His New Years Resolution - Writers Forum

Diverse · 06-10-2007, 07:31 PM

He waits, watching as the Mets bus pulls to a stop in front of him. He places his favorite possession near a shrub, climbing onto the bus, releasing his only drinking money. He feels a shot of discomfort, as he is quick to find a seat. Resting his head on the window, he looks at all the passing cars, all the passing people who seem more sober than he would ever be on this New Years night. Trying to hold on, he closes his eyes, thinking of how short of a ride it will be to his house. And he holds on; tightly.

Rushing to his front door, he fumbles to get the key in place, praying the key doesn‘t break. Home sweet home. He slams the door, Buddy rushing to his side. 'Hi little guy'. Buddy follows his every step. He heads to the counter, pulling a cabinet open. He stares at the bottle, one of his favorite possessions. He thinks: Its the New Years, so what? But then he is reminded why he sleeps alone now. Why his son won't even come and visit him. He doesn't cry. And he doesn't even dare to open that bottle.

He simply throws it out, knowing if he tried to pour it out; it would only pour down his tired throat. Watching Buddy stare at the fire in the fireplace, he begins to think up a New Years Resolution, one that would bring his family back together forever. He stands, Buddy watching him carefully. He smiles at him, patting his head. He walks down the hall to his bedroom, entering his closet. He returns, looking out his window as he watches the children pop firecrackers. He smiles, 'Just the right time'. He opens the front door, Buddy running to the children as they pet him, playing with him. He smiles even more. With his simple plan in mind, he knew the outcome of it would be electrifying.

He knew it was the only plan he could come up with that would satisfy him and his once-perfect-family. Isn't that how it always goes? He knew he was the bad guy in the picture, and he knew it was time to fix the picture forever...

And with one shot, it made a picture-perfect reaction.

Voodoo · 06-23-2007, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovely

And he holds on; tightly.

Use a comma, love.

Break up your paragraphs.

You put, "He little guy." Should be "hey."

H

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovely

e simply throws it out, knowing if he tried to pour it out; it would only pour down his tired throat.

No semicolon. Good sentence, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by loveely

Isn't that how it always goes? He knew he was the bad guy in the picture, and he knew it was time fix the picture forever...

Time to fix the picture forever. Still, eerie.

Refine it still, connecting the sentences together better, making sure the internal dialogue is fluent, clear.

You've a fairly unique style, Diverse.

Diverse · 06-23-2007, 12:32 PM

Poor Buddy...

Anyways, I made some changes. Good lookin' out, Voodoo.. Where would I be with you?

... Don't answer that...

Voodoo · 06-23-2007, 12:36 PM

You'd be in a nunnery.

Diverse · 06-23-2007, 12:40 PM

I'm gonna get you...

Voodoo · 06-23-2007, 12:42 PM

Hmm. Can't take away my dignity.

Can't hurt my pride.

Can't whip me...

Azmakna · 06-23-2007, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Diverse

He waits, watching as the Mets bus pulls to a stop in front of him. He places his favorite possession near a shrub, climbing onto the bus, releasing 'drinking money'. He feels a shot of discomfort, as he is quick to find a seat. Resting his head on the window, he looks at all the passing cars, all the passing people who seem more sober than he would ever be on this New Years night. Trying to hold on, he closes his eyes, thinking of how short of a ride it will be to his house. And he holds on; tightly. Rushing to his front door, he fumbles to get the key in place, praying he doesn't break it. Home sweet home. He slams the door, Buddy rushing to his side. '(Hi) little guy'. He whispers. Buddy follows (his) every step. He heads to the counter, pulling a cabinet open. He stares at the bottle, one of his favorite possessions. He thinks: Its the New Years, so what? But then he is reminded why he sleeps alone now. Why his son won't even come and visit him. He doesn't cry. And he doesn't even dare to open that bottle.

what do you mean by this? your prose want to sprout legs and walk here, but you restrain them ably. i'm confused here. i would either change what he says or lose the 'whispers'. 'Hi' is usually associated with a louder voice. just a small point and one that shows how much improved you are. yes, Yes, YES... much tighter!

He simply throws it out, knowing if he tried to pour it out; it would only pour down his tired throat. Watching Buddy stare at the fire in the fireplace, he begins to come up with a New Years Resolution, one that would bring his family back together forever. He stands, Buddy carefully watching him. He smiles at him, patting his head. He walks down the hall to his bedroom, entering his closet. He returns, looking out his window as he watches the children pop firecrackers. He smiles, 'Just the right time'. He opens the front door, Buddy running to the children as they pet him, playing with him. He smiles even more. With his simple plan in mind, he knew the outcome of it would be electrifying. He knew it was the only plan he could come up with that would satisfy him and his once-perfect-family. Isn't that how it always goes? He knew he was the bad guy in the picture, and he knew it was time (to) fix the picture forever...

'...think up a...' 'watching him carefully' remember an adverb follows a verb.
cut this.
And with one shot, it made a picture-perfect reaction.

much better. it's good to see you practicing like this.

Diverse · 06-23-2007, 01:03 PM

All done, yeeee... and now I have to go..