criticism instead of empty praise.
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Old 06-18-2007, 08:16 PM   #7
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Not feedback, but you might really enjoy the work of Tom Kakonis. He has a series featuring a hard-bitten recovering gambling addict. Very much like Elmore Leonard, even to the Michigan/Florida settings. But weightier novels, I'd say.
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Old 06-30-2007, 10:43 PM   #8
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Wasn't mad, just have a habit of saying "thanks a bunch" when thanking people
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